Thursday 2 September 2010

All the Fun of the Fair to Middling

They say being an England supporter is a roller-coaster ride.

Maybe, but it’s a bloody crap roller-coaster. One minute you’re skipping over light little bumps like a happy kiddie in a pedalo, the next minute the pedalo's gone all Freddie Flintoff or you've pretty well come off the rails like Scooby and Shaggy at a haunted fun-fair.

The Bulgarian striker! He's getting away!

And sometimes you just sit in it wondering if it’ll ever get started.

Of course we were promised a brand new rollercoaster for the next few games with some proper new meddlesome kids. The tired old rolling stock would be out; and some gleaming new hyperfast trucks would be carrying us forward to the twin delights of Poland and the Ukraine 2012. (Yep, it doesn’t make me want to pack a suitcase full of Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts either).

Instead you expect the same old stodgy retainers to be carrying our hopes – typified by Bumblin’ Barry - and you can be sure Lumpy Lampard, Tits-Up Terry and Ricketty Rio will be back n all.

Bumblin’ claims England are ready to take on Bulgaria. I hope so. At least they won’t be up against that deadly dynamo Dimitar Berbatov, who retired from international football in May and for my money has been slowly retiring from football full stop for the last 18 months.

Other than that there’ll be the Petrovs Martin and Stylian. One day, the Bulgars will pick Sentov and Pistov but for now we’ll have to do with the slightly chucklesome Popov and Ivan Ivanov (that’s John Johnson to you and me).

It’s fair to say that this match is a skip full of banana skins for England. I know nowt about the opposition save for the fact that Stoichkov had one of the greatest left feet and shortest fuses in the game’s history and 1994 captain slaphead keeper Boris Myhailov returned four years later with a majestic barnet that he’d borrowed off the head of Ritchie Valens . He’s now head of the Bulgarian FA - and what a head! The tresses haven’t changed in 12 years!"Yes that's right... it's called Just For Men"

Meanwhile Capello’s new broom seems only to have swept away the-didn’t-do-that-much-wrong brigade of Huddlestone, Warnock, Joe Cole and Lennon. Still around are: the blundersome Upson, currently betraying all the self-confidence of a blind mouse in a cattery; Pawn-Shite-Rillips – although I wonder whether the gaffer picks him or he just sneaks on to the training ground unnoticed; Carlton Cole, the natural heir to Heskey given his present form; and Joleon Lescott who plays his international football in the hole between left-back and centre-back. (I didn’t know there was one there either).

I’m looking for an upside but to be honest I’ve not seen so much grasping at straws since my grandson’s birthday party at McDonalds.

One could be that Walcott appears to have responded well to not being in South Africa. And Christ the lad’s still only 21.

Two is the fact that the state of the national side is made for skipper Gerrard – he’s been hauling his club side out of the mire for five years.

Gerrard appears to be the only outfield players to have returned from the World Cup with his reputation enhanced which means that he did slightly more than fuck-all. Still it should mean he gets to play behind the front man. I’d instruct to get as close as he can to the lad with the ten B&H rolled into his sleeve.

There’ll be eyes on Rooney of course. It’s still my belief that the lad was injured in South Africa – and that Ferguson, shorn of any other inspiration, flogged the lad like an eager dimwitted carthorse in the Premier League run-in.

He could do with a little help up front. I can’t quite discover whether Defoe’s available or off for this ill-timed op. Crouchy’s sustained a back injury (allegedly from ducking flying crockery), so we’ve got Carlton... or Darren Bent.

Sunderland fans’ll tell you he’s worth his place. Me, I reckon Bent’s one of them lads who finds the step up in class a bit much. That could mean he fits in to the current England set-up perfectly of course.

And to be fair I thought the same about Lineker way back when. Turns out it’s his son who’s struggled with a step-up in class. 25 grand a year and poor Gar still can’t buy his lad’s A-levels. And this at a time when a shaved chimp could get a C in Geography.

I dunno – them public schools are terrible aren’t they? Pot-smoking fee-paying dens of inequity, I tell you, and just full of kids from broken homes who don’t know who their parents are (mainly cos they only ever see ‘em during the holidays).

'Take that Charterhouse!'

I tell you this Gary... you can get a crap set of A-levels for free on the welfare state.

Where was I? Darren Bent... well if he could get a little run together he might just get that confidence. Hellfire Paul Mariner scored in five successive games for England once, and Milan Baros was topscorer at Euro 2004 which is almost as confusing a piece of information as finding out that Hitler was a vegetarian.

The team I’d go for is:
Hart: G.Johnson, Jagielka, Dawson, A.Cole; Walcott, Barry, Milner, A.Johnson; Gerrard; Rooney.

Ah, bugger it, another good on paper England XI. I reckon what we’ll get is some of that platitudinous post-match rot about the result being all that matters. Cos we’ll have won 2-1 in a right scruffy manner.

But truth be told, no one’s too interested in how we get there any more. I’d almost rather it was back-waxingly painful and we got to the finals with zero expectation than we cruise through the group and watch the poor tired adulterous lambs get taken apart again by a pack of youthful carefree German wolves.

Aye well, carney Capello, start up the roller-coaster and let’s get on board.

396 comments:

  1. Firstness?

    I for one won't be riding this time. I'll be standing on the side with some crusty candyfloss looking bored.

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  2. anyone seen how the Swindon Advertiser reported their 3-0 win at a Southampton - they used Subbuteo figures to show the action as press photographers apart from Southampton's offical one are banned and all the other papers are refusing to pay for pictures. Absolutely classic

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  3. Oy.

    Don't you go knocking Paul Mariner.

    A magnificent example of a goal scoring old fashioned centre forward.

    Not your best blog Robbo.Tended to lose the main thread fairly quickly.

    It's easy to grumble about the players Capello has chosen,but who else is there?Look at the stick handed out to Capello,McLaren and Sven.One thing links them all.The players.England aren't a bad side but they certainly do not have a divine right to play like Brazil c1970.

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  4. I think I's go for the same 11 as your good self, but can't see it happening. Sad.

    I think there used to be a roller coaster called the Black Hole...seems appropriate for England at the mo, no sign of any light any time soon

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  5. Completely agree with you Robbo about Fergie flogging Wazza to within an inch of his life last season. I've been saying it on here since the World Cup, but you'll do well to convince a Utd supporter, seeing as it would suggest that they are reliant on Rooney. The fact is, that he was Gerrard-like in dragging a slightly better than average Utd side up to second spot last season. He'll have to keep on doing it too by the looks of Bebe.

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  6. re billiboy hague

    why dont conservatives just admit that theyre all gay. noone (plymouth) will mind. but he's a bigot

    oh sorry yes footie great aint it - england - not bothered any more

    michael jackson was the best funfair villain i ever saw in scooby-doo. ruined it when they put in that little bastard scrappy

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  7. Not your best blog Robbo.Tended to lose the main thread fairly quickly.

    ----------

    thats what i liked about it, jack.

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  8. mornin Lads, best blog I've read all day, who cares about threads.

    No Cahill? We're doomed. The end is nigh.

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  9. good afternoon trotter

    mariner was a good stunt man in jaws 3, when the budget ran out and he did underwater backstroke to simulate a shark attack

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  10. Oh well, let me know how the team does with half the shit not playing ... I'll be on the Waltz :P

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  11. linkeker doesnt get it does he? you dont send your kid to a posh school for grades - how vulgar - you send them there so they dont hang out with footballers or bring some page 3 floozy home...oh

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  12. Totally indifferent to what happens with the england team now...will try to whip up some passion if they get to the Euros in 2012..till then club footy is where its at..give capello some breathing space to do what he wants seeing as theres no better options either for coach or players.

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  13. he should have been 3 leagues below sea level

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  14. Oy.

    Paul Mariner was magnificent.Best centre forward for Ipswich since Ray Crawford.Only just though.Perhaps by a nose.

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  15. TrotterUSA said...

    he should have been 3 leagues below sea level
    ____________________
    Harsh that Trotts.Especially when you consider Kevin Davies is a poor man's Mariner.

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  16. Noel said...
    Completely agree with you Robbo about Fergie flogging Wazza to within an inch of his life last season. I've been saying it on here since the World Cup, but you'll do well to convince a Utd supporter, seeing as it would suggest that they are reliant on Rooney. The fact is, that he was Gerrard-like in dragging a slightly better than average Utd side up to second spot last season. He'll have to keep on doing it too by the looks of Bebe.
    --------------------------

    Course he was going to use Rooney as much as possible why should Fergie care about the England team (he is Scottish after all) I care but understand why he wouldn't. Bebe looks quite good, he has a lot of potential and natural talent and if he can improve the way Nani has over the last 10 months then he will do well

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  17. relax jax, it was only a big-nose-flat-on-his-back-Jaws3-innuendo. I reckon Paul mariner is the best Ipswich centre forward since Randy Crawford, and his son, Andre, is a fine official.

    As if I'd ever invite comparisons to KD, he's beyond compare and he only has a tiny nose.

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  18. ".......poor tired adulterous lambs"
    ============================================
    Hey Robbo, me use to fink we was lions. Now we're lambs? Oh dear....... bring back Sol Campbel, the lad wants to play and he's not injured, the only downside is he's fat

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  19. I'll play. Can't do any worse than Upson after all

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  20. If he's fat he'll be more difficult to shoot past Monk ;)

    Yup, we've slid down the food chain here ....we've gone from lions to kittens, to lambs to excrement and I fully expect us to be compared to microbes if we play in a manner where we'd be describes as having gone missing, or were invisible ...

    Three Protozoa on the shirt? Doesn't have the same ring really does it?

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  21. Yes Robbo, a footy blog. (Well, it's about the England team, but it's close enough)

    Unlike last time around, everyone including Capello has finally come to their senses and realised that the only decent choice for the No1 jersey is Hart.

    No more fluffing around with Calamity or waiting for a piano to fall out of the sky with Green. Why he (Hart) didn't start in the WC is still beyond me. A few mounths later and all of a sudden he's old and wise enough? Still I don't care, he's in and that's one major problem sorted.

    Next up, the Lumpoflard v Stevie Me conundrum needs to be solved, the gaps in defence need to be filled we need to perfect cold fusion and get an engine that runs on manure or red top media rags (basically the same shit).

    Euro 2012 here we stumble!

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  22. A rather stronger word is Plankton!!!!

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  23. Blimey, Jacks, you mean to say I keep a hold of my thread usually. I'll take that as a compliment, my man.
    Mariner - big old-fashioned and with the happy knack of getting goals via shin or chest or nose. Luther Blissett, Peter Withe... Andy Carroll?

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  24. The Tees Mouth said...

    Blimey, Jacks, you mean to say I keep a hold of my thread usually. I'll take that as a compliment, my man.
    Mariner - big old-fashioned and with the happy knack of getting goals via shin or chest or nose. Luther Blissett, Peter Withe... Andy Carroll?
    _____________________________
    Usually Robbo you do.I don't want to be all JDR about it,but in my opinion this wasn't your best.Which is usually very good indeed.

    Ol' Big Nose scored quite a few for England as well.

    Andy Caroll needs a bloody good hair cut(either I'm getting old,or my professional life is interfering with my sporting one).Still,hope he scores loads this season to keep Mrs Jack's team afloat.

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  25. "Bebe looks quite good, he has a lot of potential and natural talent...."
    --
    Based on what?

    Adam, your die hard defence (maybe you should replace Upson) of anything and everything Utd is both admirable and frightening at the same time.

    ---

    Jacks, do you consider blogging a sport?

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  26. I'd like to see Scott dann play for england. He is leagues ahead of upson and lescott

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  27. The New Monk. With a bigger, but not necessarily better brain.........

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  28. And back to the footie.......... Anything that can kick the ball and make England win shall be ok for me at the moment. It's good that John T, Frank Lard, Rio de Ferdinando, et al., are not available......

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  29. Bebe looks quite good, he has a lot of potential and natural talent...."
    --
    Based on what?
    -------------

    I read an interview in one of the broadsheets given by the guy that ran the Portugese non-league team that he was discovered by.

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  30. i sense a certain disillusion amongst re: england team. or is it the stench of reality

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  31. I'm back.... had a slight sojourn away (in other words I forgot to read the last couple of blogs!

    Gerrard... I make no apologies for hating this piece of whining scouse shite. Plays with all his talent (most of the time) for Liverpool, for no other reason than I can see than he's the big fish in a small pond, a pampered preening spoilt brat who will throw his toys out and take his ball home if he doesnt get his own way. Put him in an England shirt where he has 11 other hugely inflated egos to deal with and he's lost completely.

    Given (not shay) the list of injuries to the also rans in the England squad, I'm surprised at a few exclusions.

    Steve Harper - Some bloke from Watford ahead of him? It seems you need a twitter page, your own blog and a gob as wide as Jordans legs to get noticed. Solid, consistency isnt enough?

    Bent - Yes, he may be the new Andy Cole as far as a step up is concerned, but his performances merit the chance to show he cant do it

    Andy Carrol - No, I'm not biased here, and no he isnt quite ready yet, but the exposure would be good, and coming off the bench would only add to his development (yes he withdrew from the U21 squad, but not to even make the full squad is my point)

    Ashley Young - Surely deserves a start. Walcott without the huge pile of sick notes

    Jack Rodwell - see Andy Carroll !!

    Alex Baptiste - Now some of you will laugh at this, but I've followed the lad for years, and I'd rather have him at right back than Glen Johnson.

    Geordie in Exile, signing out !

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  32. Bebe interviews and features all rate him as a good talent - Quieroz seems to have recommended him


    http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/12082010/58/premier-league-meet-united-new-signing-bebe.html

    http://www.monstersandcritics.com/sport/soccer/article_1578716.php/Bebe-living-the-dream-From-rags-to-riches-Feature

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  33. Geordie, anything anybody suggests that gets us a new right back is ok with me, now, if Bebe could just get an English passport....

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  34. Trotter.... In that case, I'm digging out me old Jockstrap, packing me boots and booking me flights! Parsippany Blues will have to wait another week for my comeback !

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  35. WCG, you'd best post the fixture list for Parsippany Blues so I can come and see what all the fuss is about

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  36. Bacary Sagna. He's just been fired from the French National Team. Does he qualify for England?

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  37. Alex Baptiste - Now some of you will laugh at this, but I've followed the lad for years, and I'd rather have him at right back than Glen Johnson.
    -------------
    Bring back Gary Neville for England

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  38. adampsb said...
    Bebe looks quite good, he has a lot of potential and natural talent...."
    --
    Based on what?
    -------------

    I read an interview in one of the broadsheets given by the guy that ran the Portugese non-league team that he was discovered by.

    ---
    Oh sorry, then he must be good.

    SAF probably read it too and thought, yeah, he must be worth 7 and a half mill, I'll take everybody else's word for it.

    Top tip for PL managers.

    Before spending millions check out monstersandcritics.com

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  39. I think SAF took Carlos Quieroz's word for it who has I believe seen him play.

    Not quite like Wenger's "quick he's French let's sign him" policy yet though

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  40. adampsb.... Dot Cotton Neville - no thanks. Another english defender that cant actually tackle. Made a career (at club and country) by hanging onto Beckham's shirt tails, and by virtue of his only competition was Danny Mills.... Heather Mills would have been better

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  41. Trotter - Once I have it then i'll let you know... be careful not to bring your boots, or you'll be press ganged into playing

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  42. Adam, yuu're right, AW signs a lot of frogs.

    The difference being, I'm not gonna say that a newly signed player has potential or looks good without ever have seeing him play.

    You savvy?

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  43. wcg, I might just bring me boots (and 36 yards of bandages), I've been in the gym 5 days a week since my fortnight on the pies and chips in Blighty...they have an over 50's team?

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  44. That Capello, every passing day adds to the evidence that he is just a berk on a big pay.

    latest in his long series of fuck ups (e.g. only fit and infrom players for WC and a whole new beginning with new players bull crap after the cock-up) is his own index showing who are the players actually scoring well.

    I guess anyone with open eyes would agree wihtthe results. Except of course the mancIOUs who wouldnt listen or see or believe anything else other thatn how great Wayne Wooney and Gerry Neville are..

    http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/news-and-comment/varney-better-than-rooney-in-latest-index-embarrassment-2066979.html

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  45. If you honestly think that Luke Varney is a better player than Wayne Rooney then I think you have been on the funny juice my friend. He has got a better rating on the index but I wouldn't say he is a better player than Rooney or that Craig Gardner or Wallcott is better than Paul Scholes but if Capello wants to pick the best 11 off his index then so be it (I do agree with Roger Johnson though - vastly under-rated)

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  46. I don't think SAF will complain if you go by the index as Rooney would be resting this week

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  47. Not saying who is a better player adam.

    Just shows, who is performing better at the moment.

    There is a difference.

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  48. Reg Varney is way better then Shrek.

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  49. From Spits link;

    "Capello was warned by the FA against launching the website, which took place on 10 May, on the eve of his World Cup finals squad announcement, but proceeded anyway. He is still paying the price for that decision.....
    ----
    Yeah, I bet he's really pissed about all the sanctions he faced and all the fines he's had to pay and loss of income due to docked salary......

    Hang on???!!!

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  50. Trotter. Age is all in the mind.. so my good friend Gary Glitter told me !

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  51. Look, Rooney is at the moment england's best Striker.

    However, in terms of defenders, there are plenty of plyers who are ready to make more of a meal of the national call than Terry or Upson.

    I believe players must be picked on form and fitness without consideration of the club or league they play for.

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  52. Portugal coach Carlos Queiroz has been suspended for six months after it was ruled that he disrupted an anti-doping test ahead of the World Cup.

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/8964159.stm

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  53. Spitfire - in Upson's case he's playing shite and his team's worse. Shouldn't be there at all. There are donkeys covering their eyes in shame every time he gets near the ball.

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  54. When was the last time Rooney had a good game for England?

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  55. The Tees Mouth said...

    Spitfire - in Upson's case he's playing shite and his team's worse. Shouldn't be there at all. There are donkeys covering their eyes in shame every time he gets near the ball.

    ________________

    My point exactly.

    Now, on the other hand, Birmingham are not doing that bad defensively and the man at the centre of it all, Rodger Johnson should be in the team ahead of Upson.

    He was massive last season too, so the last three games are not just a fluke.

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  56. Spit, I agree on the form and club sentiment, but the club has to be in the top league otherwise form can be misleading.

    I don't think Capello should go all "Laurent Blanc" on the squad, but it would be prudent to send out a warning to the so called established players, by dropping them if/when their form slips, which if I remember was one of his pledges when he took the job.

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  57. In other news Sven Erikson has been interviewed for Villa job.

    Do they ever learn?

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  58. The Tees Mouth said...
    Spitfire - in Upson's case he's playing shite and his team's worse. Shouldn't be there at all. There are donkeys covering their eyes in shame every time he gets near the ball.


    A little unfair on Tony Adams I think..... Actually maybe we could tempt Tony out of retirement, with a pint or two

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  59. Rodger Johnson? Now there's a guy that needs a good slap!

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  60. Yes roger Johnson is good and I would love to see him in an England shirt, but Dann is by far the stronger of our CBs. In fact they should both play as they have a great understanding with each other and joe hart

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  61. You are right BlueCity.

    Am I right in believing Birmingham City kept the most clean sheets last seasons, in the league?

    If so, the three ppl at the Hart (he he) of it should be given a chance to do it at the international level.

    Cant harm much, can it.

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  62. Robbo, Yer blog has some good lines as usual, but i think anybody writing about the England team at the moment is on to a hiding to nothing. Its hard to get excited when there isnt anybody of note coming through. Yes there are some possibilities but we are only 3 fecking games in to the season, lets look again after 20 games eh? Otherwise we will play walcott up front and if he doesnt score in either game we will probably ditch him again.

    I dont think anybody feels Rooney is playing anywhere near his best, but he is weeks behind the others after having an extended rest (a la Fabregas, Torres etc). I havent got a fecking clue who to put up front now that crazy legs (crouch) has pulled out.

    As for Bebe.....well like H, i havent seen him (bar some really poor portuguese videos on you tube) so i dont know if we have been sold a lemon or not. I think fans of other clubs like us to buy duff players, even though every manager in the premiership buys em as well. Lets hope Berbatov keeps up his form. Dont think he will ever produce the goods and win us a trophy (flat track bully?) but i hope to be proved wrong.

    I think we have a lot of young players who are on the verge of making it but lets be fair, if 1 or 2 of them become top top players then SAF has done ok with them. We now have to take a punt on potential rather than the ready made product.

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  63. Spit, BlueCity - I agree that Brum are good defensively......i suppose it could be said that the results could be down to the team being good collectively rather than one or two individuals being outstanding.

    Im all for players like Johnson and Dann to be given chances.......though, wasnt that what the friendlies are for?

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  64. Spit was at an airshow with the kids on Monday.....had a spitfire, vulcan bomber and a hawker hunter. We used to be good at making stuff didnt we?

    The vulcan was doing a fly past and halfway through pulled up and put the engines on full blast and my eldest lad (5 yrs old) almost shat himself, poor fella.

    Your an aeronautical engineer arent you?

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  65. Spit,

    blast your logic.

    why cant you be as delusional as Adam when it comes to all matters re ManU?

    e.g. Proclaim Bebe is better than Messi and Ronaldo combined etc. etc.

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  66. Just to clarify....spit wasnt at an airshow with my eldest son.......i was!

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  67. ha ha, I probably was more like that in the nineties. Had a different view about football then because the success was all new (after being inconsistent throughout the 80's). Im not religious but the night before the 99 champions league final i remember lying awake in bed too excited to sleep and telling god that i would happily accept us winning jack shit for the rest of my life if we won that game........obviously by August and the start of the next season i had forgotten all that!! :-)

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  68. stgp,

    I am unfortunately not an aeronautical engineer. I am a computer systems engineer but have been lucky to have worked on some projects for BAE and EADS and some of the work is used in some of the top line aircrafts in service today.

    A close friend of dad's took us to airforce base and I was just in love with fighter planes. Then I just fell in love with Spitfires once I read their contribution, to the history.

    Its sad really how Britain today makes nothing of note.
    THe sadness is compunded when I see around myself, here in Germany and wonder what is it that Ze Germans not make.

    Still the world's 2nd largest Exporters. And growing.

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  69. the Jack Shit trophy is not to be sneezed at STGP! We've won it repeatedly for 52 years.

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  70. Well thats still good mate. Much more interesting than designing electrical systems for shit farms (what i used to do). Luckily ive had a few interesting prestigious ones as well otherwise i reckon i would have died of boredom.

    For me, it started going wrong in the late 80's. When i was leaving school we had to input data about what subjects we liked etc in to a computer program and it told us what job we should do.....almost everyone got told to do business studies in the sixth form and get an office job.

    I kinda fell in to engineering rather than seek it out. There are some ground breaking companies but they are few and far between. If the germans are number 2 at exporting then that must surely cement their future somewhat. We even import electricity. Think we are banking (ho ho) on just being a financial services provider....

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  71. yes sorry trott....didnt meant to be disrespectful.

    Saying that mate, the 2001 team pranced about like they couldnt give a feck....was falling out of love with it, even though we won the league.....took a few years of jack shit to rediscover the love......does that mean, as football fans the love comes from not winning?

    I can remember going on 4 game unbeaten runs in the 80s and thinking it was brilliant......nowadays a couple of draws is a cue for the press to start the negative stuff.

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  72. Getting back on subject....

    Trifon Ivanov - the scariest footballer ever?

    http://fourfourtwo.com/blogs/fourfourtwoview/archive/2009/10/27/the-tuesday-10-footballing-beards.aspx

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  73. No one remembers that much in the past now, do they.

    Ah the 80s. Them were the days.

    No one bloody passed. and playing Arsenal, no one was allowed to pass much.

    people have got short memories, short tempers, short attention spans, short breaths (from sitting down munching on fatty stuff all day), short tempers etc. etc.

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  74. Evenin fellas. Howisitgoing?

    Howdya like my Harley Davidson miniature model in profile pic. Will post a neat one soon.

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  75. hmmm interesting question that STGP, for me it comes from boyhood memories shared with the old man, brief moments of modest glory and the eternally stupid optimist that resides within me. We probably all have countless different reasons for the 'love'.

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  76. 7 yr old Japanese a Gooner! I read it somewhere. here or prev blog.. I dont remember.

    He might be a robot then.

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  77. does that mean, as football fans the love comes from not winning?
    ------------------------------------------
    fuck me..is that why I love my club..the love started around the early 80s when I knew enough to start supporting sport teams..and from then on we've been consistent runners up for the jack-shit trophy (no..please..dont say istanbul..1 major cup victory (and 2 FA cups) in 564 years doesnt count )

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  78. Footy match or something today? England are playing or just gonna make perressence felt on the field. Hope its latter.

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  79. does that mean, as football fans the love comes from not winning?
    ------------------------------------------
    fuck me..is that why I love my club..the love started around the early 80s when I knew enough to start supporting sport teams..and from then on we've been consistent runners up for the jack-shit trophy (no..please..dont say istanbul..1 major cup victory (and 2 FA cups) in 564 years doesnt count )

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  80. A bloke in London just sent me this amusing article from Guardian.co.uk

    Ageing football players and the ancient art of pointing

    Pointing to where team-mates must stand or where the ball should go is essential for fading names desperate to carry on

    This week a friend told me he had decided to pack in playing football because, "Now I've reached 50 I find that the only skill that hasn't abandoned me is arguing with the ref." It is certainly true that in a sportsman the ability to sustain a pointlessly tedious huff long after the lights have been switched off and everybody else has buggered off home is the last thing that goes. Yet I can't help feeling my friend is overlooking other vital roles on the field of play to which encroaching middle-age provides less of a barrier than Matthew Upson did to Miroslav Klose.

    ReplyDelete
  81. Even within the designated position of chief arguer there are many variants to be explored, from the full Roy-Keane-Is-Max-Schrek vein-bulging stormtrooper, to the Arjen Robben "Mam! Mam! That big boy stole my lollipop" whinge-merchant, via the subtle approach of the more cynical veteran who questions every decision with a quizzically raised eyebrow, an amused half-grin and a general air of a 19th century prince explaining to one of his aristocratic chums that he is planning to cuckold him, but, "We're both men of the world, so we really oughtn't to make a terrible fuss about these things, ought we, old chap?" It was clear in South Africa, for instance, that Mark van Bommel is the Edward VII of modern football.

    ReplyDelete
  82. Sadly, such important aspects of our national hobby pass largely unacknowledged by media pundits and I have yet to hear Mark Bright telling BBC Radio 5 Live listeners, "You know, his game used to be all about swearing and collateral spittle, but since he turned 30 he's started to get into those little pockets of irony just behind the debate that officials find very difficult to pick up on." And don't think I haven't texted in on the topic either.

    Bickering is one skill that cleaves itself to a man as tenaciously as Claudio Gentile to Diego Maradona's jersey. Another is pointing. Pointing is a subtle art that over the years has been brilliantly demonstrated by some of the world's greatest exponents of his-legs-have-gone-but-he's-still-got-that-something-about-him football. Johnny Haynes, late-era Johan Cruyff and Brazil's chain-smoking Socrates were all three acknowledged masters of the levelled index finger, while arguably the greatest of them all, Alfredo di Stéfano made himself a hero to menopausal blokes everywhere by losing his hair, developing a comfort-fit waistline and still dominating European football via his superb mastery of digital directives

    ReplyDelete
  83. It is clear, therefore, that the role of central positional indicator (CPI) is one that is aptly suited to the footballer who, like my friend, is swaying on the cusp of his sixth decade. The central positional indicator's task is – like Haynes, Cruyff, Socrates and "The Divine Bald One" – to take root in the centre circle and spend the entire match pointing to where all his team-mates should be standing at that moment. Occasionally he will draw on a deep knowledge of the game acquired over 40 years of telling anyone who will listen that he once "nearly had a trial with Villa, but I was into girls and music and couldn't be bothered" to utter simple yet profound advice to his colleagues such as "Keep knocking the inside funnels lads", "Let's not go spongy in the defensive 25%, boys" or the inspirational, "Areas! Areas!"

    At other times the CPI may actually feel moved to touch the ball, collecting it, looking up and off towards destiny, before passing it two yards sideways, after which he will then point to where the player who just received the ball should give it next. When the CPI's instruction is ignored and the move breaks down he can then engage in what is in many ways the quintessence of his trade, standing with his hands on his hips in momentary exasperation before holding a finger up to his right eye and saying, "Vision, son. Vision."

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  84. I should say that I am not speaking from personal experience here but from observation of others. My own skills as a footballer seem to me as sharp as they ever were. Some have pointed out that this notion is sustained by the fact that I have not actually played even a vaguely competitive game for 25 years. Such comments are, I'm afraid to say, based on much the same virulent strain of envy that has led some of my colleagues to mock poor Frank Lampard just because the topless midfield beauty's attempt to market his own sweat as a luxury body lotion and psoriasis cure has not been quite the commercial success his people had envisaged. Those doubters who feel the failure of his venture indicates that public opinion has turned against the Chelsea man would do well to remember the utterances of Ian Faith, splendid manager of Spinal Tap: it's not that Frank is less popular than he once was, it's just that his popularity has become more selective.

    Lampard is no spring chicken (although he's almost as hairless as one), and I am genuinely looking forward to seeing a gradually increased level of high-class pointing from him over the next few seasons. Whether he will be able to reproduce his club pointing form when he is in an England shirt is another matter.

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  85. sorry, bit effin long that was!

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  86. Bloody Hell Trotter.... I just waded through 2 icecreams and a packet of Jaffa cakes reading all that!!!

    One quick point about Birmingham's defence.... Remember Gents, it isnt just the defence who defends (despite what Parsipanny Blues thinks!), its the midfield (and sometimes the attack). Teams now defend as a back 8 becoming very difficult to break down.

    Only in the halceon days of the 90s at St James Park did the midfield wave the opposition through like a matador with a bull... "go on mate, have a pop! We've got a crap goalie, but a brilliant forward line so we dont care if you score!"

    Oh, and maybe Swindon Bradford & barnsley when they were in the premiership were like this too, but not because they had a great forward line (Mitch Ward anyone?!? He once threated me cos I was chatting his wife up in Barca in manchester) but cos they were crap all over the pitch

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  87. wcg, is a Jaffa cake a cake or a biscuit?

    ReplyDelete
  88. a biscuit trotter...... probably

    At least thats what I put on the customs form when I had to declare the suitcase full I was nabbed with at Newark!

    ReplyDelete
  89. TrotterUSA said...
    wcg, is a Jaffa cake a cake or a biscuit?

    ---------

    its a little orange pie, trott, with a chocolate crust

    ReplyDelete
  90. that mystery driver off of top gear has been unmasked. he'll have to live with the stig-ma

    coat

    ReplyDelete
  91. I only mentioned it to see if we could reignite the 14 day debate that was once held on here. I think at the end of it all, some high court determined it was indeed a cake because of the way it was made and thereby avoided a tax that was applied to biscuits. Not sure, there's better authorities than me for such questions, they'll all be in from the pub soon.

    ReplyDelete
  92. Spitfire said...
    stgp,

    I am unfortunately not an aeronautical engineer.

    --------

    sssshh, spit. i told everyone you invented concorde and that youre working on nike hover- trainers

    ReplyDelete
  93. i remember the great jaffa deabate well, trott. no matter how hard i try to forget it...

    ReplyDelete
  94. a debate that will live in infamy

    ReplyDelete
  95. shall we re-enact it?

    It's a fuckin' cake!
    this comment was removed because it broke the house rules.

    ReplyDelete
  96. i am totally disillusioned with the english team but i have this guilty feeling like when i realised santa was a massive but well intentioned con

    ReplyDelete
  97. trott, with respect, you are the one who is persisting with this lie that the innocuous little orange pie with the choclatey crust is a biscuitwaferflanburgerkebabfingerhobnobcake

    its a pie

    ReplyDelete
  98. now now Blog, don't worry, it's only a game

    ReplyDelete
  99. (the footy, not the cake debate)

    ReplyDelete
  100. where did santa serve his time?

    ReplyDelete
  101. Phil McNulty says results are now everything for England's under-pressure boss

    --------

    because they didnt used to be. noone minded if they won or lost until now

    chief sports writer? how? why? where do i get a refund?

    ReplyDelete
  102. he got off on a technicality, trott, the insanity clause

    coat

    ReplyDelete
  103. you reckon Capello has been clued in?

    ReplyDelete
  104. capello doesnt give a toss, trott. he's 94. he thinks he's still managing real madrid and that his wife is a hat

    ReplyDelete
  105. hes so old he thinks jaffa cakes are biscuits

    ReplyDelete
  106. Former Liverpool boss Gerard Houllier is set for a dramatic return to English football with Aston Villa after holding talks with the club's owner Randy Lerner.
    ----------------

    so its true then. houlier does exist they didnt just draw a boxbeard on him and tell him to pretend he had a spanish accent

    ReplyDelete
  107. PSV turned down Bebe last year. And still IOU fans think he's going to be grrrrrrrrrrreat. Apart from STGP, who is the only IOU fan who seems to talk any sense.

    ReplyDelete
  108. eh up, one of Robbo's followers has a proper sports journalism job, well done Jack, and admirable that you admit your support for Liverpool!

    http://jacks-echo-sport.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  109. Bebe will be a massive success, always happens when they just have 4 letters in their name, PELE, KAKA, BERT, BLOG, DKNY, need I go on?

    ReplyDelete
  110. Trott, true that, include MONK in that list while you're on there mate

    ReplyDelete
  111. Jaffa cakes are "biscuit-like cakes" according to wiki.

    ReplyDelete
  112. So what's the story behind KYUT then Trott? NGOG as well come to think of it hehe.

    ReplyDelete
  113. Shit, I'm agreeing with McNulty with something ...what the hell's happened to me?

    'And, of course, he botched the David Beckham question badly. At first writing him off as a going England concern, before offering him a free final cap as a sop before insisting the door was still open. A mess.'

    ReplyDelete
  114. Now hold on Star,

    is this the same McCuntly who said 'its a blessing in disguise that becks got injured coz its been years since he was past it'?

    Seriously, McCuntly has sprouted more bullshit becks way than any other living being.

    All of which I fail to understand. If the others of the golden shower generation had half of beck's commitment and determination to do well for England, there surely must have been a title or two they could have brought home.

    ReplyDelete
  115. Just popping out - got no Milk - will make us all a cuppa when I get back :)

    ReplyDelete
  116. Defender Jamie Carragher can savour the prospect of at least another three seasons at Anfield after opening talks on a new Liverpool contract.
    Full story: Daily Mail
    ---------------
    3 more seasons of doom. YNWA.

    Morning all.

    ReplyDelete
  117. I have finally come to a conclusion that no sport can be exception for controversy related to refs and technology.

    It's latest victim is Andy Roddick!

    ReplyDelete
  118. Don't worry Star, in the same article, McCuntybollocks states that Fabio's reputation has been ruined by a single arse kicking by the Germans, so it's not as if he's suddenly become a font of footballing punditry. He ignores the terrible games against USA, Algeria and Slovenia, and the squad selections, crap tactics, terrible substitutions, unrest in the camp etc etc etc etc. Chief Football Writer McNulty just spouts shite every time he starts typing and the fact he constantly contradicts himself shows that he doesn't know what he's on about. Apart from that, I quite like him.

    ReplyDelete
  119. Carra's got 3 more seasons?! YNWA?
    YNRA (You'll Never Run Again)

    ReplyDelete
  120. Bluecity91 - KRO said...
    Jaffa cakes are "biscuit-like cakes" according to wiki.
    ________________________________________________

    Garbage - they're cake-like biscuits.

    ReplyDelete
  121. 'kin hell.

    I am away a day and it's taken me nearly another day to catch up this and the last blog.

    Fucking stop making so many comments!!!

    Oh and I think the Jaffa Cake is a............















    ...........Fucking Jaffa Cake!

    ReplyDelete
  122. i'll have a brew FBH...


    everyone good?

    ReplyDelete
  123. Coffee mate, thanks.

    I'm calm now.......

    ReplyDelete
  124. Shit the milk's off - just bought it an all!!! Feckers!!!

    ReplyDelete
  125. fuck it, its gone 11, its friday, lets get drunk!

    ReplyDelete
  126. Lets all laugh at England Lets all laugh at England ....

    ReplyDelete
  127. Lucky for me it's past 8pm here and I've already had a few beers for me Friday night entertainment. The missus is watching bloody Vicar of Dibley on the box. I come all the way to Oz and have to put up with Dibley repeats. WTF?

    So, what kind of England performance we expecting later? More of the same?

    ReplyDelete
  128. How's this for irony ... Ferrari are recalling all their 458's because several have gone up in flames. The reason?

    "Glue securing the wheel arch lining and heat shield can melt and deform when under high operating temperatures. When this comes into contact with the exhaust, "the glue can smoke and the wheel arch liner can ignite"."

    Right so the heat conducted from the heat shield basically sets the damn things alight ... fucking marvellous feat. Wonder if they set fire to water as an encore ...

    ReplyDelete
  129. Re. England ... dunno mate ... all I know is I'm not wasting 2 hours of my life watching it.

    ReplyDelete
  130. Yeah I get the feeling that you won't be alone in doing that Star. Plenty of empty seats at Wembley again I guess.

    ReplyDelete
  131. Do you get to the Lane very often Star?

    ReplyDelete
  132. Never have the time or money Noel .. this re-enacting lark is hideously expensive.

    ReplyDelete
  133. I can imagine. Is it all self funded, or are you part of a group? I guess there must be some organisation otherwise you'd all turn up as Napoleon. I only caught a bit of you guys talking about it - is it just Napoleonic period, or allsorts?

    ReplyDelete
  134. People do just about any era you can think of Noel, but I do Napoleonic, British, usually with the Kings German Legion, (George III was German and had close links with Hanover.)

    We're in the Napoleonic Association, but a lot of our funding comes from events that'll pay our expenses to get there and back. Some groups have struck it lucky and gotten a grant from the National Lottery under the premise that it's educational.

    The kit though is usually off our mown backs (or wallets) We must have about 2 grand's worth of gear here at home, oh and the battered Ford estate and trailer to lug it all about.

    Speaking of the Ford, damn thing's up for it's M.o.T on Monday ... how I'm NOT looking forward to that.

    ReplyDelete
  135. I do love a good war - from a historic point of view obviously. That's one of the great things about living in the Falklands - you live in an ex-battlefield still with the scars visible. Apart from the minefields, you can walk through the major battles and see the discarded mortar cases, or artillery pieces and bunkers. And as most of the fighting was around the capital, it's all 5 minutes from your sofa.

    ReplyDelete
  136. I do love war as well, but the thing is every time i go to a place they've just finished their war. I've lived in Sierra Leone, Angola and now South Africa. Fuck it I'm going to Iraq in a few weeks time, and guess what? The yanks pull out. Blieery hell

    ReplyDelete
  137. Oi Monk, move to Afghanistan ... if that war magically resolves itself the week before you're due to air freight your belongings out there you can rock up to the Nobel society and demand the peace award ;)

    ReplyDelete
  138. i wrote a blog, its about science and religion and if you record it and play it backwards it sounds like the music from lovejoy...

    ReplyDelete
  139. any one else think england will lose tonight...


    yeah i dont either me too...

    ReplyDelete
  140. i'l tell you that capellos problem...

    he has a bunch of work shy primadonna englishmen in his team... sack the lot and get some foreign people in.

    ReplyDelete
  141. Mmmmm Jaffa Cakes.

    I don't really care what they are, I just open a packet and scoff 'em down.

    BUT, to end the debate, I bring you the biscuit vs cake amendment as argued by the high courts.

    A cake is a soft substance that when stale gets hard.

    A biscuit is a hard substance that when stale gets soft.

    To conclude, a Jaffa cake is a stale biscuit.....
    Or is it?

    ReplyDelete
  142. RBA
    I think of one who could be dropped, someone wrote he's found his scoring touch after 5 months,
    yeah from the fucking penalty spot

    ReplyDelete
  143. All my commnents seem to dissappear -

    Gary Neville for England (come on everyone knows Johnson is rubbish)

    ReplyDelete
  144. well put adam but totlly futile, the beeb has the form of public accountability but none of the substance. i think it shoud go personally. i no longer see what it contributes that subsidies to channel 4 and the like wouldnt achieve much mre cheaply and probably better.

    ReplyDelete
  145. huh did i imgine that letter to the bbc, adam?

    ReplyDelete
  146. GlenGary, sounds like he should be playing for Boro

    ReplyDelete
  147. A cake is a soft substance that when stale gets hard.

    A biscuit is a hard substance that when stale gets soft.

    To conclude, a Jaffa cake is a stale biscuit.....

    -------------

    youve just defined my penis as a jaffa cake, H. that can be right as i have (at least) 3 kids

    ReplyDelete
  148. Damn you Blogs, I'll never eat a Jaffa Cake again.

    ReplyDelete
  149. RedBlueArmy92 said...

    i wrote a blog, its about science and religion and if you record it and play it backwards it sounds like the music from lovejoy...

    ---------

    i played it backwards and the devils voice told me to kill tony pulis

    ReplyDelete
  150. H - does that include sucking the brown cover off to reveal the soft floppy orange contents?

    as you know im black, suffer from erectile dysfunction and drink Sunny Delight in huge quantities

    ReplyDelete
  151. Starfire said...

    Never have the time or money Noel .. this re-enacting lark is hideously expensive.
    -----------
    can you not combine your two hobbies and reenact famous football matches, star?

    ReplyDelete
  152. interesting but not surprising that an england team blog attracts even less interest these days than a cricket blog, the traditional quient country village of robbo blog topics

    ReplyDelete
  153. ****************tumbleweed************************

    ReplyDelete
  154. Everyone gone to rid their cupboards of Jaffa Cakes.

    ReplyDelete
  155. Dammit..now i feel like having a jaffa cake (coz of all the jaffa talk..not because of how blog described it)..trott..that brit store in KoP that you mentioned..are they likely to be storing jaffa cakes? just found a bunch of sellers on amazon but dont feel like paying 7 dollars in shipping for a 4 dollar box.

    ReplyDelete
  156. sorry AH i understand your subliminal overtures but im afraid im heterosexual

    ReplyDelete
  157. I'm off down to the Dungheap to drown away any memories of the cake that thinks it's a biscuit (or vice versa)

    Good luck to England, I'll be watching Oranje (damn it, same colour as the inside of a ....) take on the mighty San Marino. (didn't his brother play for the Miami Dolphins?)

    In a while, crocodiles.

    ReplyDelete
  158. even if promised my perpetual support to Port Vale from here on after??

    ReplyDelete
  159. not even if you promise to wage terroroist jihad against Old Trafford, AH

    ReplyDelete
  160. blogs..you old heartbreaker. no jaffa cakes today and no love from blogs..not the best of fridays..hopefully a hat-trick from st. stevie should put things right.

    ReplyDelete
  161. all this talk of eating jaffa cakes reminds me of that old black and white horror film "Count Yorga, Vampire Shit Sucker" esp. the bit where Yorga comes in and, er, is confronted by the, you know, enraged arsehole and er, well, you know, the actor i can't name ..... the way he gets his gob round that arsehole ...

    ReplyDelete
  162. who the fuck brought up the old jaffa cake conndrum anyways

    trotterusa, is this your doing?

    ReplyDelete
  163. blog, you sure thats a horror film......sounds a bit like that dogging film i was in....i mean watched.

    ReplyDelete
  164. Blog. Your private DVD collection is just that, son. Private.

    ReplyDelete
  165. Went to here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jaffa.
    Not a mention of bleeding cakes!

    ReplyDelete
  166. mornin Lads,

    Blog, no it wasn't me. World Cup Geordie ate a packet of Jaffas and 2 ice creams while reading about the ageing footballer. If he sticks to that diet he'll never make the Parsippany Blues first team.

    AH. go to goodwoods.com they sell all kinds of Brit grub including Jaffas. Keep your eye on the shipping costs which get lower the more you order. Also, google Mrs Bridges Pantry, it's an English tea room in Woodstock, Connecticut. They have a great selection of stuff and I stock up when I go through there but they also do mail order.

    ReplyDelete
  167. Bleedy feckin ppl... just cut the cake and smash it on Capelo's smuggy face.

    I m bored of cake talk happening since last 2 days.

    ReplyDelete
  168. cant's have your cake and eat it, SS.

    ReplyDelete
  169. or as the eskimo said when his canoe burst into flames - yu cant have your kayak and heat it

    ReplyDelete
  170. so, has he announced the team yet?

    ReplyDelete
  171. 53 varieties of baked been then:

    http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/food-and-drink/news/rat-found-in-tin-of-baked-beans-2069687.html

    ReplyDelete
  172. bet they dont stock that delicacy in mrs bridges pantry, trott

    ReplyDelete
  173. Rep of Ireland won, well done lads. You'd have thought ARMenia might throw the odd one in.

    ReplyDelete
  174. bloody hell, it's to be hoped not Hudson

    ReplyDelete
  175. A post mortem examination showed that it hadn't eaten recently - it had not enjoyed a last meal of baked beans

    -----

    well perhaps he didnt LIKE baked beans, perhaps he ws looking for the alphabti spaghetti and got lost. journalists eh?

    ReplyDelete
  176. is that where the term 'rat-arsed' originates?

    ReplyDelete
  177. Under UK law, no Value Added Tax (VAT) is charged on plain biscuits and cakes — they are "zero rated". Chocolate covered biscuits, however, are subject to VAT. McVities classed its Jaffa Cakes as cakes, but in 1991, this was challenged by Her Majesty's Customs and Excise and the case ended up before the courts.[8] This may have been because Jaffa Cakes are about the same size and shape as some types of biscuit, and particularly because they are commonly eaten alongside, or instead of, traditional biscuits. The court asked "What criteria should be used to class something as a cake?"

    McVities defended its classification of Jaffa Cakes as cakes, producing a 12" (30 cm) Jaffa Cake to illustrate that its Jaffa Cakes were simply miniature cakes.[9]

    McVities argued that a distinction between cakes and biscuits is, among other things, that biscuits would normally be expected to go soft when stale, whereas cakes would normally be expected to go hard. It was demonstrated to the Tribunal that Jaffa Cakes become hard when stale. Other factors taken into account by the Chairman, Potter QC, included the name, ingredients, texture, size, packaging, marketing, presentation, appeal to children, and manufacturing process. Potter ruled that the Jaffa Cake is a cake. McVities therefore won the case and VAT is not paid on Jaffa Cakes.[10]

    _________

    Cakes it is then.

    ReplyDelete
  178. thanks Spit. We'll do it all again next year.

    ReplyDelete
  179. That delicacy was probably found in one of Mrs Miggins pies

    ReplyDelete
  180. what oyu can achieve with a clever lawyer, robbing n innocent biscuitpie of its identity and using it to defraud the exchequer

    ReplyDelete
  181. So its legally a cake but actually something between a cake and a biscuit.

    A tranny of tea time deserts, if you will.

    ReplyDelete
  182. and at Wembley they have kicked off:

    4 min Theo Walcott gets the ball on the right and runs at the Bulgarian defence. They back away, and Walcott gets to the byline. He runs it over the line and leaps over the advertising hoardings. He's still going. He's now sprinting into the crowd and up the steps.

    6 min John Terry is being booed. He's not even there, but a steward who looks a bit like him is getting things thrown at him.

    7 min Chance for Bulgaria as Matthew Upson kicks his own foot and trips up, Phil Jagielka misses with a flying kung-fu kick and Joe Hart clings to the post in terror. Bojinov finds the side netting.

    8 min Theo Walcott is still going and is believed to be approaching Wembley Park tube station.

    13 min As England struggle to get the ball, Fabio Capello negotiates a contract extension until 2022.

    15 min Reports that Theo Walcott is now at the Ikea on Staples Corner...

    torygraph

    ReplyDelete
  183. class Blog, if you could do that for the whole game it might be better than the real thing.

    ReplyDelete
  184. COME ON ENGLAND!

    well youve got to havent you? we're up against those monsters (or gods?) of european football Bulgaria, Switzerland, Wales and Montenegro.

    ReplyDelete
  185. trott i cnt claim credit for that, its from the telegraph

    ReplyDelete
  186. Steven Gerrard: "I'm as excited as I was going into the World Cup games going into this qualifier with Bulgaria."

    ---------


    is he taking the piss?

    ReplyDelete
  187. Ze Germans are up against the lead by the Verminator.

    I reckon they'll fail to claim the 3 points tonight.

    Off to another night of either shameful sniggers or shameless schadenfreude.


    Or neither.

    Laterz.

    ReplyDelete
  188. yeah, I thought it was shit really, your version would be wayyyyy better

    ReplyDelete

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