New Year Predictions Part One

How do and a Happy New Year to all of yus (Geordies included). Hang on, wait a mo - you UKIP voters can just fuck off.

Now where was I? The New Year is upon us and to a bloke who turned 50 just last month 2015 still sounds like stupidly far into the future. There'll be flying cars and dinner in a pill by tomorrow I reckon.

In the meantime footy changes and footy stays the same. No matter how many cheating little bastards seek to pervert the course of the beautiful game with their falling, feigning and faffing about, it still remains a game in which booted men (yes, okay and women occasionally) tonk a pig's bladder (yes okay a sheep's bladder occasionally) around a green sward for the sheer fun of it. What better waste of time can there be?

In time honoured fashion I should like to mark this turning-over of time with some predictions for our sporting year ahead.

JANUARY

Alan Pardew marks his first game back at Crystal Palace with FA Cup defeat at Dover. Neil Warnock tells Match of the Day that if he was still there it would never have happened. Pardew nuts Warnock. Warnock nuts him back. They both find themselves out of football for six months. The nation celebrates for a whole week.

Yaya Toure comes home early from the African Cup of Nations when none of his teammates give him a cake for his 31 and three-quarter birthday. He is also upset not to be linked with a move to Manchester United given that every other fecker has been.

Roy Hodgson's January get-together with the England squad is a revelation after Chris Smalling, Phil Jones, John Stones all tell him they think right-back is a numpty's position and can he pick someone's who's good at it. Two months later and Roy has ignored them and selected a fit-again Glen Johnson.

In Australia, somebody with a name that sounds like the name of every other player in the women's game wins the tennis. Djokovic wins the men's in a superfast twelve hours and seven minutes.

FEBRUARY

It's the Superbowl and the Green Day Pickers beat the Steely See Panthers by two touc-ups and a punt to one sacking and a flag on the play. And that's a night I'll never get back.

Luis Suarez is sent off for trying to bite Cristiano Ronaldo - however the Uruguayan was unable to follow through with the chomping as, it turns out, Ronaldo secretes an unctuous and tasteless substance through the pores of his skin. Turns out the best player in the world sweats his own vanity.

England begin the Cricket World Cup with defeat against the minnows. And when I say 'minnows' I mean 'minnows'. This lot couldn't beat a shoal of tiny freshwater fish.

The rugby Six Nations begin with at the Millennium Stadium. Wales and England fight it out until the English realise they've left their best player in France simply because they have a petty rule that stops them picking him. Wales win with tries by Lydiate, Phillips and Halfpenny. Who play in France. Oops.

MARCH

Oo! It's the final of the WhoTheFuckIsSponsoringItThisYear League Cup. Chelsea beat Spurs 2-1, the winning goal coming from a Hazard penalty after the ref gives in and awards a penalty for the Blues' 17th dive of the match. Tom Daley denies doing additional coaching for Mourinho.

Manchester City are knocked out of the Champions League by Barcelona. Manuel Pellegrini is sacked. Tony Pulis moves from West Brom - who are up to 2nd by now - and takes over.

The World Cup cricket final is between India and Australia, The umpire review system is in place for the final and after several close calls, India decide that after reviewing the evidence the umpires need replacing. The ICC are appalled. But give in anyway. Australia win anyway. Not a dry eye in the house when the victory is dedicated to Phil Hughes. (Genuinely, that would be perfect.)

The F1 season begins with a cracking race in Melbourne. Not a single person with any interest in sport watches it.

APRIL

Celtic win the Scottish Cup Final against Hearts. Fans of both clubs are praised for the amount of loose change they donate to the Rangers benevolent fund collectors in the stadium.

Steve Bruce is sacked by Hull City after the Tigers fail to win in ten games. Bruce celebrates by becoming the Newcastle manager, replacing a slap-headed Fabricio Coloccini, who has been pulling his hair out for three months.

The University Boat Race is won in a record time when an extremely high tide breaks through the Thames Barrier.

In the Championship, promotion is now between eighteen teams, all of them separated by a single point. I book meself in for fingernail replacement surgery.

MAY

Alistair Cook scores a 300-ball century in the third test against West Indies. "It's ironic that having lost the captaincy of the one-day side I score such a rapid 100 here" he said. Without irony.

Middlesbrough win the FA Cup. Yeah? Wipe that smile off your faces. It's compensation for having failed to gain promotion on the toss of a coin after everyone in the Championship finish level on points.

Chelsea win the Premier League. Mourinho is very self-effacing about it all. "The Special One? That was a silly remark back then... Now I think we can say 'Touched by greatness' perhaps... or at God's right hand?"

Bayern Munich and Real Madrid win through in their Champions League semifinals. Manuel Neuer sealing a 3-0 victory over Chelsea with a stunning solo run and shoot from the edge of his own box, beating the dive of Thibaut Courtois - the only legitimate dive by a Chelsea player in the game.

At FIFA HQ Sepp Blatter is reelected for another four years and the Champagne flows. Well at least the blood of M. Champagne flows all over the carpet. FIFA orders an inquiry into the incident and Blatter appoints a bucket, two horses and a large chunk of emmenthal to head up the investigation.The fucking crook.

JUNE

A magnificent Ronaldo hat-trick graces a brilliant Champions League final which will live long in the memory of those fortunate enough to have witnessed it. 5-4 in extra time. Wow. (Sorry that's ridiculous. Arsenal (of course) win it with a fine victory over Madrid courtesy of world class strikes from Welbeck, Walcott and Sanogo.)

The European Games open in Baku with none of the competitors entirely sure as to why they're there, what they're there to do, or whether Azerbaijan is actually only in Europe during the Eurovision Song Contest (which incidentally was won by a Belgian bloke with knockers).

Wimbledon begins and as ever the first round is peppered with plucky Brits: plucked from obscurity and then totally plucked on court. They all lose, bar Andy Murray. Critics blame Amelie Mauresmo. She's a French lesbian so... y'know... inevitably she can't know much about the game she played as a professional all her life.

Gareth Bale signs for Manchester United. Unfortunately the club sells Old Trafford and Carrington to fund it and Bale's first training session is on an abandoned playing field in Wythenshawe.

There'll be more predictions in the next blog, by which time half of this one will look ridiculous.