Monday, 20 September 2010

The Real Deal - with Sam Allardyce

"It wouldn't be a problem for me to manage [Real Madrid] because I would win the double or the league every time." Sam Allardyce, Friday September 17th 2010


Big Sam patrols the touchline. Training. Monday morning. Always a time to really press your size 12s on the back of these show-ponies’ necks and remind them who’s boss.

As ever his Blackburn squad are fancying themselves a bit. The big Kiwi centre-back Ryan Nelsen is trying step-overs, the bloody philistine.

'Ryan!!!’ bellowed Sam. ‘Just fooking whack it, will ya!’

Other than that, training went well. Morten Gamst was in particularly good form. One of his dives could’ve fooled a computer-generated recreation so life-like was it. And Dioufy was crashing into inflatable goalkeepers with relentless accuracy.

Suddenly Tina Turner’s ‘Simply The Best’ crashes across the training ground. It was Big Sam’s mobile ringtone. He answers it.

‘Yeah?’

A suspiciously continental voice says: ‘Hello is that Edelweiss?’

‘Allardyce!’

‘Is me, Senor Perez.’

‘Ey oop, Florentino, lad. Don’t call us at work! You’re worse than me son Craig, the football agent with the allegedly tarnished reputation.’

‘We need you Edelweiss! This new gaffer he’s...’

Big Sam nodded. ‘I know, I know. Not gorra clue has he? Two Champs League trophies and he thinks he’s God.’

‘Exactly.’

‘I’d like to have seen Jose Fookin Mourinho get Notts County to Division 3 champions in 1997. What were he up to then, eh? Translating for Bobby Robson – how hard could that be?’

‘Well, you know I heard Sir Bobby speak Hinglish and even a Hinglishman didn’t know what he was saying – so I say bloody well hard job.’

Big Sam grew impatient. ‘Whaddya want, Florry? I’ve got a Carling Cup game to prepare for, son. Against the Villa – another club that are desperate for us.’

‘Jose is finished. We need you. We need you NOW.’

Another call was coming in. Big Sam put Florry on hold.

‘Yeah’.

‘Good-a morning-a, Signor Haddapie’

Sam sighed. ‘Ohh bugger me, it’s only that Massimo Moratti!’

"He will raise us up as he raised up ermm, that other team he managed... erm... Newcastle?"

************************************************************************************

‘Hello. Special One’ sneered Sam.

Mourinho bowed low. ‘An honour, Senor Edelweiss. After 2 wins and a draw, the most I could’ve expected was to stay in some form of employment at Real.’

‘And you will mek an ace translator’ said Sam, folding four sticks of Wrigley’s Spearmint across his palm and jamming them into his big, big mouth.

Sam didn’t want to waste any time. He wanted to make an impact with these so-called Galtacticos. Let ‘em know what’s expected of ‘em.

First stop, the keeper. Iker Casillas, winner of 4 La ligas, 3 Copa del Reys, 2 Champs Leagues, 1 European Championships and 1 World Cup.

‘Oi, Iker... you know nowt. All right? Them medals don’t count for shit!’ Big Sam sticks his fingers in his mouth and blows a shrill whistle. The back door of an estate car opens and bounding across the grass comes Dioufy. Iker stares in horror as the unleashed dog-man thwacks into his chest and knocks him horizontal.

Casillas screams in Spanish as Dioufy slavers dribble down onto his face. Mourinho translates: ‘Get him off! Get that mad fooker off me! Argghhh!’

‘This is going to be easier than I thought’ chuckles Sam to himself.

"A keeper? Taken out? Yes, boss. 'Course, boss."

*************************************************************************************

Kaka is next on the burly Lancastrian’s list.

‘Now then Kaka – in fact fook it, let’s drop the formality, can I call you cack?’

Kaka stares in disbelief.

‘I hear you’re a big fan of Jesus. So am I! We both know the importance of crosses. I probably prefer longer ones to the Son of God, mind. Jesus was a carpenter wasn’t he? So listen, God-botherer, here’s a hammer and some nails. Go and make a comfy bench for yourself cos you ain’t getting a game while I’m here.’

Por que?

Sam fumes. ‘Cos you’re a wafty lightweight Brazilian jessie, that’s why!’

Simply The Best blares out again. Sam picks up. ‘Craig, son. Don’t call me at work!’

'Get Mancini on the phone - tell him fifty quid a week and I'm his'

*************************************************************************************

It’s going well for Sam. Everyone seems to understand what’s required of himself. Sam is very pleased with Higuain – a proper right big number 9. Plus he’s tucked into the new training programme with gusto –he’s managed to elbow nine out of ten coconuts off their stands one after the other.

‘Perfect. Might not need big Kev Davies after all.’

Sam’s been keen to get the centre-halves onside with the proper ways of defending but he needn’t have worried. Arch tugger and tapper Ricardo Carvalho is on hand to lend his advice. He’ll be the perfect partner for Chrissy Samba come the transfer window.

And the Wrigleys Chewing Gum lorry had turned up right on time with its bulk delivery.

There’s just one problem. The twat in the number seven shirt. Cristiano Ronaldo. Thinks he’s Mr. Madrid. Well norranymore.

‘Oi CR7!’

The gelled tumbler lours at Sam from beneath his Studiolined kiss-curl.
‘You can forget about playing that fancy dan brand of footy they let you get away with at Man U!’

‘You forget’ smirks the superstar. ‘Mourinho has been here for a few weeks. We have long forgotten how to be intuitive.’

‘Yeah, well, you can forget Pretty-Boy Jose. I’m the new face of Real Madrid and it’s not pretty. Now join the other lads. In the helicopter.’

There were all in there, including Spanish lads like Xabi Alonso and Sergio Ramos who’d picked up bad habits at international level. The helicopter hovered fifty feet above the sweet green grass of Sam’s new home, the Estadio Santiago Bernabeu.

‘Gentlemen. El Classico approaches fast. And why are we here fifty feet above the turf? Cos this, gentlemen is where we will win the game. Up here, just beneath the clouds. There’s much to learn. Now let’s get back to the video room and watch Holland kick the shit out of Spain in the World Cup Final…’

*************************************************************************************

Simply the Best blared out again. Sam fumbled for his phone. ‘If that’s the FA after me again I’ll… ’

‘Sam?’

‘Yeah…?’

‘Wake up, Sam, you self-deluding prat - you’re supposed to be on the bus with Blackburn under 19s in ten minutes.’

'Sergio! Any more o' that and i'm off to Inter!'

484 comments:

  1. Brilliant stuff Robbo!

    Are the movie rights for sale?

    Big Sam for Arsenal.

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  2. from the previous blog,then I'll read this one...

    SS11 said...

    Okay Jacks. But thats my bread and butter... 4 years now since working for an investment bank.
    ______________________________
    I'll just take my foot out my mouth SS11....

    ReplyDelete
  3. I can offer no higher praise for that work of genius that it was just like reading blogidy.

    Magic darts Robbo.

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  4. Hahaha, I can't stop laughing.
    Superb blog Robbo!

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  5. sam looked on enviously at the beatification of cardinal newman. he is reported as saying "it wouldnt be a problem for me to be a saint. i worked miracles at bolton."

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  6. From CC

    Hey Jacko!

    Yeah, can't quite believe it myself - just waiting for it to all go T.U! Good to see your boys putting another dent in the Cardiff bandwagon though - they need to be smashed out of sight every week before Bellamy and co are fit again.

    Glad you like blogs - just a shame I can't get into any dialogue at the bottom (always my favourite bit of the 'old days'). Hoping to be given permission to set my own up soon, but at least the FL are giving me a licence to write rather than rewrite PA copy, which is all I'm doing at the mo.

    Speak soon old son,

    Chris

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  7. protecting your sanity, since 2010:


    http://catechismofcliche.blogspot.com

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  8. Trying to set up a pint with CC at the mo. After the Boro drubbing by the Rs he can't wait.

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  9. Robbo,I think we are all chasing 2nd place with Uncle Colin leading QPR away over the hill.

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  10. Id like to see sam sent out to helmand province, dressed as rambo, barechested, machinegun bullet belt over his shoulder, kamikaze bandana, smerking a cheroot. he's have to be booted crying out of the back of the transport plane,of course.

    i looked up delusional in the dictionary and there was a little picture of Sam. i assume he was bigging himself up for the england job, but the avalanche of derision cant have done him any good, i hope.

    like the time he said his name should be pronounced Sam Alla-dee-chay, italian like.

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  11. I'd like to see the BBC send Phil "space" McNugget go and interview "big" Sam.

    I'm sure it would make rip roaring copy.

    And it would give budgies up and down the land something to laugh at before they shit on the deck and have another mouthful of cuttlefish.

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  12. One of the best ever robbo man... top bleeding notch mush...

    Arnold moon lads...

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  13. You all laught at big Sam, but only cos he's a ridiculous bufoon... But he is also the best manager that has ever lived and i know this as it says it on his FaceBook status.

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  14. you only like him because he is going to be Aldershots next manager.

    Good news for West Ham United fans in The Sun

    Carlisle will have all tehir stands covered in time for nex season

    enjoy...

    I beginning to think that the bottom 3 will be West Ham, Wigan and (hopefully either Everton or Liverpool - unlikely but would be nice)

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  15. Hahaha. Just spat my coffee all over the computer screen..... Edelweis... classic !

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  16. lol lol lol Robbo, that was frigging brilliant .. even better than the one about the Newcastle Gospel you did the other year.

    Brilliant.

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  17. oh look.

    Un**ed have won again and Adam's full of vim and vigour again.

    Bolton will soon sort your lot out Adam.Pass and move is the new mantra at The Reebok.

    (note to self,drop Davies for next week as he won't get a sniff....)

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  18. Stanley winning on Friday and now this. Class either side of the weekend

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  19. Accrington Stanley Baxter?

    Who are they?....

    (cue punch line,probably from RBA)

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  20. Big Sams Achievments: Big sam has or could:

    Won every major trophy in football.
    Saved the chilean minors.
    Won a general election with an out-right majority.
    Destroyed a death star.
    Beaten Pele at world cup willies.
    Won the conckers world cup.
    Got a cut price blowy from Juicy Jenni.
    Beaten a bear at arm wrestling.
    Got a high five from the Fonz.
    Saved humanity from the uprising of the machines.
    See dead people.
    Teach mandrin chinese to goldfish.
    Touched Dianas boobs.
    Bullseye womp rats in his T-16 back home.
    Beat Phil Taylor at darts.
    Got all yes's on X-factor.
    Stolen more pic-a-nic baskets than Yogi bear.
    Created a more realistic assisnation of David Kelly.
    Brought peace to Northern Ireland.
    Restored Balance to the Jedi.
    Coined the phrase "to coin a phrase".
    Written teh Harry Potter book.
    Constructed a unified theory.
    Fixed the economy.
    Invented the Rubicks condom.
    Got ricky hatton to quit the sniff.

    That Big Sam... what a prince,

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  21. At the end of the day,Big Sam is as sharp as a knife and is over the moon at his recognition as being as good as gold.No flies on him.

    I think he's out of his proverbial mind...

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  22. what he has a proverbial mind........

    I don't think he has any kind of mind other than how to bully people. I think his style of play is born out of interrupting little kids footie games and blasting their ball over the fence and making them go and get it

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  23. Adam,that was only an advert he did for Barclaycard(other robbing git credit card companies are available).

    And it was a proverbial joke(nicked from Peter Kay)

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  24. On a serious note... i think sams alright, his point about Arsenal being a bunch of litle pussies was bang on the money... Constructive thought from a great footballing mind.

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  25. protecting you from mental decay since 2010:

    http://catechismofcliche.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  26. RBA:

    Big Sams Achievments: Big sam has or could:

    ------

    thats only HALF of it mate he's TWICE as good as even he thinks he is!!

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  27. we are as you all know the most famous little club in the world..............it was said we were going to have a secret weapon this year.........turned out to be a new level pitch with grass on it........seems to be working though

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  28. I thought the most famous little club in the world was The Hobbit's XI.

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  29. Good stuff Robbo man.

    Afternoon peeps!

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  30. wonderful stuff
    writing invention at its very best

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  31. that was hilarious stuff mate..keep it coming..need something of this sort to be able to continue laughing after each 'pool performance.

    Morning all..

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  32. Big Sam walked into a Starbucks, he leaped behind the counter and farted into a canister of reject coffee beans miraculosy turning them into the sweetest cup of joe the world had ever seen. As word spread of this amazing brew more customers demanded it, so the great man started guffing off steam in other caisters in a semingly perfect rhytmn.
    "How is that possible, without the use of an ipod?" asked a confused little chipmunk faced twat.

    "ïpod" replied the bloated one. "Who needs an ipod when you have angels singing constant hymes of praise in my mind all the time".

    He then placed his hand on the goofy git magically transforming his scruffy bum fluff into a magnifcent Roy K**ne bush.

    "Okidoki then" Sam bellowed. "My work here is done, anyone wishing for their coffee to have a bit of froth on it, should hang around, Diouffie should be here in a minute."

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  33. Big Sam's not that good... I dont see him anywhere in the only league that counts... The Robbo Head to Head league

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  34. Geordie, Big Sam is in a fantasy league of his own.

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  35. jacksofbuxton said...
    oh look.

    Un**ed have won again and Adam's full of vim and vigour again.

    Bolton will soon sort your lot out Adam.Pass and move is the new mantra at The Reebok
    ------------------------------------------
    Jacks, on the basis that Liverpool can take 'em to an 84th minute winner, I reckon we should cruise this one by 3 clear goals even without Jussi and Cahill. If Big Sam was still in charge it'd be about 6 - 0 for us, more if he played himself at centre back.

    The new mantra is pass it as long as you can and move if possible. Then knock it about a bit in three x 5 minute spells...that's what the masses'll remember.

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  36. Guess who will join Big Sam to Madrid as Assistant Coach?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    R Salgado

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  37. SS11, I heard that Don Revie was joining the Big Man at Real....

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  38. Don't be silly, SS11.


    Fat Sam doesn't need an assitant (except to help him out the bath and carry the copius amounts of chewing gum needed during match days)

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  39. isnt fat sam the guy who hangs out with schoolgirls dressed as gangsters?

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  40. protecting everyone except Fat Sam from mental decay since 2010:

    http://catechismofcliche.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  41. protecting everyone except Fat Sam from mental decay since 2010:

    http://aldershotwoes.blogspot.com/2010/09/protest.html

    and erm... stealing blogs tag lines...

    ReplyDelete
  42. Robbo

    Brilliant, abso-bloody-lutely laugh-out-loud funny (takes hat off...)

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  43. Correct bloggy, in his Grandslam, speak easy.

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  44. my name is Tallulah I..*splurge*

    I also take issue with the barber in that film.I would never dream of setting someone up for a splurge gun attack.

    I prefer the assassins approach of pie in the face.

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  45. Fat sam would never have let Jodie Foster leave with Bugsy (joanie loves chachi) Malone.

    He would of made sure she had a decent career, winning Oscars is easy.

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  46. Jacks, waste of pie man...


    One thing Big Sam good do better

    http://aldershotwoes.blogspot.com/2010/09/protest.html

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  47. I wonder if Fat Sam('s grand slam.Speakeasy) took his youth team from all the boxers...so you wanna be a boxer/in the golden ring.

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  48. An I thought Justin Fashanu was the only footballer to admit being battered around the ring

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  49. Brilliant! Great blog. Always made me laugh

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  50. Top blog Robbo,

    one of the all time bests.

    Cheers.

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  51. Big Sam has announced that he could reverse global warming by halving the damaging gases entering the earth's atmosphere if he so wanted but for that he'll have to stop farting through his mouth.

    But he would never do it.

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  52. Little known fact about Big Sam,

    Nasa request his services when they need to send a satellite in to space but are low on budget for rockets.

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  53. Robbo, I love you man, buuuuuuuuuuut

    Yer wrong on this one. Throwing a floopy is playing into the hands of the dreaded Platini and Blatter.

    WTF do ye want? Tippy tappy ARSEnal shite that looks good on graph paper but fails to win anything. Or, end to end British warfare that is shit football but so entertaining to watch? I don't know but give me the choice: Tippy tappy La Liga or blood and guts EPL? Ok, I'm a philistine, but let me watch full contact EPL footy over La Liga anytime.

    La Liga, Barcelona in particular may be a pleasure to watch but I still prefer the full contact football that is the EPL and SPL.

    Football was a working class (blood and guts) sport that was created by the British. Winning world and Euro cups means fuck all to the dedicated fan. We don't care about integrity.

    We just want to win shit!!!

    Give me Sam Allardyce over Shitbag Platini and Blatter any day of the fucking week.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Helsinki Arab,

    alright man, you've convinced us.

    He's yours.

    Sam 'Edelweiss' Allardyce is all yours.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Here's a tip for my English brethren.

    Don't let them get you down.

    English football (hides head in shame) fucking rocks. I would rather watch Wigan v Blackburn rather than the pretentious shit that is Real Madrid v Barcelona any day of the week.

    I like players that give it their all. I fucking demand 500% from players that get paid 20,000 euros or more per week. It's the absolute minimum I deserve.

    Kick, bite, grapple. I don't care. Just show the fans that you care and are willing to give it your all.

    If you care for us, we will fucking idolise you.

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  56. I'm with Hels Arab on this one. In fact, it falls on me to remind all of you that were alive and had an opinion, that 98.2% of those who voted, wanted Brian Clough as manager of England back in the day. The F.A. was scared of Cloughie because he'd tell those FA suits to shut the fuck up and let him get on with the business of managing the team. This would be what Sam would do so there's no chance of him getting the job.

    Cloughie liked his teams to play on the ground and pass a fair bit and he also won a shed full of trophies. Those small points aside, Big Sam and Cloughie are practically the same bloke. With two years fine tuning his skills at Arsenal, Sam will be ready but the FA won't.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Awesome blog Robbo, maybe even the best of yours I've read. Loved it!

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  58. The Tees Mouth said...
    Trying to set up a pint with CC at the mo. After the Boro drubbing by the Rs he can't wait.
    -----------------
    careful Robbo, didn't he spill the last one?

    ReplyDelete
  59. futsal -id never heard of it but this is why Brazil, and now Spain dominate proper football. All the kids play this first. in brazil it's massive - the idea that theyre all playign barefoot on the beech with ripe mangnos is balls.

    pele ronaldo, ronaldinho, etc all say football is easy when you play it after futsal

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Futsal

    ReplyDelete
  60. Again,

    of all the places England shall look up to for tips, hints and lessons on how to improve the performance on world stage in all matters football... . . . .

    Scotland, not one of them

    as you were.

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  61. Trott,

    I understand your love for Big Sam (in a non-gay way?) for what he achieved at your club.

    I for one cant stand the foulmouth.

    I know he has every right to make his teams play the way he does. He also has every right to say things he does so no worries there either.

    I just cannot for the life of me, think of paying to watch a Big Sam vs. Tony Pulis slug fest. They both are doing well for their respective clubs and their fans love it so no other person has the right to tell them what to do and how to do it.

    I just thank god the type are not in charge at my club (and yes, it is still my club whatever you call it)

    He would be a disaster for England if he got the National job.

    For my money, Woy Wodgson or 'arry Redknap are more suited to getting the best out of the horse manure they are served up with in terms of players and get them playing a game one would actually sit down and watch.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Another 147 for O'Sullivan. After being persuaded to pot the black by the ref as there was no prize money for getting the maximum break.

    Big game tonight - Arsenal reserves against Spurs reserves. Difficult to know who'll win, although I suspect we'll have the likes of Pletikosa, Dos Santos, Sandro, Pavyluchenko, Keane and Hutton in the team. Should be a good game either way. Seeing as I'm on fire with my predo's this week, I'll go for 2-1 to the mighty Spurs.

    ReplyDelete
  63. blogdignag said...
    futsal -id never heard of it but this is why Brazil, and now Spain dominate proper football. All the kids play this first. in brazil it's massive - the idea that theyre all playign barefoot on the beech with ripe mangnos is balls.

    pele ronaldo, ronaldinho, etc all say football is easy when you play it after futsal

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Futsal
    _________________________________________

    Bloggy, does your lad play it?

    I think its exactly what our kids need to be playing. You cant hoof it, so it makes you have to dribble and pass.

    I bought a ball a few years ago when i was playing 5 a side and tried getting them to play with that instead of a full size ball. I liked it but some of em kept tripping over the bloody thing, so we went back to the the full size. Philistines!

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  64. oh i just read it again...you hadnt heard of it.

    Look up Simon Clifford - A boro fan! Got in to it after speaking to Juninho's dad at a game.

    ReplyDelete
  65. Yo Spitster, my fondness for Allardyce is more from his playing days than the good job he did as our manager. I also like what he did in keeping some of the older players happy, motivated and fit on our budget, Campo, Speed etc. He resurrected careers too, Kevin Davies on a free, Anelka brought back from the wilderness to the Prem, Diouf from the scrap heap of football, there's no doubt that the players that play for him like doing so and they seem to give their low priced best at all times. He also picked up the odd bargain, Jaskeleinen for 100 grand! On the other side of the ledger, he's the guy that got 17 million for Santa Claus!

    He does a good job with what he's got and probably doesn't give a shit what the fans of opposing teams think of him. He prefers to speak his mind before engaging in a popularity contest and for that he has my respect.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Morning Yáwl.

    Trotts, I understsnd completly your support for Fat Sam('s Grand Slam, Speak easy) he did a marvalous job at Bolton, he nade a nice suit from the fabric that was afforded him.

    He then decided he was too good for your club and could take them no futher, he decided to take on a new challenge, which of course he had every right to do, he did his job well, but he'd had enough... Fair play.

    He then went to a bigger(?!) club, Newcastle. I don't pretend to be an expert on anything Geordie, but I do know that they like their team to play atractive footy, the kind of footy that is missing from the Allyoppsadice game plan.
    I do realise that there were also outside factors that made his tenure an unplesent one (Shephard v Astley etc) but he didn't really do himself any favours with the way he had the Barcodes playing. He was never accepted by the Toon Army (but then again who except for false messiahs really is?) It was a mission that was always doomed to fail.

    Now he's at Blackburn, a team, with all due respect not too dissimilar from Bolton, who's mission is to survive in the PL, once again he uses his recources well and has brought in the types of players that are suited to his way of thinking. all good..........
    But is this really the kind of coach that you want managing England?

    No thank you, he is tacticaly inept and I can't see (ofcourse I may be wrong) how a guy like that could be benificiary to our nationl team.

    He's a good mid=table PLMmanager, no mean feet, but I feel anything else is beyond hin.*









    *Unless ofcourse he was at Real/fake Madrid in which case he would win the double every year.

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  67. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  68. scholesy - im reading a book by mathew syed called Bounce - highly recommended and he mentions futsal.

    syed was englands number 1 table tennis player but the books about the practice theory of talent ie innate talent is a cultural myth - tiger woods, mozart, desomnd douglas all did 10,000 hours of guided practice before they were any good.

    all that the myth of talent does is stop kids who dont think they have it from practicing hard

    futsal is hard so it stretches the limits of the kids who play it. the 10,000 hours has to be smart and targetted.

    desomnd douglas stood close to the table which gave him an advantage even over the chinese for a while. his 10,000 hours was spent in a little shed almost filled by the table tennis table - there was no room for him to step back.

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  69. btw syed came from one of two or three streets which produced nearly all of englands top players for a decade because there was a local coach who was dedicated and mad keen on helping the kids.

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  70. trott i admire your loyalty to sam.

    but...

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  71. Alright Trott,

    you can split Big Sam with that dundee bloke.

    Now dont fight over him and play nice.

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  72. Been on my first school trip today since I went to Birmingham mosque in 1995. They call them field trips at uni, but it amounts to the same thing. I'm still not cool enough to sit on the back seat of the coach.

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  73. My daughters have been presented with 2 tickets each for Stoke City v Blackburn for raising the most money at their school for a penalty shoot out.

    (2nd prize was 4 tickets each)

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  74. So they get to see Big Sam and his Bad Boys (from Bugsy, not Diouf) in real life before he heads off to the continent?

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  75. Splurge guns will be at the ready Noel...

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  76. from McNumpty's blog:

    282. At 11:31pm on 20 Sep 2010, blogdignag wrote:
    This comment was removed because the moderators found it broke the House Rules.

    -------------

    why, phil, why?????

    ReplyDelete
  77. Still the ONLY McNUmpty fan site on the web. Why doesnt he want people to know about it?

    http://catechismofcliche.blogspot.com/

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  78. How could he read what you wrote Blog when his head's still firmly wedged up Fergie's arse?

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  79. Cos you take all the best bits and make them better Bloggy. You'd be the only bloke reading his to get some material, and everyone else would just read yours. You should ask the BBC if you can accompany Phil to all his games so you can report on his reporting first hand.

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  80. maybe his daughter is called Cate Chisolm and he doesn't like your title blogidy.

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  81. I always wanted one of them cars that were pedal powered from the Bugsy film. What happened when you were splurged anyhow? Did you die, or did life just freeze? That movie left more questions than it answered.

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  82. Cripes I nearly forgot we're playing Arsenal today ... dunno why they're bothering to dress it up as a cup match though ... couldn't they have just agreed that whoever won their match in the reserves went through to the next round or sommat?

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  83. the road tax on them is pretty cheap as well.

    I think when you got splurged you became the custardy of fat sam.

    ReplyDelete
  84. my brave lads are away at Millwall.

    I wonder if their fans nick their own balls as well?(assuming they shave them that is)

    ReplyDelete
  85. If they're technically bicycles, do you need to wear a helmet when driving them? More questions left unanswered.

    ReplyDelete
  86. Another Noel prediction hot off the press:

    I reckon Ipswich boss Roy Keane is likely to rotate his squad, with Brian Murphy set to replace first-choice goalkeeper Marton Fulop. Striker Tamas Priskin and full-back Mark Kennedy could also come into the starting line-up.

    ReplyDelete
  87. copied and pasted from the BBC website Noel?

    Or does blogidy's psychic cat,nosferatu,have some new competition?

    ReplyDelete
  88. Noel said...

    If they're technically bicycles, do you need to wear a helmet when driving them? More questions left unanswered.
    __________________________________________
    You do need a helmet.

    In fact these machines came in very handy for this years winner of the vuelta a espana,Vincenzo Nibali,who splurged all his rivals on the final mountain stage to confirm his victory.

    Left all his rivals with egg on their faces,well meringue really but that's technically egg whites...

    ReplyDelete
  89. I can't believe you've levelled that accusation at me Jacks. Copy someone else's work? That would make me no better than McNulty himself.

    ReplyDelete
  90. I can't believe you've levelled that accusation at me Noel. Copy someone else's work? That would make me no better than McNulty himself.

    ReplyDelete
  91. is there?if you've finished with it Noel,I'll have a read.

    ReplyDelete
  92. I was always an Express & Star man myself.

    ReplyDelete
  93. or even Wolverhampton Express and Star?

    ReplyDelete
  94. Yeah Wolverhampton Express & Star.

    ReplyDelete
  95. Although we got the Stafford Express & Star too. Best of both worlds.

    ReplyDelete
  96. Cheadle has 2 newspapers.

    The Cheadle and Tean Times(the stunner)

    and Cheadle Post and Times(Leek paper with a different front page)
    Both are appalling.

    ReplyDelete
  97. I can't remember the name of the local from Rugely. We got that too, cos we lived inbetween. That was shite. I appeared in it once when a new chippy opened. I was playing football near it with my mates and the owner gave us free chips to sit there with our thumbs up and have our pic taken to give them a bit of free advertising.

    ReplyDelete
  98. Rugeley Post Noel.

    Free chips for getting your picture taken.

    I wonder if that's why Phil Taylor is such a big lad...

    ReplyDelete
  99. If he throws anything heavier than a 22g dart, then he needs to be a big lad.

    ReplyDelete
  100. Good news Helsinki Arab - Derek McInnes has signed a two-year contract extension as St Johnstone manager. You did say you were a St Johnstone fan didn't you?

    ReplyDelete
  101. Quiet on here today eh Jacks?

    ReplyDelete
  102. It's quieter than a PSB fan club meeting.

    ReplyDelete
  103. mornin Lads,

    H, I haven't and won't suggest Big Sam for England until he's had a spell at Arsenal.

    ReplyDelete
  104. Adam has just texted me to tell me that it's quiet on here because of a PSB fan club meeting.Unfortunately Adam couldn't go.

    So the other bloke must be gutted.

    ReplyDelete
  105. Aftnoon - congrats to Kathryn and Elizabeth in getting tickets for Pen comp success.

    Wazzup?

    ReplyDelete
  106. Now then...

    Hello FMcBH.

    Not a lot,as you can see.

    It's all quiet on the range.

    You ok?

    ReplyDelete
  107. and thanks for the congrats for the girls.

    ReplyDelete
  108. Im fine mate - not been feeling to well past couple of days but lot better mow - onwards and upwards!!!! How's Mr Snips? Well I hope :)

    ReplyDelete
  109. Can't grumble bonny lad.All is fairly groovy.

    Away at Millwall tonight,League Cup.

    Tomorrow sees 2 teams with very similar names play each other.

    Scunthorpe v Un**ed.

    ReplyDelete
  110. Jacks, wow, that's an amazing anagram; posher cunt. How has it taken all these years for me to get that? It's a proper education here. Forever indebted, Noo Joisey.

    ReplyDelete
  111. Trotts,wow,what a sarky posting.If I wanted to hear an arsehole I'd fart.

    twat.

    ReplyDelete
  112. WOw - trott - do they really talk like that - nice one Jacks!!!!!! :)

    Spuds v Goons tonight eh????

    ReplyDelete
  113. sarky? twat? you having a bad day?

    ReplyDelete
  114. hehe nice blog, ive allways wondered about the chewing gum Sam uses, must be huge chunks
    his chewing style is more relaxed , rhino like where as Ferguson chews like an impala checking around for lions
    interesting would be to see Sam coach Man U, would he chew as fast as Fergie and if so create a vortex?

    ReplyDelete
  115. My day was all right.

    Until some sarky twat got sarky.

    ReplyDelete
  116. You made reference to the similarities between Scunthorpe and United team names. I looked at the word "scunthorpe" and noticed the anagram. No big deal.

    ReplyDelete
  117. Evening all

    Have only just joined, and have not yet read the post by the French President Sarky twat but can only think that's who Jacks is referring to.

    Excellent blog Robbo - yet still no pics of Mourinho despite the many references.

    ReplyDelete
  118. Hello BHB,

    did you do the bendy knee thing for your "Evening all"?

    Home time(almost)

    Good luck to My Brave Lads away at Millwall.

    I hope that my football team do all right as well.

    ReplyDelete
  119. 'ello 'ello 'ello Jacks

    Yes I did do the bendy knee thing, it's obligatory don't you know

    Good luck for tonight and as for the other minor match going on,really can't decide who I want to win out of Spurs or Arsenal, suppose Spurs really but then that would leave Arsenal fresher for league if they go out. Decisions, decisions

    Yeah, even more nearly home time now

    ReplyDelete
  120. Bonjour.

    Well it's the Spuds v Arse tonight, but somehow I can't get excited about it. Both teams have bigger fish to fry this season and I don't think either manager will be heartbroken if they are the one to depart the CC.

    ReplyDelete
  121. guten morgen H2.

    The most I can hope for is for enough injuries on both sides :). No, not really. Somehow I'm plumping for Spurs, as we need them playing in as many games as possible, and arsene doesnt really care for the carling anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  122. My god, the recession must be over.

    Not a bloody soul on this blog.

    ReplyDelete
  123. Now then, now then.

    Spurs! Lets stuff 'em.

    ReplyDelete
  124. Helsinki Arab, you'd rather watch Wigan v Blackburn, than Barcelona v Real Madrid? yer not reet in the heed man.

    The Philistines were incredibly advanced culturally by the way. How's Harry Mclean?

    ReplyDelete
  125. Let the North london hate fest begin - no - ok :)

    ReplyDelete
  126. oi Spuds!!!!

    leave wilshire alone.

    third bloody challenge from behind. we're running out of players without your help, thank you very much.

    ReplyDelete
  127. BHB - can't you take one of your Moroseinho pics off your bedroom one and scan one into the blog for us all, love? We're all moist at the thought. NB I jest.

    ReplyDelete
  128. Since there is the odd bit of self promotion on here, this is mine:-

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhYNpGtskKU

    It could almost be called 'Robbo's allotment'.

    Oi spuds stop kicking lumps out of the ladies!

    ReplyDelete
  129. Hey Robbo - Boro like a 80s British Rail train eh - getting there???

    ReplyDelete
  130. Its 1:0 at turf moor so Owen Coyle must be a happy chappy.... O

    ReplyDelete
  131. Spitster, it's a Mickey Mouse Cup (unless we win it)

    ReplyDelete
  132. OMG.. Keane scores a goal..what next..torres maybe.

    ReplyDelete
  133. Mickey Mickey Mickey Mouse Mickey Mouse Mickey Mouse

    (Boro won it) :)

    (apols trotts mate just remembered who or whom we played)

    ReplyDelete
  134. extra time in narf london.

    engaging game this.

    ReplyDelete
  135. FBMcH, that was nearly our greatest moment for 40 odd years!

    ReplyDelete
  136. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  137. Congrats Jacks for the first of the regulars to go through to the next round.

    3:1 to Gunners at the WHL.

    Lovely.

    ReplyDelete
  138. Trotts our forst peice of silver for 128 yrs!!! mate

    Fbh trumps Trotts :)

    ReplyDelete
  139. no way? that's incredible. We get 4 cups per century. Was McLaren still in charge when you won it?

    ReplyDelete
  140. alrighty then.

    Spurs beaten at their home, job done.

    normal service will resume from the next round of CC.

    ReplyDelete
  141. I thought I couldn''t get excited about tonights Narf Landans Derby, I was wrong.

    I was on bar duty and had HH v Bayern on the box, but I kept having to sneak upstairs to catch a glimpse at a stream and check the progress on the live scores.

    Good stuff!!!

    ReplyDelete
  142. Everton's good start to the season continuing I see.

    ReplyDelete
  143. Moyes has demanded that Everton join the Russian season instead.

    No other way to rid of the crap at start of every season in england.

    ReplyDelete
  144. http://www.spurs-web.com/spurs-news/van-der-vaart-spurs-bigger-arsenal/

    I wonder if he'd like some custard with his humble pie tonight?

    ReplyDelete
  145. I rekon big sam's logic is that if gordon strachan once got a job with celtic and won the spl, then if he became the boss of a load of real mildreds, then he'd eventually win la liga, considering that league is as predictable and ecxiting as the spl.

    ReplyDelete
  146. Congrats to Spits and H2H. As always, I shall be garceful in defeat. Good luck with the rest of the competition. I was half right with my predo for the game - didn't factor in the Spurs centre halves both conceding penalties. At least we can concentrate on Champs League and league!

    ReplyDelete
  147. Do I smell?

    (Aye like a sweaty Haggis wrapped in a tartan kilt on a sunny scottsih beach in June ya wee bastard)

    ReplyDelete
  148. Champions leagiue - yr having a laff - sorry just reminisced when the Big Four (why or Whym 4?) was Man U Lpoo Everton and Forest - true - even the media said it - in fact only the media said it - biut like now eh???????????

    ReplyDelete
  149. (I forgot to F5 when I asked the "smell" question - I was last psoter - then I eff 5ved??)

    ReplyDelete
  150. Have I recovered my credibility????

    Narrrhhh - didnt think so - but fuck it - Boro are the best of the shite on Chumpionship - we are the best aI tells ya - of the shite - if you want shite there is only one place to go to get the best!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  151. Robbo, top top blog. Loving your work and all that soppy bollocks.

    Team up with FBH and get some fricking advertising in. We have gotta get you (both) earning out of this.

    ReplyDelete
  152. Come on ye Gunners!!!
    Well played Wilshere, Nasri & Koscielny. Arshavin touch added a merry cherry on the cream-filled cake.

    Result of the season so far for us! Sweet. I am happy. This means a lot in terms of motivation and confidence for the season ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  153. so....sm allerdee-chay says he was joking (sam - hint: jokes are funny). mind you it was hilarious in the end. sam. real madrid. hahahaha!

    commiserations trotter; even the eight security guards around the dugout couldnt protect coyle from a correct line-call

    (btw : posher cunt, i thort it was funny anyways)

    but whats going on at Everton. except of course theyre waking up to why beckford didnt make it at chelsea.

    ReplyDelete
  154. the happiest nations on earth:

    1. Denmark

    2 Switzerland

    3 Austria

    4 Iceland

    5 The Bahamas

    6 Finland

    7 Sweden


    The Bahamas (Bannanas as my auntie calls it, shes really fucking thick) has money sun sea and sand. the others have 2 things in common:

    1. no decent football to get their hopes up and them smash them like a tenderised octopus of hope on the rocks of disllusionment

    2. loads of blonde birds with big tits


    wheres me passport?

    (we're 41st, or were in 2006. i reckon we've dropped off the bottom of the table by now)

    ReplyDelete
  155. RBA - you still there mate? sad day if youre not posting on here any more.

    Woe Woe Woe Woe Woe Woe!
    Un-be-lievable!
    (Kate's Bush)

    ReplyDelete
  156. SNH5 Blog. I didn't see the match, the Yanks can't afford the rights to Burnley home fixtures but no worries, we can now concentrate on staying in the league. I like how he dropped a few before we take on Man U where we have a more realistic chance of victory, another lesson learned from Mick McCarthy. Just hope that the Posher Cunts haven't had the same brainwave before their weekend game eh!

    Can I have your Aunty's phone number?

    Yes, RBA, you gotta find a way man.

    ReplyDelete
  157. Redknapped has accused nasri of cheating!
    the cheak of it.

    The media dogs will have a field day on this one.

    the Oh-so-hollier-than-though-brown-envelop-following-git should remind us how easily the hand-ball goal by Defoe was swept under the carpet and shut the fuck up.

    ReplyDelete
  158. And now gibbs is out injured.

    the fuck they are doing something wrong in training.

    Un-fuckin-believable.

    ReplyDelete
  159. Oh, by the way 'arry,

    your only goal of the night was an offside.

    ReplyDelete
  160. You're all a bunch of twats who know fuck all about football and have no sense of humour.

    ReplyDelete
  161. 'ello there deadbeat(?)

    and a nice day to you too.

    ReplyDelete
  162. Just an observation. Don't get sarky, as someone else put it.

    ReplyDelete
  163. Easy Spit. I think Gibbs was getting booted about a bit last night, not sure training was to blame this time. I think 'Arry has to put up some sort of defence for Spurs being poor, and he's grasping at straws. It was a soft penalty, but they get given these days. Even so, I doubt he'll be too bothered about being knocked out, but seeing as it was Arsenal that did it, he has to try to appease the fans. We'll beat you in the League with our first XI team!

    ReplyDelete
  164. Well in that case Mr Beat, you won't be missing much when you piss off will ya?

    ReplyDelete
  165. No need to be so formal 'Noel'.

    ReplyDelete
  166. Congratulations Robbo.

    You know the blog is finally dont well when even the crazies come and insist on staying.

    Well done mate.

    ReplyDelete
  167. Noel,

    i though tit was a thoroughly enjoyable cup match and a local derby in one.

    really open game that either side could have won had they take n the chances created.

    in the end, perhaps most of the spurs werent as used to playing side by side as most of the arsenal bunch.

    wouldnt mind going out of CC at any stage really but seeing how it was against spurs, I am glad we have one more chance to get the young guns a run around.

    ReplyDelete
  168. Yeah, if Robbie and Bentley had taken their chances then it may have been different. Bentley hasn't played for ages so that's his excuse, and Robbie has been well and truely Rafa'd.

    ReplyDelete
  169. *yawns*

    Was someone with the maturity of a foetus giving it a bit of mouth slinging puerile insults a three year old would be embarrassed with here a minute ago?

    Morning everyone else.

    ReplyDelete
  170. come on guys, newzealand farmer/ELO fans are REKNOWN for their wit and footie wisdom


    or was if for shagging sheep?

    ReplyDelete
  171. Morning all.

    Gibbs has done his second metatarsal. He was good last night, he was out of his blocks straight away in the Extra Time which made the first goal possible.
    Well timed tackles on one or two occassions by Gibbs and Lansbury; infact all other defenders as well(except Eboue) were a delight to watch.

    ReplyDelete
  172. During the break, when everyone else was stretching.. Wilshere was just watching them go through the routine. At the end of 120 minutes also Wilshere looked fresh enough for another game. Brilliant. Either Wilshere is exceptionally strong or they might be doing some right things in training with him!

    ReplyDelete
  173. I reckon Deadbeat was actually Phil McNulty.

    ReplyDelete
  174. Deadbeat said...
    No need to be so formal 'Noel'.

    -------

    i think he was trying to chat you up, noel

    ReplyDelete
  175. It's possible Blog. I'm quite a catch.

    ReplyDelete
  176. Arsenal fans - I have replaced Fabregas in my fantasy team with Arshavin, so you can expect to see him also on a treatment table any day now.

    ReplyDelete
  177. I don't think he's progressed to the top level training at his club yet SS11 ...seeing how well he can control a ball while sledgehammers are hurled at his legs. (there must be some reason why so many Arsenal players get injured so often)

    Oh well, we played with a team that didn't really know each other ... and it showed.

    ReplyDelete
  178. Morning all,

    Well,4th round!!

    Can't remember doing so well in a cup for years.

    What a fantastic manager my club has.

    ReplyDelete
  179. Morning Jacks.

    Milwall is not a place to go to and lose, no matter what round or what competition. Well done.

    laterz gaterz

    ReplyDelete
  180. Noel,Arshavin has been made captain of the Cheadle Tractor Boys for this weekend.If you've cursed him I shall have to put you on the naughty step...

    ReplyDelete
  181. Sandro looked good, Star. Turn the page now.

    ReplyDelete