Monday, 6 September 2010

Wayne Rooney, Lord of the Dense



The Big Bang Theory states that at one time the Universe was just a tiny but incredibly tightly packed unit of matter. No matter how dense this initial bundle of stuff was it has been superceded in the History of All Things by Wayne Rooney.

There’s dense, there’s really dense and there’s Wayne Rooney. Here’s a man with the genius to watch the game from the stands even while he himself is on the pitch but who lacks even the smallest amount of foresight when he’s pissed up at 3 in the morning.

He’s not the first – in fact you have to remind yourself that there are still some right pussies in the England squad! I mean, some of ‘em have never been in the papers for dipping their nibs in some dodgy inkwells! The great wooftahs. What’s wrong with them? Well you only have to look at that William Hague don’t you? Footballers love to talk about their room-mates. Wink, wink.

And lets not pick on Juicy Jeni or Monica Mint! I mean these girls are making a buck from thick-headed wealthy men-children so you go Girls! But what a pair of sluts!
Sorry I’ve turned into the sort of twat who goes on the messageboards of chat-mags to offer their opinions. The dense leading the dunce.

Here’s my problem with all this... I couldn’t give a toss. I mean if Rooney can’t get on to the end of a decent Walcott cross cos he’s texting his missus then I’ll be the first to get on his back (if I can get there before a two-bit streetwalker – oh and the Theo cross was dramatic licence).

If Wazza fails to keep pace with an England counter cos of the 40 Bensons he chained last night then yes, I’m going to be at him.

If neither him nor Crouchy can get in front of their markers cos they’re lying in each other’s arms trying to work out the best text to send to their lasses – and I’d start with ‘I’m no oil painting and she was gagging for it’ – then by all means stop them playing for the national team.

But as far as these lads’ private lives are concerned, it’s up to them how they carry on. In France up until recently a man’s private life was no one’s business unless it affected his work. All right the French are a bunch of hissy-fitting prima donnas at times, and they completely overrate how good their food is - you try getting a decent curry in Paris. But I’d say letting people do whatever they want behind closed doors is fair dos and well grown-up.

When Clinton was depositing his evidence on the apparel of a young miss who completely misunderstood the meaning of the word ‘internship’, I honestly gave not a damn so long as the act happened outside the range of the Big Red Button. Monica with someone old enough to be Wazza's escort

I mean if Clegg and Cameron were caught canoodling in a Westminster bedsit it’d mean nowt to me. You can screw who you like, gentleman, just stop screwing the fucking country.

Of course, the News of the Screws is on the up right now. All this hot on the heels of the Pakistan cricketing crooks, allegedly. But that had a point to it. If blokes are making money by corrupting the way a game is played then that affects everyone’s enjoyment. If a leading footballer is ratted on by an unfeasibly well-paid whore then it’s got nowt to do with owt.

My missus and her mates are suggesting that it’s different with Wayne and Coleen cos they are this teenage love-match that’s got rich together. ‘Course she’s conveniently overlooked her husband’s looks, particularly the ones he casts in the direction of pelmet-skirted grandmothers.

I’m sure the lass is serious about hubby and if he has been doing the dirty on her when she’s carrying Shrek 2 then that doesn’t make him one of nature’s gentlemen. Although I dunno, the way he talks to the decent people that officiate the Beautiful Game has never suggested to me that he was Michael Bloody Palin exactly.

But Coleen has managed to jump-start a career off the hairy back of hubby and well, after this Littlewoods campaign it’s only a matter of time before she’s co-hosting the Brits and publishing her memoirs (working titles include ‘On The Wayne’ and ‘The Wag That Trails the Dog’).

The regulars down the Blue Bell have suggested Wazza’s a dumb pillock – true – and insisted that he must’ve known this Jeni wouldn’t have kept her mouth shut. Although I suggest Wayne pays more if the mouth is open.

Talking of which, and here’s where my point becomes a tad more serious, has this woman paid tax on this £5-6K the goal-shy forward has furnished her with? And surely if we were a bit more sensible as a nation we’d properly legalise the sort of work this young lass does so she can contribute to the exchequer on a regular basis.

I mean it’s not as big a priority as getting those braying pin-striped slatterns that parade the square mile with a Blackberry grafted on to their palms to cough up what they owe the country, but every little helps.

Anyway I look forward to Rooney continuing to play in the hole tomorrow night.
In the meantime I’m having to shower every ten minutes to get the gungy tabloid stink of this story out of me system. I couldn’t feel more soiled if I’d been sitting in a bath of pig slurry watching a triple length Jeremy Kyle. Never mind Wazza, can't someone dig up some shite on this Captain of Unacceptably Naff Television?

That and the shame of missing Chiles and Bleakley this morning. I was aiming straight at their cars as well. I'm getting that air rifle looked at I tell ya. Ahem.

452 comments:

  1. Wa-hey FIRST IM FIRST HAHAHHAHA YIPPEEE!!!

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  2. Howdy!

    Go blog, Coleen knew what he was like and only got back with him because he had money and without it she'd be doing whatever she was in Liverpool.

    Why do footballers bother with WAGS? They should just hire a cleaner and maid to do the wifey bit and then they can shag whatever they want whenever they want.

    Happy Days!!

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  3. I meant to say good blog :)

    Back to theses damn Fourier Series/Transforms. Woo...

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  4. jeremy kyle for PM! lie detectors and dna tests to solve all disputes

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  5. Well i think this story highlights the sordid underbelly of filth that is spreading across this country like a spreading underbelly of sordidness. I feel a bit sorry for his Mrs, but she will be rich and they say love is blind but i think her intention towards teh ugly boymonster were less than honest from the begining so she'll be fine, i'm sure... My biggest concern is for the whore, now celebrity big brother has finished for good where will she get to the next level of celebrity? Although i am sure we'll see her and vanessa purcell sucking off koalas in the jungle very soon... I see the daily mail are so outragded by this home wrecking hooker, they are so sickened by the pervy pictures she put on her facebook they have published everyone... daily mail readers love the guilty wank dont they??? He's a mug though aint he, its just another sad story from broken britain, another kid will grow up with out his dad, ah well at least he'l be a millionaire...

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  6. By far your best work ever - that is the blog of all blogs!

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  7. Completely agree RBA, spot on.

    Surely all this "I'm shagging yer wife/girlfriend/hooker/dog" rot could be taken down a peg if a salary cap was introduced? I mean who's gonna sleep with the big lunk if he's ONLY making 40K a year, instead of a week.

    No offence Coleen, I'm sure a lot of thought and feelings went into your decision.

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  8. Robbo, that was beyond good, it was brilliant and if a hooker from Bolton gets over a grand a night for bring pleasure and tiitilation to one bloke, well you should be er, well recompensed to say the least.

    The woman with Monica is Barbara Walters, she has a bit of a lisp so when she says her own name it comes out as if she's spitting bits of clotted cream out of her gob and sounds like like "Wawa". She's pushing 80 and has had a fair bit of work done, she'd be perfect for Wazza and Wazza and Wawa has a lovely ring to it.

    Tiger Woods allegedly escaped with a $100,000,000 pay-off in the divorce and if Elin was after him with a golf club can we assume that Colleen will be leggin' after Wazza with a fuckin big pan of scouse? A tyre wrench? A crowbar? Endless possibilities but mostly it's just a sad day for Bolton.

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  9. Robbo, that was very very funny. You will be challenging Tim Vine on the gag frequency front.

    So Wazza has (allegedly) been shagging an escort (http://www.theescortagency.net/)? I am sickened.

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  10. They also claim the lady of the night who might have wrecked his marriage - Jenny Thompson - told friends that she "romped with two defenders and performed a sex act on an international striker in the toilets of a Manchester nightclub – for a 'bargain' £75".

    -------------------

    Does this mean she is more of a midfielder? She plays off the striker but helps out the defence?

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  11. I think from now on we should all accept that footballers are morally corrupt and are not advocates of faithful marriages, they enjoy hookers and would happily jiz down thier best mates mums throat for a bit of attention...

    Now when teh next "shocking" revelation appears we wont be so shocked and can carry on with life.

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  12. looking for personal morality in football is like looking for sustenance in the centre of a doughnut.

    he can do what the hell he likes for all i care.

    but why do they get married eh?

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  13. Well like most problems blogs my man, its all womens fault, these vacuous tarts dig thier claws in to the millionaire boymen who are all as thick as pigshit and have spent all thier lifes being told what to do, then they bully them in to marriage knowing full well that the only two commands they have in thier brain are "kick ball" and "knob bird"... but do they care? No, they get a nice wedding they get to be in magazines, then they get what they all want... Half his shit!

    I want half eddie, i'm an american women now!!! (come on, i'm not the only one whose seen Eddie Murhies RAW and knows it word for word?)

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  14. Just leave the boy alone for f s, he's in his twenties and with millions to spare.

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  15. RedBlueArmy92 said...
    I think from now on we should all accept that footballers are morally corrupt and are not advocates of faithful marriages, they enjoy hookers and would happily jiz down thier best mates mums throat for a bit of attention...

    --------------------

    Is that the 3rd England star who has a court order?

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  16. this a guest blog by mariella frostrup should attract more of the fairer sex rba

    I talk about tabloid tittle-tattle. And nowt much else. If you like gossip, you'll like this. If you don't like gossip you should read it any road cos you should like gossip. What's wrong with yer?



    btw have you heard about chris charles' really really tiny penis? hung like a chippolata that fella.

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  17. There once was a wannabe wag
    Who was actually more of a slag
    Even if you looked like Yul Brynner
    She'd go down on you for a tenner
    Then sell her story to a rag

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  18. Hahaaha..Trotts, you had me in splits mate. "Its a sad day for Bolton" is your take on this whole affair?

    Agree with everyone else on this..let footy players get on with their private lives in private. Giving them this level of media attention simplify serves to glorify their deeds. No need to expose regular kids to this filth.

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  19. ive changed my mind. britain is broken and rooney broke it.

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  20. BHB - very poetic.

    RBA - Mate i used to know it word for word. That and delirious. (p.s. good blog again mate)

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  21. And there was you blaming the Red faced Knight for flogging him too hard before the World Cup....This gives real meaning to the expression shagged out.

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  22. ooh mandrake back on previous blog.....ive missed him

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  23. Ive changed my mind too, this kind of filth has no place being discussed in open forums, who wants to hear the intimate details of a young supple prostitute selling her nubile body to the highest bidder, i for one don't want to live a society where the graphic lustful acts of this dirty girl performing sexual acts in bathrooms of nighclubs is the sort of thing you have to read about, i have no interest in beautiful dirty girls who want it bad and flaunt thier hot naked bodies in papers for people to see... i for one only looked at the pictures in great detail and memorised every inch of them, because i was so disgusted that if i ever saw those images again, i'd want to know i'd seen tehm before and was disgusted the first time. This hot dirty slut and her awesome nakedness has no place in todays society

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  24. mandraxe......MANDRAXE

    Bloggy, wish you would write more mate.

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  25. Yeah blog, write more of the deleternator! Mandrake the movie, lets make it happen!

    Oh and STGP, thanks... i didn't want to mention my new blog because a) i dont like to be one of those read my shit tyoe of posters and C) Its rubbish.


    but seeing as you bought it up,

    hey you! yeah you with the face at your computer! go and read my blog its about mentalness and shit!

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  26. I'm not sure about the timing, but if he was shagging the prossie and scoring all those goals for United, SAF out to hire a doen girls for Rooney and set him up in one of the OT boardrooms, or something...

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  27. Just to be clear, i think that rooney is a sleazy little man, but only cos hes married and had a kid... and call me old fashioned but you shouldn't bang hookers if your married with a kid... but to be honest, as long as he plays footy OK i dont care, same for terry... anyone think this is some conspiracy by the redtops to sabotage the england national team, as i am sure that england players have been sleazy little men for years... why do they want us to lose so badly???

    i blame, erm.... immigrants?

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  28. "SAF out to hire a doen girls"

    That should read "SAF ought to hire a dozen girls"

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  29. to be fair i used to play better after a shag with the missus.

    Thats why i never played at a high level.

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  30. Should I re-post my comments on the topic from yesterday?

    fuck it.

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  31. Note to Wayne: If she's going to sell her fanny, she's going to sell her story.

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  32. Spit, Wayne has trouble reading. Is there a DVD or a game on the X-Box which would help?

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  33. There was this closeup of wayne's mug earlier on BBC Online.

    By God he is one ugly motha fucka.

    No wonder he can only score when some money is involved*









    *talking about his club vs. country record you filthy mind.

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  34. http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/06092010/58/serie-triestina-fills-ground-virtual-spectators.html

    This should help if Stanley Park Stadium ever gets built......

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  35. thank you kind friends for your encourageing words about the mandraxe nonesense.

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  36. stgp,

    he really is thick, innit?


    But then, how about all the ppl just mind their own freakin' job and let him bonk who ever he can afford to.

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  37. she wanted it bad but rooney could only give it to her good

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  38. stgp, re the "plastic fans",

    so you mean after plagiarising the "KOP" from Arsenal, liverpool will copy the absent fans mural at their ground too.

    bloody scousers, stealing our ideas too.

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  39. RedBlueArmy92 said...
    Just to be clear, i think ....
    i blame, erm.... immigrants?

    6 September 2010 17:07

    ---

    17.07 ????? is this a first? are they paying you over-time, rba?

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  40. i think youll also find that londinium existed before scouserodunum, spit, so they literally stole the idea for their entire city

    and why i ask myself did boudiccas chariot have no hubcaps?

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  41. spit, we have more plastic fans than anyone......i should bloody well know!

    He is a daft sod. Perhaps the clubs ban the players from wanking? Would explain why they go round knobbing anything that moves.

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  42. thats true bloggy, i remember seeing some burnt out chariots in some history book and they didnt have hubcaps..........or wheels.

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  43. http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/06092010/58/euro-2012-qual-faroes-boss-slates-italians.html

    I see Brian Kerr has moved up a level......

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  44. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u funny fucker!! one of your best blogs! its coz of stuff like this i refuse to read the crap on the bbc website...oh im defo facebooking some bits of this lol

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  45. I cant call Rooney any names for wanting to get laid while being young and rich and famous and rich.

    I am sure, I would do the same.

    But I wouldnt marry. Why bother.

    A hooker, twice a week at 1200 a night comes down to 124,800 per year.

    Damn side cost effective than his divorce and loss of revenue through lost endorsements.

    Plus, as soon as you get bored with one, order some other flavour.


    They really are thick as pig poo.

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  46. Spit, im not sure the endorsements would be there after several kiss and tells.....well unless its for Lyclear Dermal Cream.

    I do get your point about getting married. Perhaps they can only love themselves! Which takes me nicely back to my theory on wanking....

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  47. in the papers it says he met her in the 235 casino in manc..ive been there..its shite. fuck know what toilets he was gettin a bj in..

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  48. My-back-pocket said...

    in the papers it says he met her in the 235 casino in manc..ive been there..its shite. fuck know what toilets he was gettin a bj in..
    __________

    thought you were a pakistani?

    You people and your betting. When will it ever end?

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  49. rooney doesnt exist when he's not on a football pitch

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  50. Look who was first - felt like old times!!! :)
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/nickrobinson/2010/09/theyre_off.html

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  51. ScholesTheGingerPrince said...
    http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/06092010/58/euro-2012-qual-faroes-boss-slates-italians.html

    I see Brian Kerr has moved up a level......

    ------------

    never liked his brother, Juan, scholsy

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  52. Ledley King should really name his son Juan.

    Or Obi Wan.

    One or the other.

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  53. fbh - the raid on the other robbo blog was the funniest thing we ever did

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  54. Spitfire said...

    thought you were a pakistani?

    You people and your betting. When will it ever end?


    ----------------

    WOAH!! how did you know or even remember lol..im not from pakistan, been there once but my ethnic origins is pakistani, but its in our DNA we know the corruption culture from a young age lol..as for 235 casino i only went with my mate! i would watch.. :p

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  55. mbp,

    here on this blog, attention to detail is key.

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  56. also, mbp,

    wait for SS11 to turn up.

    You two have some hugging to do.

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  57. lol i think you rememberd from one of the posts i wrote tellin you all about how shit goes down in pakistan lol..i dont mean that literally lol..and who is this SS11? only half hour or so before i can eat :D cant fuckin wait for a fag..im rattling!!!!

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  58. SS11 is one of our resident indian regualrs.

    dont know if he is a fag or not but its none of our business, is it?

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  59. indian?..lol were different...why would i want to hug him? im not gay. i like women...

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  60. Blog - I also liked it when we wrote things thus:

    Can anyone
    Understand why that
    Nob head hsagged that
    Tart?

    Do you remember piegate?

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  61. Ah, the Acronym game again ... I personally still think this one's the best of all:

    Moderation overly used is a problem
    Often faced in our
    Discussions on this and others blogs
    Seldom seems to be being done to curb this
    Gratuitous cencorship, even as we discuss a matter
    Of great importancem such as
    France cheating thier way to the world cup
    Unoffencive and relevent material is erased in a frenzy of
    Censorship, i for one would have hoped the BBC would not provide the
    Kiss of death to free speech. Though i am still a
    Young man i believe
    One of our most imperitve freedoms is the
    Universal freedom of thoughts and ideas, a few
    Rebels may try and
    Spoil the but in the end the benefit to
    Everyone is reduced when you over modderate or use moderation too
    Looseley with thought of reprecussion,
    Freedom of speech is our right, and one of the principal my grandfather
    Served the british Army in WW2...


    Courtesy of the genius we know as RBA92

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  62. I loved that one Star - I miss the Mods ?? :)

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  63. piegate - isnt marx buried there?

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  64. I don't ... they had an unhealthy fascination with me FBH.

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  65. Hitler - dang that means Ive lost the argument?

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  66. Saint Rooney's honeymoon time then! All scousers are saints, are'nt they?

    @Spits/MBP - Lets clear the air. I dont think MBP is a Pakistani, nor do I have any inclination to hug them. As far as corruption, their country is rot. And my country, well not good enough to hold Commonwealth Games. Atleast we Indians will admit unlike the cheating heroes of Pakistan.

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  67. Very good post. Totally true. It really doesn't matter who's shagging who. It's totally disgusting that the News of the Screws are getting filthy rich on the back of infidelity and the Daily Mail is totally disgusting in general, this just the tip of the iceberg in terms of their social commentary crimes.

    Great stuff Robbo, you seem to hold the same political outlook as I, which, funnily enough, I like!

    Shame some posters on here are already bringing their arguments down to racism and regionalism, that's what it is by the way, however tenuous you may think it to be SS11 (apt name).

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  68. have heard that a bloke is only as faithful as his options

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  69. I have met people who are raving anti racist lefties (a bit like me) but can be so prejudiced in so many other ways - I suppose we all have our issues - and SS11 expressed a view in a reasonable way so not really sure its racist - it may be wrong it may be right - its sincere.

    FBH shut the flip up - you talking idealistic and utopian sheite

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  70. Star
    and the thick-headed mods didnt even notice

    Brilliant

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  71. FBH
    As you said earlier that was a great day when we attacked NR blog, I even had access at work at that time.

    the queue for your online typing course is growing like potsy

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  72. Have to say if this Blog was still on the Beeb you'd be reading about 3% of it.

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  73. BTW, excellent blog Robbo

    Like many, I couldnt really give a toss what anybody gets upto, esp as once again its the slimeball industry of our media who go troughing around digging dirt,

    but and this is my but,pov, they will continue to do it when mentally deficient players earning grotesque amounts of money, which clubs are prepared to pay, use their wads to jizz in somebody elses box

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  74. Robbo - you still da man!!! What do you tink of da man Strachman???? Shite eh - did ya do Mbro 10k y'day - neither did I = did last yr - 62mins -wil do next yr - hey I I move to that Landon for werk can I sleep on your settee?

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  75. Robbo - u r up tp 32 in dis world wide blog thing - I dont understand techno stuff - whats a blog? I know he supports the Vale!

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  76. What I meant by that is Robbo your new blog is doing quite well

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  77. Followingborohurts said...

    I kissed a girl - and I liked it!!!
    6 September 2010 22:24
    ________

    That girl is on her way to the News of the Warts and is trying to tell the story as how you tried to shag her but she didnt let ya.

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  78. The thing is, this whole story has probably already been discussed and settled within the Rooney household. His mother probably gave him a good cuffing and told him not to be a naughty boy!

    Rooney has also probably already discussed everything with SAF & Capello and even some of his team-mates in the England squad (I think some Man Utd players already knew what was going on). Who knows, maybe Colleen even gave him permission to go relieve himself as marital relationships can be difficult during pregnancy.

    All that was left was for the story to break in the papers and for the rest of us to find out about it. Maybe this is the reason that Rooney didn't perform well in the World Cup?

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  79. His mum gave him a good chuffing? Maybe that's why he likes older women?

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  80. Luke, An Indian speaking against Pak & its corruption is not racist by any means. It's sheer hatred and feeling of enmity that I have against them.

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  81. RedBlueArmy92 said...
    I think from now on we should all accept that footballers are morally corrupt and are not advocates of faithful marriages, they enjoy hookers and would happily jiz down thier best mates mums throat for a bit of attention...

    Now when teh next "shocking" revelation appears we wont be so shocked and can carry on with life.
    ----------------
    No better way to put it.

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  82. George Best was bangin' Miss World whilst still married to Angie, different class!

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  83. Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti has revealed England boss Fabio Capello used to claim that there was a ghost wandering freely down the hallway of AC Milan's training ground.
    _________________

    He is no right in the head, is he?

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  84. A question for H2H,

    do they build dutch forwards with potatoes?

    Everytime they seem to touch a ball in anger, they seem to break down.

    Robben, RvP and now Kyut.

    ReplyDelete
  85. SS11 said... "An Indian speaking against Pak & its corruption is not racist by any means."

    Speaking as an Indian myself, it can't be racist because you probably share the same fucking genes.

    "It's sheer hatred and feeling of enmity that I have against them."

    Anyone experiencing sheer hatred needs to see a shrink.

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  86. The Tees Mouth said...

    Have to say if this Blog was still on the Beeb you'd be reading about 3% of it.
    6 September 2010 22:08

    -----------------------------

    So in other words, the first two sentences would be fine, then you'll have one of the web editors spending the next hour tearing their hair out and stammering on about how you 'Can't say things like this in your blog.'

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  87. SS11's never met a Pakistani as he's from Bombay. Just reads the Mumbai Mirror and gets all upset because he can't work out which way Mecca is so he knows where to aim his rampant disdain ;)

    Anyway it's Rooney sharing his genes about that's got us into this whole sorry mess, and as for Wazza... hope he scores tonight. That is all.

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  88. This post has been removed by the moderators.

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  89. Ahhhh, takes you back doesn't it...

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  90. Wow, thanks Tommy - completely forgot there was a footie match on, what with all this shagging going on.

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  91. An interesting piece in yesterdays Independent by Jim Lawton.Apart from Cole,Terry,Rooney and Crouch(which we've heard about) 3 other members of the World Cup squad have taken out "super-injunctions" to prevent stories being published about them.Is it any surprise that that he wanted them on the very tightest of leashes?

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  92. Hmmm, anyone else fancy a long string of repetitive jokes hypothesising about who the england stars with the injunctions are, and what thier seedy secrets are?

    Ok i'll start...

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  93. James Milner bummed former team mate John Carews Norewegian Labradore.

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  94. Rio Ferdinand caught wanking off Gary Neville in an effort to get a drug free urine sample out of him.

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  95. Is he a mate of Ken Dodd's dad's dog? If so he's probably still in mourning.

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  96. Theo Walcott.... nah, no chance.

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  97. RBA - is that what jacks means by a 'tight leash'?

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  98. John Terry, Frank Lampard and Jose Mourinho in a three-way free for all?

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  99. Au up tommo... i knew i could trust you to get in the spirit... Noel good work sir!

    As for a tight leash, i duno? But Mourning was teh name of John Carews dog... so thats a maybe.

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  100. John Carew's dog is actually a Norwegian Labradoodle. His mum was a showpiece bitch from Crufts and his dad was a horny golden retriever who punched well above his weight. She's now on the social smoking L&B and pumping out pups like my old English teacher Mrs Edgar, whilst he's a lotto lout who spent all his biscuits on the royal kennels at Chatsworth. You can understand why he's fucked up and lets Wingy Milner ravage his wrong 'un. Just wait till the News of the World gets hold of this one.

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  101. Premiership Star knobs dog, father of 50, norwegien imigrant, living off benefits.

    just putting a daily mail spin on it.

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  102. Sounds a bit too posh for one of my neighbours jacks...

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  103. I've spoken to Sisko about the current allegations about a premiership footballer sleeping with a canine.He tells me to ignore it.It's just dog whistle politics.

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  104. Shame it weren't Heskey... as a Emille Huskey joke would be very funny.

    Ah well...

    ReplyDelete
  105. Using Spits nickname for a player we could have St Gernard with a St Bernard.

    ReplyDelete
  106. I would imagine the ladies involved are more interested in ornithology as apparently they've seen a cockatoo.

    ReplyDelete
  107. Catholic priest driving down the road when he runs over a frog - thinking that he had surely killed the frog he stops & is amazed to find the frog alive.
    "Save me" says the frog.
    So the priest takes him home to nurse it.
    Tucking the frog into bed & giving it some fly soup the frog starts to recover.
    "Read me a story" says the frog.
    As the priest does, the frog starts to fall asleep.
    As the priest tiptoes out of the room the frog wakes & says "I can't sleep without a kiss".
    The priest leans over and as he kisses the frog it turns into an 11 year old boy.

    And that m'lord is the case for the defence.

    ReplyDelete
  108. I'm sure I saw that somewhere else Ngog.

    Already reddit.

    Coat.

    ReplyDelete
  109. Joe Hart has stolen 32,000 pairs of used knickers from washing lines up and down the country, the new England keeper who is favourite to occupy the number one spot for some time to come has said, he just "likes used knickers"...

    ReplyDelete
  110. hahaha, nice one Ngog ...wonder how long that would have stayed up on the old blog ...

    ReplyDelete
  111. RedBlueArmy92 said...

    Joe Hart has stolen 32,000 pairs of used knickers from washing lines up and down the country, the new England keeper who is favourite to occupy the number one spot for some time to come has said, he just "likes used knickers"...
    ________________________________________________

    He lives in Manchester.Why doesn't he nip down to Wetherfield and have a word with Mike Baldwin?

    ReplyDelete
  112. Noone (plymouth) would've read it on the other blog Star, as it would've been moded quicker than McNulty can get his mouth round any Liverpool players male reproductive organ.

    ReplyDelete
  113. Real Madrid boss Jose Mourinho has reportedly told Bayern Munich's 26-year-old midfielder Sebastian Schweinsteiger: "Next year you belong to me." Mourinho has already brought two German World Cup stars to the Bernabeu in Sami Khedira and Mesut Ozil.
    Full story: German newspaper Bild
    ==================================

    You just can't beat Mourinho's arrogance.

    ReplyDelete
  114. blimey ... it's a good thing nothing got lost in translation there ... telling him 'Your ass is mine' would have made for a fine day for the red top trash ...

    ReplyDelete
  115. FOOTBALL:Sheffield Wednesday may go into administration unless they pay a tax bill of £1.1m.
    ================================

    Looks like the owls are going into hibernation.

    ReplyDelete
  116. TENNIS Wozniacki too good for Sharapova.
    =====================
    Well, that's a matter of opinion. They're both hot.

    ReplyDelete
  117. Bolton defender Gary Cahill's 34-minute debut appearance for England against Bulgaria last Friday means he will now cost potential buyers Manchester United, Arsenal and Tottenham £17.5m.
    Full story: Daily Mirror
    ===================

    Really? Even Trotts can't keep a straight face and agree with that story!

    ReplyDelete
  118. Anyone else think that picture of Jeremy Kyle looks like the skinny ghost from the court house in Ghostbusters 2 (the scalari brothers???)

    ReplyDelete
  119. I think the only team mad enough to pay that much lives on the other side of Manchester Ngog.

    ReplyDelete
  120. I can only remember Sigourney Weaver from Ghostbusters.

    ReplyDelete
  121. A Dana Barrat fan ay? Your not the gate keeper are you?

    ReplyDelete
  122. From McNulty's blag (sic):

    Picles91 wrote: 'Correct decision by Capello. But still believe Rooney should have pulled out himself.'
    Of whom exactly?

    ReplyDelete
  123. RedBlueArmy92 said...

    A Dana Barrat fan ay? Your not the gate keeper are you?
    ____________________________________
    No,just enjoyed looking at Sigourney.Most things tend to become mere background in her presence.

    ReplyDelete
  124. The Tees Mouth said...

    From McNulty's blag (sic):

    Picles91 wrote: 'Correct decision by Capello. But still believe Rooney should have pulled out himself.'
    Of whom exactly?
    _________________________________________
    Didn't realise Rooney was Catholic?

    ReplyDelete
  125. Remeber Wayne ranting at the england fans at the world cup? He hates it when people make an early exit after a dull performance. Pulling out just wasn't on the cards!

    ReplyDelete
  126. DAVID HAYE:"The public want to see one final high-profile destruction of Audley Harrison"

    DAVID HAYE:"I don't think Audley Harrison deserves to fight me, I don't think he's done enough in his career"
    ============================
    A couple of quotes which made me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  127. "He is a guy I groomed," added Harrison. "I have tasted his punches and power and he never hurt me in a training session.

    "This is my destiny - on 13 November Audley Harrison will be champion of the world and of that there is no doubt.

    "If David Haye thinks I've taken this fight strictly for a payday, he is in for a rude awakening."

    ______________________________
    Audley talking trash.He is hopeless.

    The other comment that made me smile was...

    "He is a guy I groomed," added Harrison.

    Internet perve as well as rubbish boxer.

    ReplyDelete
  128. mornin' Lads
    ----
    Why Did You Ngog Rafa said...
    Bolton defender Gary Cahill's 34-minute debut appearance for England against Bulgaria last Friday means he will now cost potential buyers Manchester United, Arsenal and Tottenham £17.5m.
    Full story: Daily Mirror
    ===================

    Really? Even Trotts can't keep a straight face and agree with that story!

    You're right Ngog, he was 22million before his debut. If he gets a full game tonight the price will go down to about 6m

    ReplyDelete
  129. Its true, Audley met David Haye using the same methods used by internet pervs, as a paedo will pose as a 13 year old girl to lure another 13 year old girl, Audley Harison has spent the last 15 years pretending to be a boxer...

    ReplyDelete
  130. That's more like the correct price Trotts.

    RBA & Jacks, very good lads.

    ReplyDelete
  131. I just got some new Phil Taylor DXM flights for my darts, i dont play with Taylor Darts if i had the extra cash sure i'd get some phase 5s but as it is i just got some Unicorn Barry Twomlow Latinum Heros, 95T steel tips, heavier than i am used to, i got some 26g i usally play with a 19-22g dart... anyway i these new flights were waiting for me at home at lunch, and like an excited kid i had to try them out, i hit a ton40 followed by a ton followed by another ton40... maybe the best 69p i have ever spent... just had to tell someone, my wife was pretty nonplus on it.

    Cheers...


    So then rooney, loves his prossers dont he!

    ReplyDelete
  132. "Everybody feels passionately that they want me to finally close the curtain on the joke that is the Audley Harrison show."
    ================================
    Another funny quote.

    ReplyDelete
  133. I love the Audley Harrison show otherwise known as "when idiots attack - slowly"

    ReplyDelete
  134. rba i got some pre-tty special darts too. had them years. two are bright blue and one is bright red. much shorter than the conventional dart, for greater speed and accuracy. the integral plastic shaft and flight makes for a more comfortable grip and the blunt point for health and safety reasons.

    ReplyDelete
  135. Champions League taking place as we speak.

    Only myself and RBA are interested(and after looking at the current table,I'm not sure if RBA will be that fussed either)

    ReplyDelete
  136. The Tees Mouth said...
    From McNulty's blag (sic):

    ---------

    youve been very diplomatic robbo. this is the first hint that you might share the universal bewilderment on here that phil mcbullshit is allowed anywhere near a football match, even watching it on telly

    "Footballs are roughly spherical says Phil McNulty in his latest blog."

    ReplyDelete
  137. RedBlueArmy92 said...

    I love the Audley Harrison show otherwise known as "when idiots attack - slowly"

    ___________________________________

    I preferred the second series."When idiots lie on the floor - slowly bleeding"

    ReplyDelete
  138. "Alot of peoples sayings that Audley Harrinson is too old, too slow, too tired, too predictable, too stupid and too stupid to fight David Hayeses, but what they forget to say is erm you know the good stuff"
    ========================================

    He floats like a brick and stings like a biscuit.

    ReplyDelete
  139. Hello Blogidy.

    I missed Mandrake walking past the shop.

    I did detect a smell of turps in the air.Must have been the Deleter I suppose.

    ReplyDelete
  140. he didnt walk jacks he titubated

    ReplyDelete
  141. Chesecake has a biscuit base... Just to help the debate along...

    Old wadey aint doing great is he in the CL... but i am not that partisan in the darts, i always want Wadey to win, but i am not too fusssed if he don't...

    ReplyDelete
  142. blogdignag said...
    he didnt walk jacks he titubated
    ______________

    Should have gone and seen juci jen, she does that for £500, although ashots top wannabe wag (or league2 skeet bag as shes known) clymidia claire would do the old titubating for half a kebab!

    ReplyDelete
  143. audley harrison - he's so fast he can switch the light off and be in bed a few seconds later. he's so mean he takes medicine when hes sick. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. harrison gets beaten up.

    ReplyDelete
  144. owd roger had me titubating, rba

    ReplyDelete
  145. Audley harrison is so tough, he aint even care if he pays his credit card bill on time every month, i mean he does he doesn't want to effect his credit rating, but he wouldn't sweat it if he didn't!

    mans super bad!

    ReplyDelete
  146. audleys so baaaaaaad, even though the tenency agreement on his flat stipulates no pets, that crazy mother fucker bought a cat anyways... he took it back but only cos of alergies...

    Ya heard me!?

    ReplyDelete
  147. why audley harrison once walked out of a kebab shop without payin. he so tough he got the rong change once and he dont tell the barmaid nothin!

    ReplyDelete
  148. My man harrison is so super tough, that he walks right past the grave yard on his way home, even though bare mans know it be haunted and shit... he aint caring though.

    ReplyDelete
  149. i hear tell that audley harrison he done went to his fren's house instead of he go to school!

    ReplyDelete
  150. and he done drunk his mamma's gin and she done never found out!

    ReplyDelete
  151. well now hear this. audley harrison he done got on the bus and he done buy no ticket to his true destination but he done stay on two stops longer n he shudda!

    ReplyDelete
  152. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  153. i hear tell of that times, when he tap the guy on the right shoulder and he duck down all laughing on the left side so the guy all confuse cos when he turn noone dere not even audley man cos he so lightnin quick he duck down and he duck SO quick he drop his change but da guy no notice cos he arguin with his bitch but if he hadda notice the guy would na no whatta think - ha ha audley he da man!

    ReplyDelete
  154. Audley's so mean he always buys trousers with extra deep pockets!!



    Hmmm,not sure if I've got the gist of this.

    ReplyDelete
  155. oi rba put it back! or ill remove mine in protest or solidarity or a combination of the 2

    ReplyDelete
  156. Thats auds mang, i remember this one time it was mufty day at school and you was meant to put 50p in as a donation, now auds mum give him the dollar, but he never give it in and instead he bought some chips at lunch... that guys bare loco!

    ReplyDelete
  157. Chips for lunch?

    See RBA,no matter how much you try to deny it you let slip occasionally just how middle class you are.

    ReplyDelete
  158. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  159. no you were right, rba. take it away again, man.

    ReplyDelete
  160. is chips for lunch middle class? even from greasey tonys fish bar? "Howa you loike thema chips?"

    ReplyDelete
  161. It's not the chips comment that marks you out RBA.

    Lunch,excellent knowledge of teas.We've got you made.

    Mrs RBA cut the crusts off your cucumber sandwiches Quentin?

    ReplyDelete
  162. aw no i was joking i didnt really mean for you to take it away again. that was really funny - hence the LMAO now only me and jacks have had the privilege of the Greatest Post Ever Which Has Been Deleted Twice

    go on put it back again. it deserves a bigger audience

    ReplyDelete
  163. Maybe RBA is Mandrake?

    A serial deleter?

    ReplyDelete
  164. "Mrs RBA cut the crusts off your cucumber sandwiches Quentin?"

    We have a woman who comes in twice a week and removes all the crusts from all the loaves of bread in the house...

    ReplyDelete
  165. Fair enough RBA.I withdraw my heinous slur on your character.

    ReplyDelete
  166. nah its gone, and i'm too shy to rewrite it. although it was unusualy brilliant, swiftian like wit the calibre of which is seldom seen even on these hallowed walls of comunicae.

    Ans you think i'm middle class... pish!

    ReplyDelete
  167. i have chips for lunch and i also like an Special Brew aperitif accompanying a smorgasbord of crisps and pies

    ReplyDelete
  168. one more thing, is the phrase "lunch" really middle class? Do northerners just call every meal "tea"... at school what did you call the break at mid-day where you ate wippet sandwiches out of flat caps and said "bee-eck" alot? (i have never been north of Camberly, so i may be a little off the mark?)

    ReplyDelete
  169. RedBlueArmy92 said...
    "Mrs RBA cut the crusts off your cucumber sandwiches Quentin?"

    We have a woman who comes in twice a week and removes all the crusts from all the loaves of bread in the house...

    ------

    we've got a rat who lives behind the fridge who does the same, rba

    ReplyDelete
  170. Have Wright's yet to come up with a salt and vinegar pie?

    Their burger pie shows they can think of new and exciting marketing.

    ReplyDelete
  171. Put it back up please, I missed it.

    O yeah, hi you lot.

    ReplyDelete
  172. get you prince blogdignag... i eat rocks and shit off the floor, well i would do if we had a floor or rocks or shit, we had to sell them to pay the provy loan me grandad got in 1942.

    ReplyDelete
  173. I get called posh for using the phrase "lunch" to describe one's midday meal.

    But then I do live in North Staffordshire.

    ReplyDelete
  174. what you posh southerners call "breakfast" we called "hunger" and dinner is when youve killed a rat with your teeth

    ReplyDelete
  175. ive got it, H2. you can have it back but itll cost ya.

    ReplyDelete
  176. Lunch is wot it is, innit.

    It's when the word brunch becomes part of your vocabulary that you have to worry.

    I got outta bed really late today, I wonder what I'll have for brinner?

    ReplyDelete
  177. wrights rock and shit pie eaten at lunch with chips. class.

    ReplyDelete
  178. Wirghts Squeezy Peas pies are still my favourites, great for me elevenses...

    ReplyDelete
  179. cheesey peas are easy peezey. yes please!

    ReplyDelete
  180. there you are H. ive put your photo back.

    ReplyDelete
  181. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  182. (half heartedly)

    go engla..

    Go England U-21s vs Lithuania!

    its at col us ground and i cant go cos as you can see im at work hee hee hee. 13 mins to ko

    ReplyDelete
  183. Spitfire said...
    A question for H2H,

    do they build dutch forwards with potatoes?

    Everytime they seem to touch a ball in anger, they seem to break down.

    Robben, RvP and now Kyut.
    -----
    I'm not sure mate, but I do know that v.d Vaart has joined the Spuds. Coincidence?

    ReplyDelete
  184. Sunderland's forgotten striker David Healy wants a loan switch to the ­Championship so he can taste first-team ­football again.
    Full story: Daily Mirror
    ----
    David who?

    ReplyDelete