Monday, 20 April 2015

A Keeper's Lot Is Not A Happy One

Ah goalkeepers. Like licking the socket on the kettle, stroking wasps and walking in on your parents at midnight, most of us learn from a very early age that it's not for us. Fly goalies is just a way of making sure you're not stuck there all bloody afternoon while your mates are doing their best David Mills and Alan Foggon impressions.

But there's always someone who finds it rewarding. In my experience, this person is (a) a mouthy great lummox who can jump off the science block without flinching and carries an air rifle with him at all times; or (b) an oppressed loner with an interest in military history, playing the saxophone and keeping reptiles as pets. Neither of them are run of the mill. 

A good keeper will snort when you show the bruises beneath your shinpads. He (or she I better say now we're all taking lasses' football seriously) will not have a clue how to dress himself. He will think he knows all about football when he knows more about nuclear fission (witness Schmeichel's punditry or Bryan Gunn's management). He will have Saturday's dirt under his fingernails come Wednesday night. And apart from the last bit, he wouldn't be me. 

For which all of us outfield fancy dans are eternally grateful. And for those of us that choose not to get kneed in the head by every Cockney rhymer's favourite player Stephen Hunt, or indulge in over ambitious step-overs when confronted by a pacy forward, let me say here and now we have nothing but sympathy. Coupled with a complete lack of comprehension. 

In the case of Mr Federici, I'm all heart. After a very decent performance the ball slid out between his legs like a fourteenth child. It barely touched the sides. To say I felt sick for the lad is an understatement, like suggesting the thoughts of Katie Hopkins are somewhat distasteful. (It's a long time since capital punishment was - rightly - eliminated from this country but there's always the exception that proves the rule and crucifixion's too good for her. She is a shadow on the lung of our body politic).

Federici left the field in tears having left enough of them out there to have watered Wembley for a lifetime. (Although not quite as much as Chelsea use before playing a slick passing team at Stamford Bridge). I don't blame him. If it was me I'd have been a huddled wreck cowering in my own net for the rest of the season. 

I hope he's got to sleep by now, but somehow I doubt it. 

Those of us watching the frenzy at the top of the Championship can tell you all about sleepless nights mind you. 45 minutes into Saturday's fixtures Boro were top after our gritty win at Carrow Road. Another half later and we're 3rd again. It's torture, I tell you. Then again I could be a goalkeeper. Or a Newcastle fan. 

It seems Ashley's pigeons are coming home to roost. Anyone who thinks Fat Mike gives a shit about anyone but himself has never bought a pair of jiggly bottoms from Sports Direct. Newcastle are those joggy bottoms: misshapen, uncared for and lacking any style whatsoever. John Carver steers the good ship Gallowgate like he's got his braces caught in the steering wheel. It's a terrible terrible joke and even I can't laugh any more. 

There's a bit at the end of Animal Farm where the pigs are eating with the humans and you can't tell them apart. That's Mike Ashley, that is. We've known for decades that English football clubs are rich men's playthings but at least Abramovich looks after his toys - for now. Ashley shoves his in a box, hides it in the attic and occasionally brings it down to give it a bit of a kicking. 

It's a bit like seeing the woman you love shacking up with a fella who doesn't even remember why he moved in in the first place. Ashley's the Katie Hopkins of Football ownership and he needs to be forcibly moved on. It'll take one mighty forklift but the sooner he's south of Watford Gap (that gap being 1 point currently - see Championship table) the better for all of us. 



54 comments:

  1. In Ashley's defence, he did try and sell the club but no one was buying. IMO, newcastle fans don't know what they got till it's gone! When a consortium fronted by some ex-Nexcastle footballer takes over the club and things go sideways and they find themselves in the championship reviving the tyne-tees derby, only then will the glory that is Fat Mike be truly missed. At least they get to bring in fresh players every season, at least they have no debt, at least they get to look up not behind them every season, coz ashley not afraid to spend, at least they stay in the damn PL every season. Must admit tho, the Carver appointment was completely SHIT!

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  2. It's difficult to think of goalkeepers as footballers or athletes. They're actually neither! All they have to do is stop the ball from hitting the back of the net. There's the finger tip save or toe line clearance, the acrobatics, effective positioning etc. Guess it really is a specialist position that warrants no real praise. Courtois, de Gea, Hart, Cech, Schmiechel, Kahn, Casillas, Neuer, SCHMUCKS, the lot of them.

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  3. I'm trying not to comment on The Championship,as I don't want to jinx anything. (magnificent point away at Wolves)

    As for the Reading keeper,I suspect a couple of people on here won't have too much sympathy.

    Gerrard however.......

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    1. Eddie How? As in Howe the fuck has he managed that?

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  4. I would imagine more people will have more sympathy for the Reading keeper than the 'get Gerraaaaaaaaaard to Wemberleeeeeee' campaign that fell of the rails to the delight of many apart from only the Pool fans - do any non Pool fans actually care ????

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  5. I am a born and bred Pool fan, and I don't care about the Gerrard thing. The only thing that would have been a good send off was the PL last season. It's not like he hasn't won the FA Cup.

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  6. Keepers were always the fat lad who couldn't 🏃 or the weird kid no one liked. How cruel that Peter schmeical (no idea how you spell it) decided to name his son after the star of Kes who got shoved in goal as a punishment by Brian Glover who wanted to imagine he played for man🚹United but wasn't good enough. The lad must be a mess psychologically

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  7. Cheers Robbo.

    Even as a die hard Arsenal fan I felt sorry for Federici, didn't stop me celebrating though. He had had a bit of luck just beforehand when a Ramsey shot ricocheted off him and just ceared the bar, it really could of went anywhere, so I guess he used up all his luck with that one. On the subject of howlers, you forgot to mention that Szezesny let in a pretty feeble one too.

    Arsenal didn't play their best game of the season and I think Wenger seriously under estimated Reading. Changing 3 of your back five, including playing a RB who has just returned from injury without proper back up on the bench was a wierd choice to say the least. Reading gave a good account of themselves and played well, athough if you listened to the pundits (and commentry) on the beeb you'd think they were robbed.

    I watched Linekear and co live and viewed later the recorded from Foxsports (NL) version, it was literaly like watching two different games. The plucky underdog bit was done to death almost to the point of it being completly patronising to the team from the Championship. "Reading will be pleased with this" was carted out within the first 90 seconds and repeated throughout the first half until they went behind. At HT we were treated to the opinions of multiple F.A Cup winners, Jason Roberts and Alan Shearer, yawn. The Beeb really must do better. (Not holding my breath though.)

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  8. Great Blog, Robbo. Speaking as a former goalkeeper (hockey) - I feel for Federici having made many similar howlers in my time. Thought Villa deserved to win, ok Balotelli was not offside but Villa seemed to be able to slice through them as if they were Blackpool, not Liverpool and extra time would have been a travesty.

    Spider

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    1. If Balotelli had scored, he would've had the (probably) unique distinction of scoring in all 5 competitions we've been in this season, but exactly once per competition.

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    2. Rudyard Kipling. Exceedingly fine hypothetical conjunctions.

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  9. Good stuff Robbo, I wish we had a striker as prolific as your blog. Goals six days apart, the stuff of dreams.

    I'll keep the candle lit as long as there's a mathematical that Newcastle can get relegated.

    I don't understand the fuss nor the search for explanations over on the BBC about LFC. They rightly got shut of el nibbler and Sturridge has been crocked most of the season. Stevie G's head is in LaLa land. Shit happens. Move on......

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  10. The hand-wringing about Liverpool this year is exactly what happened with Manchester United last year. Both clubs have large international followings, so devoting airtime/column inches/website articles to "analysis" of them is like shooting fish in a barrel by the skin of your teeth without a paddle - you're going to get more hits, sell more papers, get more viewers.

    Whereas us Robbo readers love bantering with others about our respective clubs, and who amongst us hasn't checked out Middlesbrough, Watford, and Bournemouth's remaining games and reckoned up the chances of Boro getting automatic promotion? (Not going to jinx anything with a predo)

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    1. Completely agree with this 'should Rodgers go?' debate. Every one of the numpty pundits will be moaning about managers not being given enough time next week. But half of them are suggesting Bren's time might be up. Shut up the lot of you.

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  11. I'm jinxing nowt when I suggest that Sheffield Wednesday - bane of the top tes this year - might have one last laugh at Watford. Got everything crossed for summit like that. It's such a lovely town is Sheffield

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    1. They helped us out by beating Brentford last week Del Boy,so you never know.

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    2. it's all gonna be ok Robbo, B'mouth have the mighty Trotters at home on Monday.

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  12. No worries for Liverpool.

    It will be theirs next year.

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  13. Agree on the Rogers baiting.

    Last year he was the second coming.

    At the begining of the season he was clueless, after Christmas his team went on a great run and he was the man again, two or three losses later and he's out of his depth.

    Yawn.

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    1. He was the second coming as they came second. This year my sixth sense tells me...they're missing their only former world class player.

      6th

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    2. yeah, the second coming of King Kenny was the second coming too. Bring back Rafa!

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    3. They have to pick on Rogers because Wenger is untouchable for the rest of the season (until Villa win the FA Cup - then it's open season again!). Win 2 games in a row and you're a genius, lose 2 in a row and you're a schmuck. "Vox Populii, Vox Humbug" (General Sherman)

      Spider

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  14. No praise for Chilavert? At least Ceni... Higuita was rather nutty, too. Seems the South Americans aren't afraid of having fun back there.

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  15. Chilavert, Ceni, Higuita.........sounds like Latin penii to me

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  16. Ollie: Didn’t you once tell me that you had an uncle?
    Stan: Sure, I’ve got an uncle. Why?
    Ollie: Now we’re getting somewhere. Is he living?
    Stan: No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.
    Ollie: Was he building a house?
    Stan: No, they were hanging him.

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  17. Lola: Tell me about my dear, dear Daddy; is it true that he's dead?
    Stan: Well, we hope he is, they buried him.

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  18. Ah the wonderful Stan And Ollie,finest bit of dancing on screen ever.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rf7V2gFNoTQ

    Always nice to see a gurning James Finlayson as well Blogidy.

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  19. I once knocked one out during Lady Be Good.
    Emotional moment!

    Spider

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  20. Yet another footballer up on a sex offence. Adam Johnson who plays for Sunderland charged with having sex with a minor... what's wrong with these fuckers, can't they find a female over the age of consent.

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  21. The title of this blog rings true for the Boro tonight.

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    1. aye, it's tough at the top. or near the top especially. A point will appear priceless when the Trotters stuff Bournemouth on Monday.

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  22. Fingers crossed that Colchester United get relegated.

    D'oooooh.

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  23. Jacks...front page article about Marcus Evans in the local rag saying he's nearly a billionaire now and has promised to finance a spending spree at Ipswich whadddaayooo mean hard boiled eggs and nuts?

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    1. He gave K***e and Jewell all the money they wanted and look where that got us.Austerity Mick has (hopefully) got us into the playoffs on money found down the back of the sofa.If we do go up,it'll be interesting to see Messi at Portman Road.

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    2. In a pre-season friendly,obviously.

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  24. Great result at Goodison Park. No if we can do a similar job on Chelsea it will be a memorable Sunday.

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    1. An a memorably exciting four-penalty match it was.

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    2. A boring one, I suppose

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  25. Guardiola vs Mourinho.. that's what I want to see..

    Great blog btw.

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  26. A point away at Blackburn required to guarantee us a playoff place.

    Where we will meet either Norwich or Boro.

    Hmmmm.

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  27. IF the Trotters get a win v Bournemouth today AND the Boro manage to go up automatically, what should Robbo give or do for our Trotts as a gesture of appreciation?

    I'm thinking let Trotts do a guest blog.

    (Care to reiterate your "Oh fuck" statement, Mr. Robson?)

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    1. 2-0 at halftime to bournemouth. looks like trotts isn't getting his blog anytime soon. On the other side, hopefully blogs isnt getting the trots anytime soon either.

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    2. As Miss Emily Litella/Gilda Radner once said...never mind!

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