Wednesday 14 October 2015

England Expects (Very Little)

10 out of 10. England completed the job in Vilnius on Monday night with a comfortable win against a bunch of Nordic looking types who you've never heard of. It might well be that the Lithuanians weren't entirely au fait with the England team either. Danny who? Delli what?

Jamie Carragher says it's never been easier to get in the England team. He's right. Hodgson says 'It's not a situation where, the moment you kick the ball correctly from A to B, you'll get in the England team', True enough. Phil Jones can't even do that.

Incidentally how long will it be before we stop giving Jones the benefit of the doubt cos of his injuries and the fact that he hasn't nailed down his position and start accepting that he's a bit shit? Sometimes versatility simply means not much good anywhere.

But Carragher's point still holds. 32% of first choice players in the Premier League are English. If you get that far you're almost bound to get a kick in an England shirt. Witness Delli Alli. The lad looks elegant enough on the ball and is what we used to call 'one for the future'. But the future arrives much more quickly these days.

Now I'm not having an unnecessary pop at Woy. There are good reasons to blood youngsters as soon as possible and in this regard he's done well. But thirty-odd (occasionally very odd) players in this qualification and that's hardly indicative of a coherent long-term strategy. Indeed it's very reminiscent of Stuart Lancaster's build-up to the recent calamity in Toff Sport.

If you were looking at a 23 for next summer there are a few defenders I'd rule out instantly: Jones (he'll be injured anyway), Shaw (he is injured), Gibbs (he might as well be injured), Walker (I lost a stone in sweat every time he had the ball).

And I don't see the likes of Lambert, Ings or Vardy - that speeding skeleton of flinty knees and elbows - being there in France either. Other than Rooney up top somewhere - you'd prefer Kane but that ain't going to happen - and Hart in goal it's still all up for grabs.

All of which tells you that we don't have that great a squad when all's said and done. If you think a 100% record in our group is tantamount to putting us on the brink of major tournament glory then you're blinking potty. As preparation it's no better than a brave knight getting ready for the task of dragon-slaying by cuffing kittens with a peacock's feather.

Me I'd be pushing for the inventive Barkley to be starting - yes he's creative when it comes to losing the ball too but hey-ho we'll just slaughter him when does it at a really bad time. And isn't it great to have a lad who doesn't just use one foot for balance?

My first team'd look summat like this:

Hart, Clyne, Stones, Smalling, Shaw (Bertrand), Wilshere, Henderson, Barkley, Sterling, Rooney, Sturridge.

The squad: Butland, Forster, Chambers, Cahill, Jagielka, Bertrand (Baines), Carrick, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Walcott, Welbeck, Kane. And Milner. Good old James. As English as a faltering Cup campaign.

Wilshere if he's fit should play. Which is as reliable as selecting a narcoleptic on the off-chance he's awake. And Sturridge too, if he's well. Which is as reliable as selecting Sepp Blatter to carry out a financial review - something I think he was until very recently pushing himself forward for.

I suppose I should have something to add to the troubles at FIFA. But the fact that they are all (seemingly) such terrible crooks that yet another (alleged) crook is in temporary charge means that it's all utterly laughable. These men have been on the make for decades? Really? It's like when that Sam Smith - the lad that sings like a ball of phlegm is stuck under his palette - told us he was gay. We all just raised an eyebrow, put a camp hand to our chest and murmured 'No!'

But the Euros have thrown up some heart-warming tales: Van Persie's divine own goal depriving the Dutch; Iceland's greatest success since Bjork; and of course Wales and Norn Ireland. And Scotland - don't forget Scotland - oh yes do forget them, of course. Ahem.

Now I'm not playing down the success of the constituent parts of the United Kingdom but - of course we all qualified! There's 24 teams in this monster tournament next summer! There were eight more places up for grabs and we bagged 'em. If it was only 16, Wales would be scrapping it out with somewhere scary like Albania.

(I'm sure if UEFA have their way, there'll be Europa League for them that finish fourth, fifth and sixth in each group which will last nine months and take in every Godforsaken square inch of the continent before arriving for a Kiev kickabout in the middle of August.)

Here's the thing, though. If Wales keep their best players fit they're going to do better than England in France. Now that might not mean they get through the group stage either but they'll make a better fist of not doing so.

If that seems a little pessimistic on England's chances, trust me. We've been there. We've done that. We've burnt the t-shirts.






41 comments:

  1. on 2nd thoughts, Lallana. I'd probably pick him and not erm, Carrick.

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  2. eh up, good stuff Robbo. Spectacular speculation for the armchair spectator!

    You'll be thrilled, undoubtedly, that Big Sam is back!

    Please explain what the paragraph beginning with "Good to see we are….." means. I can't start the last five paragraphs without that!

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    1. Great blog, RR - FIFA has gone through the looking glass, ate the magic mushrooms, shot Tweedledee (Blatter) and Tweedledum (Platini) in the head (we wish), and returned home for a little lie-down. We just expect utter lunacy from them now.

      I have to bow to your superior judgment on the England XI for Euro 2016. Regardless, I hope there's a podcast as entertaining as the one you and Mr. Smart did in the wake of 2012. Still put the intro to that on every once in a while, when I'm feeling too optimistic about life in general.

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    2. 'Good to see we are' has left the building.

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    3. that's good to see! It now stands as a work for the ages.

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  3. No that's not world beaters but maybe, just maybe, Germany Spain and Italy well be a bit shit as well. In which case the trophys as good as ours and I'll finally be getting that three lions tattoo. On my arse.

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  4. I agree, Robert, Jones is the ultimate example of how fergie lost the plot. I must surely have imagined this, but I'm pretty sure he labelled Jones 'potentially the greatest man u player ever'which is like saying joey Barton is 'potentially the nicest bloke you'll ever meet'

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    1. He did but then didn't play him in the position he bought him for in the first place. He'd have been better off staying at Blackburn an extra season. I like Phil Jones though and United have looked better defensively when he plays in the middle with Smalling and last season when they were both fit and in playing at centre-back we conceded very few goals and went on that nice winning run. Stones and Jagielka should be the first choice though if they perform well together for Everton translate that into the national team otherwise anyone other than Cahill really as this season is proving that JT did all the decent defending last season for Chelsea. In fact you could look at the Utd pairing and the Everton pairing and say whichever pair stays fit and plays better than the other gets in. Otherwise it's Stones and either Jones or Smalling. I'd go back to 4-4-2 mind with Rooney and Kane up front with Barkley and Delph or another strong defensive midfielder that will allow him to play creatively with Walcott and Oxo-cube on the wings. I just hope Shaw can get fit and Clyne stays fit then we may actually get out of the group

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  5. This may upset our Dutch/German/Filipino sections,but no to Wilshere.Run 5 yards then fall over.

    This might upset the rest of you,but I'd have Milner as the base of the midfield diamond.

    But what do I know,I support Ipswich.

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    1. More then most it would seem.

      I slightly cringe when I see him start for Arsenal, in his so called proper position, because it means that a better player has been shifted to accomadate him. A holding midfielder he is not, he's way too brittle for that. Santi Cazorla, not the largest of players, pulls it off at Arsenal because he has the Coq next to him and they don't play at the base of that suicidle diamond formation that Woy pwefers.

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  6. I think your arse is safe, Blogs (unless you walk past the Welsh team bus wearing a thick woolly coat!) I'm not even going to think about team selection as there are bound to be a plethora of injuries prior to the tournament. Odds-on England to end up in the "Group of Death" whereas Germany will be in the group with the footballing equivalents of the comfy chair and the pointy cushion.

    Spider

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    1. And the rack! Let's never forget that awful instrument of torture...

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  7. Jamie Carragher - the Patron Saint of Bloke who can't kick a moving ball -having a pop at people getting caps. Hell, it's the defenition of the Pot and the Kettle.

    Rastafairy.

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  8. I would love to see how the contributors to the comments section would complete the sentence 'Good to see we are ....'

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  9. Good to see we are being challenged to complete a sentence, it very rarely happens.

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  10. Good to see we are accepting the challenge with grace and/or apoplexy. Aplomb? No - I prefer apoplexy.

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    1. or, given the lack of response, apathy.

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    2. I'm suggesting the Del Boy has wiped the smoggy residue of Boro off his glasses and is making the observation that it's good to see.

      Either that,or the rain has gone.

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  11. I agree with Jacks. I believe that Milner is a better choice for the midfield role as he does add more to the team. Based on the fact that playing Sterling, Sturrage and Rooney would give Roy a nosebleed for being too adventurous there is a spare place for Milner then.

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  12. I wad just kidding before I enjoy watching a good rugby game. Not their fault their posh it's it? I'm rooting for Wales here .... I chuckle every time dan biggar does his lunatic with tourettes routine before kicking a penalty.

    The rules are unfathomable though.

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  13. Nice one RR.

    Funny to see over the years how the views on England have gone from the "ridiculously overhyped" of past pre tournaments to the current "barely registering a Meh on a Giveashitometer" today. Personaly I've never been burdened with the curse of rating England, I've always found them to be a poorly managed rabble of overated egos, the inflated pricetags they go for and the ludicrous wages most of them recieve far outshine their true worth or talent.

    They all play in the self appointed "Greatest League in the World" too, which is partly responsible for their false value and totally responsible for the fact that they're at a disadvantage before a ball in the finals is even kicked. The PL is played at a break neck pace (compared to other European leagues), it's a hell of a lot more competive then most and, unlike it's counterparts, offers no respite (winterstop) and has the added responsibility of an extra cup competition. We are starting to see in the CL that the PL teams are struggling, this is no coincidence, it's football saturation and fatigue taking it's toll.

    Still, 10 out of 10 wins is nothing to be sniffed at.

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    1. I disagree, H. I think it is to be sniffed at in this case. The only team easier to beat in this group would have been Braintree under 9 girls team. The real teams are about to arrive with the force of an exploding Chinese nuclear power station in Essex. We may as well give up now. All we've got ahead of us is derision, heartache and failure it's fucking unbearable...just when I thought I'd adjusted my expectations to the level of a subterranean snake's arse it dawns on me that Im being massively over optimistic. The best we can hope for is that the comical ineptitude and inevitable abject failure of the england team might give our European friends a quiet chuckle at our triumphalist arrival and inevitable abject exit in the quarter finals just before we arrogantly declare that actually we're above all this competing with europe malarky and decide just to play endless home matches against northern ireland.

      One consoling thought , though. We still wont have fucked up as badly as Holland.

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  14. Good to see that we are the children of the revolution.
    It's also good to see Jose trying to convince the PL that his English isn't very good. They weren't buying it so the next day he tries to prove how shit is English is by coming out with this garbled nonsense: "We can still win all four competitions." thus proving that his command of the English language is as good as Jamie Carragher's command of the rolling football.

    Rastafairy.

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. You mock Carragher but the way England's defence is we'd be better off bringing him and the Neville brothers out of retirement for the Euros. Need someone exciting at the helm. If Bournemouth get relegated can we get Eddie Howe in as manager.

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    3. I'm not casting aspersions on JC's defending abilities - in fact his ability to be invisible to the referee was a rare skill indeed and his own goal record is second to none. It's just that when bringing the ball out of defence he never made a pass without stopping the ball first.
      And what does an American R&B group bring to the England team? If they can get get it, it would certainly prove Carragher right about how easy it is to win a cap.

      RF

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  15. To see we are good. Yeesssssss. © Yoda 2015

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  16. Totally agree with you Robbo re Jones. The guy has never been nor ever will be an International footballer. Agree with Jack too concerning Wilshire. Two cases in point which show that if you play for one of the top four PL teams and you are English you automatically are given an England cap. You have to earn a cap if you play for one of the "lesser" teams.

    Rugby to me is 80 minutes of a bunch of men running up and down a field trying to fiddle with each others bottoms.

    Scott, did you watch the Pagara Gonzalez fight on Sunday?

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    1. Wow - tough fight against a sneaky-dirty southpaw. That incident in round 2 was really baffling - Pagara clearly hit Gonzalez after Gonzalez took a knee, but you didn't get the sense Gonzalez needed to take a knee in the first place. Then Pagara fortunate not to be DQ'd for hitting him when he was 'down.' If Gonzalez had sold it like he'd been really hurt by that shot, the referee would not have had an option - automatic DQ.

      As it was, I like what the referee did in giving him time to recover, even though that is also a flagrant violation of the rules (you're only supposed to do that in the case of a low blow, which is not counted as a knockdown). But he should have taken a point from Pagara, regardless.

      All of that rendered moot by Pagara's power. You could tell the end was coming by round 5. My characterization of Gonzalez as 'sneaky-dirty?' His foul protector was clearly above his belt line - his trunks slipped down to a more natural spot as the fight went on. Referee did a good job on soft calls there (just "keep the punches up"). Gonzalez looked to me to be trying to butt Pagara in close, more than just the usual lefty vs. righty awkwardness. Also on the inside, he was quite deliberately hooking to the back of Pagara's head. I think the referee should at least have warned Gonzalez about that.

      All in all, it was a tough test against a rough customer. And Pagara probably needs to work on his defense against lefties. But I still like the kid - he'll need to show outside the Philippines, but I think he will do well!

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  17. Thank heavens Chelsea managed to avoid any headlines yesterday. On a serious note they were unlucky the goal was ruled offside when it could go either way but after that the whole club behaved like petulant children. I believe they have one of the best managers in the world so the players must accept that individually and as a group they are playing well below the heights of last season. It was said whoever was above Chelsea this season would be champions, at this rate they will need a lot more Champions trophies this year.
    Perhaps it is time for Chelsea to recall some of the 30 odd players who are out on loan and give them a chance. The team just now are performing so badly maybe they should rest the first team and play people who would give a damn about the game. The worst that could happen is they will lose but that will be the same as the first team manage. It might give the Prima Donnas in the first team a wake up call that they don't deserve to wear the shirt unless they are trying. It will improve next week thought, won't it?

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  18. Stop press. Boro back to winning ways!

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  19. Hey ho, I would still pick Vardy rather than Welbeck or Sturridge; both are injury prone. Vardy's direct approach might be what we need in 'deadlocked' situations.

    Anyone still rooting for Chelsea? They look a bit sh*t at the moment, don't they.

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  20. Watch them turn it around next week when they play us.

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  21. Chelsea look a bit shit? They look pretty good from my vantage point at the foot of the Championship.

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  22. Blogidy.

    The failure of NL is massive, no one expected it and has pretty much left the entire nation gobsmacked, even now I don't think it has really sunk in for everybody, not that I'm not here reminding them al every chance I get.

    Funny thing is, this really shouldn't come as such a shock to world football. It's the curse of the third place finish. Check out all the nations to have finished third in the WC from the early 90's until '14 and you'll find that they all (except ze Germans) failed to qualify for the following Euros. Wierd.

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  23. As for Chelsea.....

    Hmm, delicous irony served with a gravy of come uppence equals a tasty scheudenfreude pie.

    Watching all the so called experts back peddle is rather amusing too, a few short months ago they were tipping the Chavs to run away with everything including the Ashes and the WC rugby title, which was pretty surprising as the writting was slightly on the wall at the tail end of last season wherein they were nowhere near as good as they were this time last year, they virtually blitzed the title last time around, but you could see the fatigue setting in around late Feb'. The perils of only using a small selection of your squad.

    Jose, Jose, oh dear, oh dear. The Special One could very well wind up in Special Care, he looks like he's a missed valium away from sitting in a padded room smearing the walls with the word "ARSENE" in his own feaces.

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