New Year Predictions Part 2

JULY

The Tour de France begins and Yorkshiremen line the streets of hill and dale, shaking their heads ruefully and wondering what's happened to t'Tour, "It's not like it was in my day" says one.

England win the Women's World Cup Final, and the nation goes la-la for the ladies. Sepp Blatter is encouraged by the tournament's success and says it'll be even bigger next time, what with his plans for spilt-crotch shorts and half-time sports bra demonstrations. He is led away to a quiet fee-paying corner of the Alps and never seen again.

Following a decent start as England's one day captain Eoin Morgan (Irish) takes over the Test team, recalls Kevin Pietersen (South African) and wins the toss in Cardiff (Wales). ENgland are bowled out for 102, and Nigel Farage blames the foreigners.

At the British Grand Prix, there is a terrible deluge of rain and Bernie Ecclestone goes missing. He is later found in a pitlane puddle, breathing through a straw. Lewis Hamilton wins the race cos when it rains, that's the rule.

At the Open Golf Championships at St. Andrew's, normal service is resumed as a faceless American with a neat swing and an odd name - let's call him Bradson Duflieth III - takes the title.

AUGUST

The new football season hoves into view and Manchester United, fresh from a plucky fifth place in last season's Premier League, parade their new signings before their opening fixture against newly promoted Middlesbrough (Yes I know that contradicts my previous blog but I've got renewed confidence now). Van Gaal's new system involves a 0-5-5 formation on the basis that the lot he has at the moment might as well not be there anyway.

Mario Balotelli's signing for Arsenal is scratched at the last minute. "We wanted someone who could get the other side of the defence and fluff easy chances in front of goal and then I realised Theo was fit and raring to go" said a sheepish Wenger.

Joey Barton and Robbie Savage appear on the same episode of Match of the Day. The BBC are sued for millions as thousands of otherwise peaceable football fans stove in their TV screens with pint glasses.

The Ashes series turns sour as some of the Australian cricketers say nasty things to England's batsmen. Among the worst comments are "You're not very good", "whoops-a-daisy, you missed it again, Ian" and "Are you holding the wrong end, Alistair?" Jonathan Agnew is appalled.

SEPTEMBER

Southampton celebrate their qualification for the Champions League by actually keeping hold of all their players for an extra season. A bewildered fan says: "It was extraordinary, I recognised every player on the pitch."

Brendan Rogers' Liverpool start their Europa League campaign with a tough away fixture at Dinamo Godknowswhere in upper Slovenia. Ricky Lambert scores the opener for Dinamo but Liverpool get a late equaliser courtesy of one of Rogers' interchangeable new signings Whichiswhich.

The Rugby World Cup begins with great ceremony. The England team walk out past a line of ladies and are really polite to all of them, England v Wales is the first time the two teams have met since the Welsh broke away from the Union and it ends in a bloody draw.

OCTOBER

Manchester City have another crisis in the striker department when Sergio Aguero, after a brilliant start to the season, gets a groin injury. Pellegrini once again rustles up some sort of forward line from Dzeko, Jovetic, Bony and whoever the fuck else they bought in the summer. Jeez, it's hard at the top.

The Athletics World Championships take place in Doha, Qatar. Usain Bolt wins the 100 metres in a time slightly less fast than it took Sepp Blatter to decide to host the 2022 World Cup there.

England continue to canter towards Euro 2016 qualification as they scrape victories against Thingammy and Whatsitsname, all of which starts to give England fans an overinflated sense of optimism. People start saying 'Well it's hard to think of a more consistent right midfielder than James Milner' and given time Calum Chambers could be the next Paolo Maldini'. Oh dear.

The Rugby World Cup final is between New Zealand and England. Stuart Lancaster reveals his hidden weapon. The All Blacks perform their furious ha'ka only for it to be trumped with a 'Macca'. The front row  wheel out Paul McCartney with a guitar and the ex-Beatle strums his way through Mull of Kintyre while the home side insert ear-plugs. England are 20 points up before Dan Carter wakes up. New Zealand win 43-20.

NOVEMBER

Nothing unusual happens...

Manchester City join Chelsea at the top of the Premiership - Chelsea spend the next game literally falling over themselves to get a result. A numpty manager is sacked after his team lose three on the bounce. Neil Warnock stands by his phone and waits, Liverpool announced the loan re-signing of one Steven Gerrard. Ched Evans almost gets a job. Sepp Blatter announces that the frontrunners for hosting the 2026 World Cup are either the planet Mercury or death Valley. The bloke who owns Wigan says something that was fine in his day. Same old shit, really.

DECEMBER

It's Sports Personality of the Year and the winner is Golden Girl Jessica Ennis. One of them steep climbs in Sheffield is re-named Jessica Ennis-Hill.

All the managers in the Premier League wonder why they are playing so many games over the festive period. Apart from Arsene Wenger who just shrugs and takes it on the chin, given the Gooners win four on the spin.

Middlesbrough are relegated already, but you know, it was a helluva ride and we'll be back.

The draw for Euro 2016 sees England get a pretty comfy draw. Roy Hodgson insists there are no easy games in international football but admits that England 'should give the Jocks a good tonking in Match One.'

And finally Newcastle United appoint a manager... but how will Ant and Dec cope with a mounting injury list and an inability to speak French?