Nothing But The Tooth

So if - and more reasonably when - Luis Suarez is found guilty of biting an opponent for the third time in his professional career, what might be the best way to proceed for FIFA? (Given FIFA's recent track record the idea that it should have any sort of moral authority is laughable, but we'll gloss over that shall we? Unless of course we can leave Luis and Sepp in a locked room for 48 hours and hang - or enjoy - the consequences.)


But seriously what are the options?


1. Remove Suarez's teeth entirely.


2. Make Suarez wear one of those face guards you give to dangerous dogs - and if you want him to keep playing that's not as dumb as it seems. Humiliating, yes but stupid? No.


3. Insist that opposing centre-halves wear proper bite-proof protection. Although that argument works a bit like the one that says that girls in mini-skirts are just asking for it. Perhaps the Uruguayans might make that point. I mean,  if these svelte-shouldered Italians run around in their slinky blue tops, just begging to be nibbled, it's not Luis's fault, is it?
4. Give him a guest role on the UK tour of Dennis the Menace.


5. Ban him for at least a year and tell him to go and get serious psychological help. Small children often go through a biting phase but as far as I can tell they get over it by three years of age - the only exceptions being Luis Suarez and Hannibal Lecter and one of those is fictional. (It's Lecter by the way, Suarez does actually exist.)


Whatever happens, it'd be nice if close colleagues, enchanted by his footballing brilliance, could actually get their fingers out of their arses and condemn the toothy twat when he's done something like this. Or is pure talent enough to permit you to get away with anything?


If I were Sepp Blatter, and let's face it with enough money, brass neck and indifference to human suffering we all could be, I'd be banning the bloke for life. He's had so much support with his problems and quite simply the man's a serial offender. If he were a dog, he would be put down by now. The fact that he's a human being might make us a pity him a little as he's clearly a bit bonkers and that's not his fault. But you can't let him carry on doing this.


So come on FIFA. Make a stand. This man needs forcibly retiring before he eats someone.


Mind you, I can't help secretly wishing he'd been close enough to bite Phil Jagielka with five minutes to go against England. Which brings us on to the toothless final showing against an uninterested Costa Rica. Costa Fiver as I called them before the tournament started. What a chump I look now.


But it's a tad unfair to belittle that goalless draw. You can blather on all you like about getting back a bit of pride but those players were already going home so there was nowt to play for. If I'd made eleven employees redundant I'd hardly expect them to put in a proper shift on their last day at work.


Much is being made of England's apparent pool of young talent but that very youthfulness seems to have recently retired pros trembling like leaves for the future of the national game. I'm not quite sure why we need the likes of Gerrard and Lampard to hang around being not quite as good as they once were if they simultaneously keep aspiring players out of the team.


I hope they both, with gratitude for their long-standing but ultimately fruitless efforts, retire gracefully. If the next generation are to thrive they don't need to be dependent on tidy old pros, unless they stick around to offer a bit of wise counsel every now and then.

The flaws in the England team are not exactly difficult to identify. The defence is hogwash. Johnson couldn't protect stop a bath from overflowing and Jagielka and Baines are not quite up to it even if the formation didn't help them. Gerrard and Henderson are not great protectors of a back four - indeed the one player who should've been on the plane (and this is ironic since I've lambasted him in the past) was Michael Carrick, who is at least used to defending in that position.


Upfront, Sturridge isn't the finished finisher either and had he been we might well be sitting at home talking up our teams chances of turning over Colombia, or even Greece. But he's worth persisting with in the absence of others.


What I still insist was good to see was a lot of intelligent running off the ball and interchanging of position by England's front four, regardless of the personnel. The final ball was lacking - which is pretty crucial I admit - but that will improve if and only if these players keep getting picked.


Personally I don't think England were 'humiliated' in this tournament. They did about as well as we thought they would when they got there. This England team is average but can get better.


Here's a team to start the next game:
Hart, Flanagan, Cahill, Stones, Shaw, Carrick, Wilshere, Barkley, Sterling, Sturridge, Rooney. (Lallana or Oxlade-Chamberlain could start happily enough in that midfield too. Jones might yet come through if only bleedin' Man U would play him at centre-back!)


Obviously you'd have to insist on little refinements within that line-up. Wilshere only plays if he stops falling over. Sturridge can't miss three sitters and expect to retain his place. None of them get to do shoddy TV ads when they've done nowt to earn the right. And we give a naïve back four the right to fail every now and then, given that the more experienced one was pants anyhow. And give Ross Barkley a chance, too.


Indeed the likes of Sterling and Barkley wouldn't even have made this tournament were it not for Martinez and Rodgers's willingness to give youth its head. Surely they have to be retained, encouraged and forgiven before they can really improve our chances.


Which is the opposite of what we should do with Suarez. To the kennels with him!! Bad dog, BAD DOG!!!