Well bugger me if Roy Hodgson hasn't managed to keep hold of Torres n all. It's a shock. My sources were certain he was on his way. Then again my sources aren't exactly social networkers - one lives with his infirm Mum and the other lives somewhere between a Blue Bell bar stool and the Blue Bell floor.
I thought we'd seen the back of him
My first thought on hearing the news was 'Bloody hell, he must be worried about the injury'. My second thought was 'Bloody hell, they have got a buyer' otherwise they'd be flogging the Spaniard for whatever they could get for him. My third thought was 'Never mind that how come Aidan McGeady isn't going to Boro? He's Scottish isn't he?'
I'm surprised figures of 40 million were being bandied around for a lad who bought his hamstrings from the same pound shop as Michael Owen. Rafa spent most of his last two seasons at Anfield batting back questions as to when Torres would return after his latest sicky.
But he's back in training, no doubt with club physios surrounding his like the roll-cage of a top-of-the-range Volvo, and he'll be giving his all for the club and the fans. Well I hope he stays fit cos he's a joy to behold in full flow but if we see the World Cup Torres then we'll have a fella with the touch and technique of a bull elephant with its legs in plaster.
It all means that this Kenny Huang bloke looks very likely to be relieving Gillett and Hicks of their irresponsibilities.
There's pics a plenty of Hillocks and Gitt holding up scarves looking like two dopy rich kids with a new train set. And just like two kids Hex and Tourette've done their best to drive the Good Train Liverpool off the rails, shedding loads of points in the process.
It's hard to believe Huang could be worse. But his track record suggests that he's not in it for the glory anymore than Blix and Burette were. The bottom line is cash. He does look the most likely candidate, mind. Not least cos Liverpool were after Luke Fu Yung.
In fact Liverpool FC have a long connection with the Far East. Just think of Graeme Sweet n Sourness, Teriyaki McDermott, John Arne Riise, Crispy Durck Kuyt. 20 million was a dim sum to pay for Robbie Keane. And let's face it you couldn't get a more Chinese name than Sammy Lee.
I hear that Huang's hit list includes Frank Spare Ribery and Wok-A Santa Cruz.
(That's enough now. I won't mention the talk of luring Eric Cantonese out of retirement.)
Of course all these hilarious puns are an attempt to laugh off the possibility that Liverpool FC, with an injection of cash, a sensible manager, and the retention of good players, might be able to do a lot better this year. I think they will.
It is fun when they don't though isn't it?
Meanwhile the unspeakably wealthy Manchester City continue to be linked with anyone who can do up his own shoelaces (so not many of the current England squad then). Salomon Kalou has warned Manchester City that cash cannot buy them the title - another indication of just how short a memory your average Chelsea player has.
It was your lot, Hassungotta, who started it. This vogue for blindfolded billionaires sticking a pin into a Premier League table and than splashing through the shallow waters of football's soul in order to pick up a floating near-carcass of a club and breathe new life into its gagging nostrils all began in West London. All roads lead back to Roman.
So no, Chelsea players need to stuff a gold-threaded silken hanky into their witless gobs before commenting upon what cash can get you. Although given Kalou has never get on the end of a decent cross it's hard to expect him to get on the right end of a good argument.
If he's anything to go by cash can buy you a shit haircut that makes you look like you've been run over by a motorbike.
And maybe it helps in other directions n all...
I suppose it's good for your average successful footballer to have this goldfish-like recall. It means they can go on winning the same trophy year after year and still find it a surprise.
I'm laying off the predictions till next week now, mainly cos we've got the unholy thrill of watching the Community Shield this weekend. Whoop-di-doo! Another tame 0-0 and a pen shoot-out from some tanned podgers.
There hasn't been a decent Charity Shield since Keegan And Bremner battered the flak out of each other in 1974. If only Glitch and Colette could work out their differences in the same way there'd be some guaranteed entertainment in the red half of Merseyside this year.