Tuesday 7 April 2015

Up The Boro, Down the Boro

First to fourth. Like an over-optimistic British Olympian it's hard not to escape the feeling that we've forgotten to dip on the line. I'm not saying Boro's performances were pedestrian against Watford and Bournemouth. It was more like they were sponsored by Zimmer frames.

However, however, however. It's been a while since my nerves were this close to a cheese grater on a daily basis and while days like yesterday left me looking as cheery as a London commuter on a sweatbox train from Orpington (that's late, cramped, owned by a European State-funded train company and earning them a fortune), I am not complaining.

You can't help thinking that Bournemouth turned a massive corner, and as they have been the Championship entertainers this season they throughly deserve anything they get, and that second place will be Norwich's unless our lads turn em over a week on Friday. In which case the play-offs beckon, by which time I'll have moved on to pulling out my toenails for a bit of light relief.

But this has been a potty league, with more turn-ups than a 1970's jeans factory, so I'm ruling nowt out and nowt in. Much like a major political party's election manifesto.

Whatever happens, it'll be a damn sight more exciting than the league we're all fighting to get into. At least at the top. Chelsea are destined to win it, despite miracles from Charlie Adam. If Adam was sipping an ale at a bar I'd move to another bar. It's good to see him leave his mark on the game rather than an opponent's shin. But it didn't stop Chelsea from winning.

And what sort of champions are they going to be? I'll remember simulating central defenders, diddums ref-baiting, neurotic conspiracy theories and Diego Costa somehow staying on the park when all about him are getting their marching orders.

There has been one jewel, mind you. Eden Hazard. In English the name reads like a nickname for the serpent that tempted Eve, but he's got way more going for him than that. As and when his team lift the title, he's the main reason. While Costa's been dogged by niggles and nastiness, and Cesc once again bloomed and faded like cherry blossom, Hazard has been consistently the most dangerous attacking player in the competition.

He'd be my choice for Player of the Year. But I dunno, this season seems to have featured more reliance on outstanding individuals than any one previous to it. For Hazard at Chelsea, read Sanchez at Arsenal, De Gea at Man U, Kane at Spurs, absolutely no one at Man City, and in retrospect Suarez at Liverpool.

Of those De Gea deserves some sort of Purple Heart for bravery as he's played in front of the brittlest defence imaginable. I've seen Cadbury's Flakes with more spine. Indeed the current league position of Manchester United is one of the great mysteries of the season.

Van Gaal, who resembles more and more a man built entirely from molten rock - if he was in a superhero comic he'd be called Lava Man - has somehow happened across a team that looks quite good. The benefit of having a deep but injury-plagued squad is that eventually you hit on a formula that works.

Moyes must be thudding his head against a door rather like I was yesterday lunchtime when he hears that Marouane Fellaini is currently irreplaceable at the Theatre of Dreams. Juan Mata is playing brilliantly but wouldn't have started had Di Maria not got himself sent off. Van Persie's absence has led to Rooney playing up top again rather than like a kind of Paul Scholes Lite. It's all looking lovely for Louis.

And all the while the likes of Jones, Smalling and Rojo take it in turns to play the Three Stooges at the back, they still win matches. I tell you the Lava Man must have control of some dark forces. I wouldn't be surprised if the Hadron Collider discovers the Van Gaal Particle in the next six months.

Liverpool's season is in danger of imminent collapse. The sight of a 20-year-old turning down a 100 grand a week has never sat well with the great British Football Fan and whoever told Raheem Sterling to go on telly and tell the world that he just wanted to concentrate on his football needs a good slap. I'm happy to oblige if we can find the bloke. If the boy meant what he said he'd be on the training pitch not chatting to the Beeb in a sly manner.

After a brief period of stability Rodgers is rocking again but he's only got himself to blame. It was Brendan's idea to buy Balotelli, which is the managerial equivalent of trying to climb a hill while tied to a whale. Mario has never been anything less than a drain on resources and Rodgers was a fool to sign him.

The bottom of the table, where I still hope to find Boro this time next year, is a scrap of epic proportions. Leicester won't escape, but everyone else lives in hope. I fear for Hull, but then I always have. Of the others, well it's a toss-up but no one would be that sad to see perennial wallowers in former glory Aston Villa to take the long plummet. Chances are Burnley will save them.

But none of that is particularly important. What matters is Rotherham at home on Saturday. C'mon you Millers, you're as good as safe. Take the weekend off!





34 comments:

  1. Nice one, Robbo. I thought that Watford result might elicit a blog. We're here for you. :), lol, bff, yolo, and other acronyms/emoticons of vague support.

    Perhaps they can recycle the Moyes banner next year at Old Trafford. They can cross out The Chosen One and write The Architect, and add a thought balloon with Fellaini and Mata's mugs in it. That'll make him feel better!

    Balotelli was always going to be a gamble, I would guess that Rodgers got a little giddy on his reputation of handling a difficult player (i.e., Suarez) and thought he'd have a go. Lost sight of the fact that whereas Suarez is quite focused on football, Mario just isn't.

    Best of luck to the Boro - hope to see them in the PL next year!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Moo²

    Guernsey Cow(s)

    ReplyDelete
  3. We haven't won it yet rob, was just a few days ago you jinxed it for your team, don't come do that for Chelsea now. And lets see you survive in the prem without bamford.

    ReplyDelete
  4. And who's to say that wanker wenger isn't gonna win it in the end?
    Yokohama

    ReplyDelete
  5. Keep churning them out Robbo! Guess the title is chelsea's this season....next season should be interesting with boro in the PL as well.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Good stuff Robbo, I for one hope you've put a magic hex of destruction on Stamford Bridge and the blue team. Disgraceful brand of football. I'd rather watch chess.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd rather watch Chess, the musical, than what they play at Stamford Bridge.

      Makes a hard man humble...

      Delete
    2. yes, definitely Chess, or Wicked

      Delete
  7. Dammit, I'm starting to think I should hope Liverpool play bad enough from here on to not make the finals of the FA cup (which will probably happen tomorrow) and finish 7th or below, so as to not have to play Europa next season. I will defer on that for now, as I still live in hope that a miracle or two (or three or four) will see us nick 4th spot from one of the Mancs.

    And yes, Sterling's an idiot. i'd like to say he's ill advised, but he's 21 now. I was responsible for making sensible decisions sans advisers when I was 17.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I suspect we've run out of steam and will miss out on the play off places.Bournemouth should win it,as they've noone (is he still knocking around?) left to play that has anything to play for.Probably Norwich for 2nd.Wolves seem to be the form team that will sneak into the play off places and go up,but I'd prefer Brentford to go up.

    As for PL,top 4 to finish as they are,Hull,QPR and Leicester to go down.

    According to The Times yesterday,Real Madrid are monitoring Sterling.So I don't think it will matter to much what contract they offer him as he'll be giving Liverpool the Spanish Archer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. they've always been active in the currency market

      Delete
  9. I'm still hoping for the 3 B's to go up (Bournemouth, Boro, Brentford) but I think Watford have hit form at just the right time (think Boro, Norwich will be a draw) and Wolves are the team on a run so will likely be them or Norwich winning the playoffs.

    I think Bamford will still be at Boro on another loan next season as he is unlikely to get much in the way of chances at Stamford Bridge next season and it will give Chelsea a chance to see if the lad can cut it in teh Premier League

    ReplyDelete
  10. http://www.elevenmagazine.co.uk/

    My mate's lad has launched this new on-line magazine. I'll be lobbying for an invitation for RR to do a (highly lucrative) guest piece. The app is available for the price of a pie at a London Premier league ground.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What £200? - Emirates Pies come with their own celebrity these days

      Delete
  11. Gabon, which is a planet on the edge of the solar system according to the Robbo podcast (and when are we going to get another one of THEM, I wonder?) is hosting the 2017 African Cup of Nations. Yes, I have listened to the podcasts enough times to remember even the minor jokes. Sigh.

    As we wait for another podcast, though, we can enjoy this:
    https://soundcloud.com/robbo-robson/if-im-happy-i-blame-you

    Robbo the troubadour. No joke, and nice tune!

    ReplyDelete
  12. The rise of Bournemouth from nowhere (92nd in the league in 2008) under Eddie Howe and the shady Russian bond villain maxim demin, who sounds like a dyslexic brand of jeans, is a most amazing story. I can find nothing about this Russian guy except his hot wife who speaks almost no English sometimes gives the half time team 'talk'. How you do this with no English I don't know, perhaps she fluffs them up instead. Seems to work. Demin, one vowel away from demon, is quite possibly the devil himself. If Labour get in (please, god) all the satanic oligarchs will lose non-dom status which will return them to Hades where they belong, Chelsea and man city to mid table mediocrity where they also belong and Bournemouth back to being better known for sleepy retirement homes. Fuck knows what the prem clubs are going to react to paying in a getting with a 12000 capacity. not that I'm jealous or anything but when is one of these rich cunts going to buy port vale? Norman smurthwaite complains about sinking two million of his own money but it's not enough, Norm, sell your soul at the Burslem traffic lights, buy Messi and thenyou can moan as vale lift the European cup and you disappear into the fires of hell. No justice in this world.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can't be a blog with blogs.

      Delete
    2. Shouldn't that be without Blogs?

      Sincerely, the Evil Half of Stephott

      Delete
  13. Can't wait for Bournemouth to go up. Get Brentford to join them and have Burnley & QPR to stay up and you'll have at least 4 closed in stadiums to play at and lose points

    ReplyDelete
  14. the Prem should be reorganised with only teams beginning with "B" allowed in. Mancs can get in under the pseudonym "Bollox"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Baggies too!!

      Delete
    2. At 4.55 on a Saturday afternoon I usually say Bloody Ipswich.Does that count?

      Delete
    3. Don't forget Bort Bale.

      (but oi don't like the sound of them there boncentration bamps)

      Delete
    4. Jawohl, mein Fuh-er, mein Dickie Old Chum...

      Delete
    5. Blues or Bridge, your pick...
      Captain Yokohama

      Delete
  15. Don't bother looking for that,let alone chasing it.That's gone straight into the confectionery stall and out again.

    Very sad news about Richie Benaud.A wonderful cricketer and a top class commentator.

    Perhaps the current footballing lot might like to take his advice,of only speaking when it adds to the tv pictures.

    ReplyDelete
  16. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Take 2

    Yes RIP Richie. When I was a kid on a council estate and I could still watch cricket on tv and the summers lasted forever and were over too soon he was like a Martian who had learnt to speak my language in a strangely authoritative way measured laconic and precise not like the prattle these fucking half wits impose on me when I'm watching football, it's like crowd noise

    I remember the bewilderment of a superior being who played cricket when even astronauts wouldn't bother with helmets and someone called Ted would score 250 in the rain...WHAT EES GOING ON OIUT THEER? Probably my favorite was an intro I think from one of the packer tours that my mate had on tape. The camera pans across the captains mad looking malevolent faces up to the face of Joel Garner? tossing the cricket ball he's about to kill someone with then pan down low to the cherubic grin of kim Hughes as Richie intones The Windies, the Packies, aaaall against the ozzies. We played that clip over and over and we used to piss ourselves. And that is the sum total of my memories of Richie benaud. Apparently he could bowl a bit n'all, back in the day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Richie Bendover10 April 2015 at 13:12

      What the fuckity?

      It's a cricketing farce with a sickening plot.

      Delete
  18. Dammit, looks like the damn Mancs are back. just saw highlights of the derby and they were pretty darn good (the Mata goal was as fluent football as we've seen in the PL so far). Given more time to gel, and an apparent unlimited cache to spend in the summer, I might have to switch to watching nothing but MLS next season.

    ReplyDelete

Powered By Blogger