Taken for Grant-ed

Hello! Or as we Poles say 'Halo'.

Phew! What a week! And that's just this blog. Last Thursday, some bloke called Polish Dad appeared to have hijacked this site - but insisted he'd saved it from a worse fate than that. (Looking at Kusczak’s performance at Blackburn I wouldn’t want a Pole saving anything for me!)

Not realising that I am technologically-challenged he tried to explain himself: 'Blah-bli-blah-DOMAIN, blah-bli-blah OPEN' he wrote - or summat like that. Any road it appears he did save the day, so a big Polish thumbs up to the lad. And even if he didn't, thanks, son, for giving an ageing Teessider heart failure.


Poland is of course famous for many things including this - its reasonably good volleyball team

In this area of high beer and cholesterol consumption, heart failure is nowt new. However in that London, I'm imagining Irons fans are busy blowing themselves into bubbles and fading and dying as we speak.

Those of us with a cruel streak (and here I talk of every football fan I know) will not shed a tear for that weird triumvirate of Sullivan, Gold and Brady.

It strikes me that not one of 'em knows owt about football. It could be that porn magnate Sullivan ordered the back four to stay wide open to allow as much penetration as possible. Sullivan was keen for Avram to play someone in the hole who could push up behind the front two.

The selection of Grant, and his non-sacking in January, have been tell-tale indicators of a club that - ironically in Sullivan's case, doesn't know its arse from its elbow.

At least Hammers fans will be able to watch their team play in the Olympic Stadium soon - the main benefit of that being that they'll be so far away from the pitch that the pain will take longer to reach you.

When push comes to shove at the lower end of the league you need a gaffer who can stir the emotions. While Blackpool have got Tigger, West Ham have had to make do with Eeyore. While Wigan have Mr. Motivator, West Ham have Droopy.

Here's Avram wondering why he bought Robbie Keane

Grant seems a nice enough bloke but Gawd knows why he was hired. This will be the season West Ham fans remember as The Year of Scott Parker. (Or Scotty if you want him to sound like a really annoying pooch). He's been the footballing equivalent of Atlas. No wonder his Achilles twanged after carrying so many passengers.

He'll be off to somewhere wealthy in the summer - cluttering up Man City's midfield mantelpiece no doubt. Can't say I was too chuffed about the Cup Final result although Citeh were hugely superior to Stoke.

(Oh and by the way if the FA ever allow Premier League matches to be played on Cup Final day I will personally go round there and squeeze their gluttonous heads into a miniature replica of the Cup itself. Shocking decision!)

Mancini's side may have been a bit flaky at times this season but one thing you can't do is strongarm them out of it. At one point Tyldesley suggested that Stoke's aerial firepower was to be feared. Except even Huth looked like a border collie amongst the wolfhounds of Toure, Richards, Kompany and co.

They keep telling me the sky blue's the limit now. That the first trophy is the hardest to win. I'd love to disagree. But if Mancini can fork out a flaming fortune just to have a minder for Balotelli (Vieira) then the rest of us are pissing in the wind.

It's Chelsea Mark II. Abramovich never bothered about buying a dud. Kezman, that cokehead Romanian fella, the expensive scatter cushion that was Winston Bogarde. Doesn't matter that they stank. Same with Citeh now. Dzeko turns out to be Bosnian for 'cack'. No bother. We'll lay a trail of cash to the door of Karim Benzema or some such.

It's not a happy prospect unless you've been spitting out the dirt from Man U's wheelspins for three decades.

And them people - the fans - are the ones who have earned the right to crow.

United are of course Premier League Champions. Which really means that City are celebrating sloppy seconds for now.

As I've said before, it really doesn't matter what you think of Ferguson, fact is he's won the League with a great deal of averageness at his disposal. Which makes him, in this day and age, close to a genius. And, by the way, no one likes a genius.

If you look at the celebratory pogo-ers at Ewood Park on Saturday there's only Vidic and van der Saar who you can truly say have been exceptional all season. Rooney's blown hot and cold. (And if there's a football fan in the country who hasn't at least indirectly been told to fuck off by Wazza this season then he wasn't on the pitch when you watched Man U.)

"It's all very well but what am I gonnae dae now ITV are getting rid of Taggart?"

Somehow Old Purple Chops has managed to patch together a winning side out of crocks and journeymen. And there's never been a string of games when they've all been playing shite at the same time - unlike Chelsea and Arsenal.

Rooney and Berbatov have alternated purple patches. Nani's dip in form has been easily covered by Valencia's return and the work-rate of Park. The foetal Brazilain twins have covered manfully for absentees at full-back; similarly, Rio's creaking back hasn't caused too much disruption. Carrick has been very good in the run-in. And Gawd knows what he's on but Giggsy continues his campaign to become the Peter Pan of the PFA. (According to Twitter rumours he's been using a super-injection for years).

I'm hoping that Cardiff can muster a way to the Premier League after a series of rhythm method seasons. (They look like they're in but withdraw at the last second). Be nice if Dave Jones could get that particular monkey off his back - then again Craig Bellamy could make all the difference.

Who they might replaced is well anybody's guess. Me? I hope it's not Blackpool n Wolves to sink, as we'd lose two of the best post-match interviewees in the game.
Bit I reckon the Tangerines will go, joined by the Tired Toilers at Brum. Suffice to say bums will never have been squeakier.

Rest assured Boro fans will empathise with the lot of yer.