Tuesday 26 April 2011

Wenger's Lament



Finally the tall grey man stood up and approached the lectern. So ashen was he, he resembled nowt less than a cigarette that had been left in an ash-tray to burn itself out. He stiffened sinews that had long been stretched to breaking point by the agony of watching errors that even the mascots sniggered about.

And then, in a tired but impassioned Alsatian voice, Le Professeur addressed the apostles that gathered before him

“Somewhere there is a place where the world is at peace; where footballer shall not harm footballer; where the extra pass shall be the equal of a goal;

“where pint-sized pretty boys with flicky faffy feet shall be feted – and clumsy rumbling oiks with all the grace and touch of sponge-shoed yetis shall be scorned and jeered and pelted from the stands by philosophy graduates;

“where centre-halves are as French fancies – decorative, lightly frosted and easily crumbled and devoured; where goalkeepers are friendly buffoons whose every touch makes you tremor with a mixture of mirth and fear; where the Big Number Nine is a work of fiction and the small number fourteen a joy to behold.

“Here bottles of mineral water are safe.

“There are no horrors to abhor, or ignore, depending upon who committed them.

“Children from across the (predominantly French-speaking) world can hold hands around a golden orb like some freaking Benetton ad and preach possession unto each other, forgetting that it is only nine tenths of the law and not even a fifth of a score;

“Here, tippy shall pass to tappy and tappy to tippy; to score off your knee is a crime; the long ball is a dance party that finishes at six in the morning; tackle is what you cover when you stand in a defensive wall and humping it into the box is only available on the adult channel.

“Spectators shall hiss ‘Shhhh’ if someone says ‘Hoof it, you soddin’ twat Djourou!’

“The season begins in spirit and wonder, glimmers with a thousand dreams and finishes with some really nice compliments, thank you;

“And the joy of Cesc remains forever;

“But there are no medals here – but then what are medals but mere trinkets to adorn the necks of the artisan? An artist needs a cup for nowt more than somewhere to put his peppermint tea. What is the pursuit of trophies without the pursuit of perfection?

“For one day, mes amis, we will score the perfect goal. And it will not be scored by going round the outside or hitting it long and feeding off the knock-downs. It will be an orgy of one-touch purity (unless Bendtner’s on the pitch) put together by nimble pixies with magical magnets in their feet and paradise in their souls.

“And even if you do say that Barca have done that already and are way better at it than you’ll ever be, hear this, oh Gooners!

“We shall not desist! We shall through our desire, our mentality, our technicality and our one touch too many, ascend the sheer face of English philistinism and bring forth a better way: the Arsene way!



“For I have been to that mountaintop! And we shall all get there again one day – though obviously we’ll probably trot back and forth and fail to find the direct route to the top.

“And once there we shall gaze across all we have achieved. Top four finishes, Champions League quarter-finals, runners-up medals by the sackful. And still a huge amount of wonga in the kitty for a decent keeper and a centre-back with a spine.

“And we shall embrace then at a job well done.

“For we shall look back at that which went before: the dark days of 1-0s and George Graham. The ineffable tedium of that team (apart from that fluky 2-0 at Anfield which bagged them a title). And we shall not fear our true selves.

“And yea, though Fergie may sit astride a higher peak, lost in clouds of champagne spray, and Jose may glower above us too (I shall not know for I won’t be looking – I’m no voyeur), we shall not weep. For we shall know in our heart of hearts that we have striven to bring to a game full of base urges and crude lunges a sense of beauty, of Art.

“And to those of you that cry ‘Go, Arsene, go!’ I say ‘Non’. I am Arsenal. Why even my name is writ in Arsenal’s. Arsene to Arsenal. One day Harry Potter will manage Stoke City, a Del Boy Trotter will coach Bolton and Robbie Savage will be represented in Scunthorpe.

“So will I change my outlook, my philosophy? Jamais!

“I will hold true to it with every fibre of my increasingly hacked-off being. And remember this, mes amies. If we win nothing more. If we simply piss away Kroenke’s kazillions on an over-expensive Tomas Rosicky cloning machine and never achieve another thing except the affection of football fans everywhere bar White Hart Lane, then remember – we will always have The Invincibles... “

There’s a ripple of applause from the folk who throng the Emirates Library. “Yeah, they were great them Invincibles but they had a couple of hard bastards at the back, two more ugly buggers in midfield and Thierry Henry. And a proper goalie.”

Le professeur pauses for thought. He looks the man in the eye, then he picks up a bottle of water, slams it on the floor and storms out.

262 comments:

  1. Yeeeeessssssssss!!!!!!! Back of the net!!!!

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  2. Yup - disappointing season for the Gooners and Boro but for somewhat different reasons.

    Oi Robbo - you wanna come on the campaign trail in sunny Thornaby mate?

    And just how bad were Schalke!?!?!?!!!!!!

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  3. No trophy but a gospel blog re Arsenal?

    I can live with that.

    Its all a bit painful to be 'onest.

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  4. ah fuck it, Arsene.. open your bleeding eyes will ya

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  5. last I saw such a lame one sided semi final, it was at wembley some days ago

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  6. possibly my favourite Robbo blog of all time

    he's Self Delusion on a monument is old Arsene

    imo, Belgian beer, admirable in its purity, potent in its latent inebriate potentiality, tastes crap. give me a pint of old scruttocks original with twigs floating on top,any day. fruit beer what's that about? cherries, strawberries, peaches ..... in beer! are all Belgians effeminate arsenal supporting fashion following aesthetes or summat?*

    arsene you've been shooting in the dark too long, when something s not right its wrong, and its your round


    * please remember to drink respinsobly.hic.

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  7. id give my left testicle - the bigger one - for a ticket for real barcas tonight. My moneys on mourinho, he could have been a stage hypnitist that guy. if you see pep hopping around like a chicken at half time you'll know why

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  8. Robbo,
    I have not seen what you have written about Arsenal in this blog. But I read a lot about Wenger.

    A few classic quotes as well. Embarrassing really for us Arsenal fans have to go through all this... if only we had won Carling Cup, atleast we would have had something to savour for the season.

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  9. What a boring match it was yesterday! I slept at half time... surprised Schalke had no pace at all yesterday yet they were brilliantly up and running against Inter.

    Ohh wait they did that in away game. So will they turn up with a 5 goal performance at Old Trafford? I hope they do.

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  10. Great blog Robbo. It'll be an interesting summer down at The Emirates, that's for sure.

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  11. I am sure zis blog was brilliant, but unfortunately, I did not see it.

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  12. its funnier every which time you read it...

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  13. I enjoyed this so much Robbo, thanks for making my day

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  14. This is great, well done Robbo. Why in the world can't he see what we mere mortals all can? Ridiculous.

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  15. Good stuff, very funny. *stands up and applaudes*

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  16. FRom previous blog;

    BojanglesOfOz said...
    I just wrote a fucking long rant in response to your comments H2 but blogger decided it was unable to post it... I may try to repeat it later but it drained me the first time around and I need sleep before attempting it again.

    ----
    I'll look forward to that Bo, although I think Robbo has stolen our thunder a bit with his latest offering. ;)

    Tip- If you've typed a long comment, copy it and break it down into a few parts, then it's easier to post.

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  17. great stuff Robbo. We asked for more pictures of tits! Looks like he's straining his way through a monumental dump in that last picture, that'd be another pile of shit for the Reebok groundsman to clean up! Wait, maybe he's birthing a centre half?

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  18. I saw the CL semi last night, thought it was a good game. IOU were in full control and if it wasn't for an excelent performance from Neuer they would of had a hatful. Once again Fergie got his line up and tactics spot on, I'm starting to get the feeling he might actually know what he's doing. ;P

    As for tonights game, I just hope it's better then the last two "el clasicos" that I've seen over the last few weeks. The La Liga match wasn't much kop and the Copa del Rey final was just plain tedious.

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  19. spain is the new scotland, H - two teams endlessly playing out increasingly dull encounters

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  20. Really Blogs?

    Does that mean that haggis con paella will be available as a snack at the Bernabeu and Barcelona will play their home games at the Och aye the Nou Camp?

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  21. i saw it all in a flash when i stayed in the Hotel del Sol in Aberdeen and a little ginger english-hating heroin addict in a kilt tried to sell me 3-D postcards of the Pope cholera Spanish flu Franco donkeys and lazy Inquisitors in pointy hats torturing cows to death, H

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  22. och aye the nou camp .. quality, punmeister

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  23. As they say in the Spanish Highlands, muchas grassy arse, bloggs.

    I thought it was a better one then the Rabbie Burnsabeu were Real (tight) Madrid host their matches

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  24. hope wenger changes his mind one day

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  25. man utd played a good game last nyt,you all should be proud we are the only english team around from franco

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  26. Tonight's game is as boring as last night's game.

    Hope it's not a Real v Un**ed final... I wouldn't enjoy supporting a team with Ronaldo in it.

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  27. Two great teams with great players in a great stadium - said it would be a poor game

    Footy eh!!!!

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  28. A red I reckon, otherwise you can't explain why the guy rotated in the air so much after contact, he didn't even have a foot on the ground to help flick himself exaggerate. It's a pissy flippy wanky match though.

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  29. Messi's second goal, shear brilliance.

    Shaping up to be Un**ed v Barca at Wembley.

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  30. That Messi fella's nae bad is he? That apart it was a fascinating game - remember, footy is a contact sport, supposedly. The guy who got sent off was unlucky, but Adebayor was equally lucky to stay on. Mourinho is great - we need him stirring things up in the EPL. Citeh perhaps, or Utd when beetroot face retires having got the record 19th title?
    Back to the vino.....

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  31. enjoyed it myself it was all about messi in the end ... loved Mourinho sent off into a playpen 6feet away.

    but the panto gurning, the playacting and the ref needing police shields all made for a good advert for the premiership

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  32. can vidic and Rio handle messi? probably not

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  33. Dissapointing first half. Pepe is a nutcase, the actual tackle wsnt a red card but i think he woulda got a red card later anyway. Happy with the result. Viva barca!!

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  34. You were all watching the wrong game but probably much better that we discuss matters in Spain tonight!

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  35. Coyle and Wenger have got previous ain't they Trotter? Do you think Owen was using a kind of Jim Bowen style 'Let's look at how we could have played' psychological tactic to try and push Arsene over the edge?

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  36. what's that all about, trott? thrashed by lowly stoke and fulham and yet you beat the "mighty" arsenal?

    Mighty protests and civil disobedience being planned at the vale, a march on Saturday, of 3 men, a group of small boys and a woman who thought it was about global warming. also a season ticket boycott to "Starve em out " as well as, emulating the success of the green and gold anti glazer movement at OT, the on going "black and gold until its sold" protest. I call it the Burslem Spring.

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  37. Morning all.

    Messi's 2nd goal apart, Barca cheated their way to victory. Real Madrid offered very little and what looked like Mourinho had gotten under the skin of Guardiola with pre match conference comments actually backfired.

    Valdes, Alves, Puyol, Pedro, Bussquets, Pique, Xavi - the list is endless; they all tried to influence ref at each and every foul by asking to show cards to Real's players. Pedro & Bussquets also faked injury at times and should have been sent off as well. And Barca are supposedly Europe's best team and they very well know that they have backing of UEFA & Platini and no one would raise a finger against them. Shame on UEFA.

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  38. barca are the best team ive ever seen, with the best player, so other teams can only try to spoil. but pep is street wise enough that he can play it dirty when he needs to, and youre right SS there was a lot of that last night, but thats what mourinho was looking for.

    trouble is he had no choice, his team is massively inferior to barca in footballing terms, they were as outclassed as, say, arsenal were against bolton or bolton vs stoke. since arsenal beat barca, that maskes stoke probably the best team in the world at the moment. i jest of course but theyre definitely in the top 100 or so.

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  39. Barcelona are contemplating whether to report Jose Mourinho after the Real Madrid coach insinuated they receive favourable treatment from referees.

    Mourinho vented his fury after Barca won 2-0 at 10-man Real in the first leg of their Champions League semi-final.

    He said: "It's clear that against Barcelona you have no chance.

    "I don't know if it's the publicity of Unicef [the club's shirt sponsor], I don't know if it's because they are very nice, but they've got this power."

    Mourinho added: "I don't know if it's the friendship of [Spanish football federation president Angel Maria] Villar at [European football's governing body] Uefa, where he is vice-president."

    Mourinho's anger stemmed from referee Wolfgang Stark's decision to send off Real defender Pepe for a foul on Dani Alves on the hour mark with the score at 0-0.

    The Portuguese was also sent to the stands after protesting to the fourth official and his mood had not lightened at the post-match press conference.

    "[Barcelona's Pep] Guardiola is a fantastic coach, but he's won one Champions League which I would be ashamed to win after the scandal at Stamford Bridge and this year, if he wins it again, it will be after the scandal at the Bernabeu," stated Mourinho.

    "I hope that one day he will win a clean Champions League, with no incidents behind it."

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  40. the man is a world class wum.

    actually, there is none other anyway near him

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  41. "Sometimes I am a little bit disgusted to live in this world, but this is the world we live in"- Jose

    THE most successful coach of the 21st century, winner of 3 european cups and multiple winners of 3 european leagues.

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  42. I used to like Barca, now the play acting little pricks get right under my skin.

    Sod being ABU, I'm ABB right now.

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  43. Star,

    I think its been a while really that they have been diving around...

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  44. To be fair all teams dive a lot these days. Stevie Me and Ickle Mikey are well known for it. As for the North London Branch of the French Foreign Legion, their synchronised diving team has to be seen to be disbelieved. Madrid were just as bad a Barca last night, and the game was played as Mourinho wanted, but with (from his perspective0 the wrong result.

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  45. Blog, SN^5 which begs the question, who are you?

    Starve Em Out founder Mark Rutter told BBC Radio Stoke: "We're expecting a lot more pledges. "I won't go to Vale again until this board stands down." Lifelong Vale fan Rutter, 30, added: "We want to starve the club of funds because we want the board to notice the fans' views.

    "They're not listening to shareholders or other fan groups. We want a new future for Port Vale and we want new investment to take the club forward. It's down to fan power now."

    Or this one...

    A third group, the North London Valiants, sent a questionnaire to the club's shareholders which showed that 40% are in favour of calling an extraordinary general meeting.

    "The meeting will look to vote off the current board," said NLV spokesman Malcolm Hirst. "Recently they have ignored a request by local millionaire businessman and life-long Vale fan, Mark Sims, to buy 24.9% of the shares.

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  46. trott SN^5 i constantly ask myself the same question. All this fucking self-knowledge. Where the fuck has it gotten me?

    North Londan Valiants haha all 4 of them

    vale have sold 120 season tickets for next year. thats one hundred and twenty, so starve em out is working which is a relief because when i first heard about it i thought they were going to blockade all wrights pie deliveries to vale park or even worse enforce a "no-fry" zone over the local Greasy Spoon cafs

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  47. star as always you cut through the bullshit with a steel blade ... barca have lost my affection as well. i understand it is the way to win, but it's ignoble, as opposed to IgNobel the prizes for gormlessness which i award to son for asking, on a visit to London "why is it called the Underground?" and in front of a 8 foot model of a human phoetus in the natural history museum "is it life size?" (but he's only 7 so thats ok, cough)

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  48. and i agree star lets all pull behind man utd and support them to an english victory in the final but lets ridicule them mercilessly if they lose

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  49. Barca playacted with a zeal that the RSC would be proud of. It's really come to something when you actually want a team containing The Gelled Tumbler (© R Robson) to win, has it not?

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  50. which they probably will. barca are awesome.

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  51. roger i understand tom daley has joined the coaching staff

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  52. Didn't see the game as I wasn't prepared to get up at 4am to watch it, but were Barca that bad that I have to support Utd in the final? Unless they were behaving like a Mongolian horde, or a Russian soldier raping and pillaging his way through to Berlin, then I'm still going to have to side with the Spainish team. Lets not make Fergie's band of merry twats out to be the architects of footballing purity and gracefullness. They're just a bunch of cunts too(sorry Bells - long time no see btw).

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  53. or, as the song goes....

    I'm on the march with fergie's army of footballing purity and gracefullness!
    We're all off to wemberlee

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  54. I reckon SAF's going to get on the phone to Mourinho and ask him to get one of his players to take Messi out for the next three months...
    ----------------------
    I'm just shy, not anonymous

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  55. Afternoon all

    Was really busy at work for about three weeks, then got out of habit of posting (even lurking) and for some reason - best known to myself - felt a bit shy about starting to post again ..
    and was then about to post a very bad taste line at Easter but thought better of it

    Although having read AH's point that Chelsea have been playing better since I have been away, i will maybe have to start posting as Anonymous -the schizo one.

    But on to some very exciting news Noel, the main supermarket in the town I live in has just started selling VB stubbies ..

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  56. hola BHB, I'll bite, no wait, should I google it first, ahh fuck it, go on then, what's a VB stubby?

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  57. It's probably not that exciting but its a beer that I used to drink when I lived in Oz and one that Noel mentions a fair bit in his post.

    Well done Trotts for your win over Arsenal on Sunday and I was genuinely disappointed that you didn't get to the FA final (that's a polite way of saying, i'm sorry Bolton were thrashed by Stoke)

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  58. and I'm genuinely disappointed that Chelsea are gonna win fuck all this season, Bells. That's just a polite way of saying I'm genuinely disappointed that Chelsea are gonna win fuck all this season, Bells.

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  59. Thank you for your heartfelt words Trotts,

    Sadly I have to admit that Arsenal have outdone us on not winning fuck all for a few seaons now

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  60. ** or should that be winning fuck all

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  61. well, Bolton have outdone nearly everybody in that department, fortunately we have high hopes but very low expectations!

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  62. when it comes to footie you think i know fuck nothing but let me tell you i know fuck all!

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  63. Despite manager Arsene Wenger's pleas for him to renew his contract, Arsenal assistant boss Pat Rice may be forced to retire as he struggles to manage a chronic knee problem.
    Full story: Daily Mail

    does Arsene want him in the back four?

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  64. he only wants to keep him because he thinks he's french, trott - Patrice

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  65. Despite manager Arsene Wenger's pleas for him to renew his contract, Arsenal assistant boss Pat Rice may be forced to retire as he struggles to manage a chronic knee problem.
    Full story: Daily Mail



    Is there a grain of truth in that story?

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  66. be a nice job for Butch Wilkins. How does one say "Butch" in French?

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  67. it's a load of ligament, cartiledge and meniscus if you ask me, Bells.

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  68. he'll be alright if he just rests his leg on a pilau

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  69. gouine, trott, as in "up the gouiners!"

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  70. it was meant to be then Blog!

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  71. Send Pat Rice up to Port Vale. (wouldn't want them to starve)

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  72. Send Tony Curry up too.


    Sorry, I didn't really mean to make such a meal of it.

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  73. Crap, it was supposed to be Tony Currie.

    Ah well, it all sounds/tastes the same.

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  74. and Northants cricket legend Alan Lamb. Then they could have Lamb, Currie with Rice!

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  75. I bet Bloggys Naan knows Tony Curry

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  76. Send them a coca Kolo Toure to wash it all down and they'll be well sorted.

    Plus I hear he's got some decent gear too, who needs grub when you've got good shit.

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  77. kate middleton likely to be the first QILF

    have it off with her head!

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  78. Not me, I'm way to shallow I'm afraid.

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  79. bhb - no but she once sold patrick a berger and marc an overmarsbar

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  80. Mourinho wound 'em up and they responded with the sort of on the floor writhing that wouldnt pass muster in a Ken Russell film. Disappointing. Mind you Real were absolute schalke. Messi goals were class but even that doesn't stop you thinking that we'd be better to call the next leg El Cynico.

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  81. yes, robbo, but would you fuck kate middleton, thats the burning question?

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  82. blogdignag said...
    yes, robbo, but would you fuck kate middleton, thats the burning question?


    Maybe he already ahs Bloggy and that't why he's not answering, he's probably got a super-duper injunction out on her so she doesn't spill the beans on their relationship.


    -------------



    The Tees Mouth said...
    Mourinho wound 'em up and they responded with the sort of on the floor writhing that wouldnt pass muster in a Ken Russell film.


    Mmm Mourinho, that name sounds familiar- any chance you could put up a photo of him so we all know who you mean


    Off home now, enjoy the long weekend anyone who can and if Arsenal/Man U could see their way to a nil-nil draw and Spurs lose by 5-0 that would be great. Other than that hope your teams win

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  83. "way2shalloway2holland"

    he he.

    ---
    Indeed Robbo, Real were real shit, I enjoyed watching Ronaldo doing the birdy dance in the first half when he realised that none of his team mates dared to venture over the half way line, but Maureens teams have always been geared to be defencive.

    Pepe's sending off may seem to many to have been a bit harsh, but it looked like a bad tackle to me. On the other hand Dani Alves deserves to be kicked every now and again for being such a diving cheating twat.
    The Special 1 shouldn't feel to hard done by though, Marcello should of had his marching orders for that stamp in the box, and speaking of stamp collectors Adepaymemore should of gone too.
    I see UEFA are looking in to what Jose has said, that do well to also look into the Sergio Busquets (he looks more like a cake to me) incident. For rolling around on the ground clutching his face when he cleary hadn't been touched is deserved of at least a one match ban or a letter of recomendation to the people at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

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  84. * Spurs lose by 5-0 - apologies to Noel and Co, would much rather you get 4th spot than Citeh but while there is the tiniest weeniest slightest (well probably no) hope that if Man U balls up a couple of times, we could just sneak in and win the title

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  85. Seems it was Pedro that deserved the oscar and not Busquets, I was so eager to use my cake line I wasn't gonna let the truth get in the way.

    *phone rings with a job offer from NOTW*

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  86. And you thought Arsene signed them young;

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-13224130

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  87. how many PILFs have there been already?

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  88. I agree H2, Real could easily have been down to 8 men.

    Although Barca's attempts to influence the referee's decisions were unsporting to say the least (I think this is pretty normal for continental football) they were the only team at the Bernabeu playing football and deserved their two goal lead going into the second leg.

    Sorry guys but there is no way I would support Un**ed against any team... especially just because they are an English team against a bunch of foreigners.

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  89. Hells, I would imagine (probably for the first time in your life) you will be supporting Arsenal this week.

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  90. Why would anyone want to hack into Rooney's phone? Anyone that signs off "Thx for all ur support" can't have anything worth reporting on surely.

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  91. Bells!!! Speak of her, and she shall come! VB stubbys at your local supermarket - dreams can come true. I've often been sat in front of the tv watching the rugby league with a cool VB in hand, thinking to myself 'What the hell am I going to drink when I go back home?' The choices are piss weak Budweiser, or piss weak Millers, or Heineken which literally stinks of piss when it's bottled and not on tap (we only get bottled or canned beer in the Falklands - no draught). I had the same predicament once after I'd spent a month in Germany drinking a beautiful local lager called Jever, but by some miracle, when I got home the supermarket (there's only one) was experimenting with foreign beers and had cases of Jever on sale. They were all 6 months out of date, and tasted like shite, but I bought as many cases as I could afford, just for the happy memories.

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  92. Let's have no talk of Bells coming please Noel.

    Where is everyone?... must be watching the wedding, you bunch of royalists you.

    I can proudly state that I have avoided the TV like the plague today.

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  93. Telly ain't on here Bo, I'd put the remote through it otherwise. I'm just busy working right now. Work till midday and then knock off down the pub for the rest of the day, having avoided the wedding bollocks.

    Laters all :)

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  94. as good an explanation as any

    http://175proof.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/image001.jpg

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  95. and to all those fuckers enjoying a day off and the upcoming bank holiday while the rest of us have to move our asses to work...

    UP YOURS!

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  96. Thanks Spit... no day off over here mate.

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  97. how goes Bo?

    Still enjoying your walks down the beach, ol mate?

    all well in the land down under? Guess winter must be getting real.

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  98. I haven't walked at the beach for around 12 months now... I'm l;osing weight by not eating as much... either that or I have cancer.

    Yep winter is drawing in... it was only 26 degrees today.

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  99. I might watch it in the hope Kate falls on her arse or the queen farts or summat

    Vice la Republique! Just joking that will never happen, we like the soap opera element of maintaining this dozy bunch of half wits but christ what are we, children that need parental authority figures? I'm ok with it as some kind of Englandland historical reenactment/pageant from the past but these overprivileged cunts get above themselves sometimes and they breed like the feckless council housed single mothers I'm sure they hold in such contempt and at hugely greater expense to the public purse. Queen and heirs, well ok this is England and we do things differently here (no one would invent the monarchy if it didn't exist) and the thought of the far greater cunt Cameron as president makes me vomit, so long as we keep them as obedient pets ill live with the revolting connotations of the hereditary principle and the whole its not what you know its who you know way this fucking country, and to be honest practically every fucking country, is run. What I would like to see is a cull of the too many of them chinless minor royals in the form of a pheasant shoot, I volunteer as a beater to flush them out for the process with 12 bore shotguns. End of rant.

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  100. Eh look luv I've bagged a brace of minor royals.
    Ooo look Beatrice and eugenie ill out them in the freezer.

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  101. Blogs said "sometimes and they breed like the feckless council housed single mothers I'm sure they hold in such contempt and at hugely greater expense to the public purse".

    Did you hear Morrissey's comments on them recently?

    "Why would I watch the wedding? Why would I watch it? I couldn't take any of that seriously. I don't think the so-called royal family speak for England now and I don't think England needs them. I do seriously believe that they are benefit scroungers and nothing else. I don't believe they serve any purpose whatsoever.

    "The press reports from Buckingham Palace tell you that people love them, but go out now and speak to people on the street and they will laugh at you. They really will."

    My sentiments too. I wish them well tho ;)

    ReplyDelete
  102. Mostly, I am far away enough away for them to be no bother... the only time I get riled is when they send the arseholes over here to saunter around the country at my expense.

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  103. Bo, not really mate but I just read this by Tim garton ash and agree with every word - bankers and media moguls are a bigger problem so I'd add them to the pheasant shoot of modern evils. SAF, Jim gannon, Michael macintyre, lee bower, my boss and Jordan would also be in there of course

    http://m.guardian.co.uk/ms/p/gnm/op/shqY5KjYXmo-XrKS0oKE_6g/view.m?id=15&gid=commentisfree/2011/apr/28/democracy-wills-kate-president-blair&cat=commentisfree

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  104. MNR - morrisey for president!

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  105. fall out from tevez's dodgy mercenary money grubbing might cost qpr promotion, serves them right

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  106. anyone else notice he had his fingers crossed behind his back when he said "forsaking all others"?

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  107. My favourite line by the priest was "Matrimony was made by god so ye may reproduce, so those children may fear him". Beautiful and touching at the same time

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  108. Prince Philip has chosen the ritz hotel Paris as the honeymoon venue ....

    the rising genius of Konnolsky at...http://konnolsky.tumblr.com/

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  109. They're even mentioning the bloody royal wedding on sky sports news. I can't get away from it anywhere.

    Morning all.

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  110. The only time I want to see that on Sky Sports is if the 2012 Olympic archery team are practising in the street outside as they leave in the horse drawn carriage. Now that would be worth paying the subscription for.

    ReplyDelete
  111. When did Eugene grow them?

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  112. And by 'them', I mean tits.

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  113. she grew them in a pot Noel

    Af'noon Colch

    I think Mourinho has gone too far this time. Bbc radio wouldn't report it yesterday because they said it was dripping with sour grapes and bad sportsmanship. I was annoyed but now I know what he said I agree with them

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  114. Wedding, what wedding?

    Over here it's Queensday tomorrow, which basically means it's legal to sell your old crap in the street without a permit and everybody gets drunk.

    ReplyDelete
  115. Afternoon Blog. I do think Real Madrid are right about Barca players faking injury and trying to influence the referee.

    And I've worked out what it is that makes Messi so good. He's lucky.

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  116. You're right of course colch but real were the same v spurs gurning ans diving like stukas and yes messi is one lucky boy

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  117. It's them foreigners blog. You know them ones what come from foreignland over the water. They can't be trusted. None of them. They all dive and cheat and roll around on the floor. Back in the good old days there was none of that. Not until them foreginers started playing football. You wouldn't catch Steven Gerrard or Wayne Rooney diving or cheating. Oh hang on a minute.....

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  118. Blog, Timothy Garton Ash has a point I agree. There are not many palatable options outside of a Monarchy. It is fine down here, we just have a representative of HM (mind you he almost brought about a civil war back in the 70's), so they don't bother us at all.

    I still think a compassionate dictator is the ideal. The problem is finding someone born of woman who could handle that much power without becoming corrupt.

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  119. I think Barca's behaviour on the pitch the other night was disgraceful and unsporting to say the least. I think the same could be said of Mourhino during and after the match. I had a lot of respect for Mourhino and what he has achieved as a manager but I think he had gone too far with his comments about Barca both before and after the match. He will be an ideal replacement for ol' rednose when he finally retires.

    Pepi may have been a bit unlucky to have been sent off although the tackle definately deserved a card; some ref's would have given a yellow others a red no matter who the opposition. Like H2, I felt that Marcello and Adebeyor were lucky to have stayed on the pitch.

    The thing is Bareca were the team that went out there to win and outplayed Real in all facets of the game in doing so.

    It all makes for an interesting second leg.

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  120. New video from Real Madrid showing that Pepe didn't actually touch Alves and that Busquets is a cheating twat.......

    http://www.101greatgoals.com/videodisplay/real-madrid-images-show-pepe-did-not-touch-alves-9165133/

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  121. Here is a link mainly for Arsenal fans.

    http://theworldgame.sbs.com.au/les-murray/blog/1054131/The-Wenger-question

    I know you are an admirer Trott but I don't think this article is for you.

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  122. That does seem to show that there was little contact (wont say none) Col. Alves made a meal of it no doubt.

    On the other side of things there are these that could easily have been red.

    http://vodpod.com/watch/7318767-marcelo-stamp-on-pedro-real-madrid-barcelona

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvgBVOZGtZY

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  123. I have finally booked my flight to dear old blighty.

    I was hoping to catch a game at either the Emirates or Brisbane Road but the way things have turned out I wont be in London on any weekend so that idea is buggered up.

    ReplyDelete
  124. those stiffs in Westminster abbey were only just barely Alive werent they my cricket bat is less wooden

    If that's the price of being rich privileged and well connected-and it is- then shove it Britain I've just gone out and got pissed pissed with a bunch of under privileged nuttrs God Save the Queen hic.

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  125. Bo, I enjoy a bit of bias journalism as much as the next bloke. He missed out cahill, he's a decent footballer. Best thing the rest of our ragamuffins have going for them this year is that they play for each other.

    I love the Royal family me, so much so in fact, that I'm hoping Camilla gets the Arsenal job!

    ReplyDelete
  126. HAha Trott... Camilla for Arsenal. Not a bad option actually. She'd have 'em horsing around on the training pitch I bet. Get rid of the Frenchies and add a bit of the good ol' Bulldog spirit too.

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  127. As far as I can see, the only possible solution available to UEFA over this whole Barca/Real situation is to kick them both out, have a Spurs v Shaktar semi final and let Bells have José cool down in one of her station's holding cells while she plays good cop/bad cop with him.

    ReplyDelete
  128. ah the frenchies.. aint they luverly?

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-13236864

    ReplyDelete
  129. Arsenal are being linked with a summer move for Cologne's German international striker Lukas Podolski.

    ---

    he's scored shit loads of goals but mainly plays on a wing. Not exactly the player we need.

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  130. Wolves boss Mick McCarthy has admitted he cannot even go to the toilet without thinking about their relegation battle. "I have sat on the toilet and dwelt on it, and stood at the toilet and dwelt on it. It has never left me," said McCarthy, whose side are 19th in the table with 33 points from 34 games, one point off Blackpool in 17th.
    ---

    constipation? its a bummer.

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  131. We don't often get the players we need Spit, not always the players we want either.

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  132. How must old nando be feeling..after all thats been said and done, the old combo of drogs, anelka and kalou get the winning goal.

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  133. So the Chavs get given a goal that didn't cross the line and another that was offside but probably should've had a penalty in the second half that wasn't given so it should've been 1-1. Harry was remarkably restrained in his post match comments. I think if the Chavs are going to have the same luck for the rest of the season it might be worth a few quid on them for the title. And how funny would it be for ManUre to finish the season with no trophy if Chelsea catch them in the league and Barca stuff them at Wembley. The only problem is that I can't possibly support a team with Cashley, Terry and Drogba in it so don't want them to win the league.

    ReplyDelete
  134. Port Vale   7 - 2   Morecambe


    Well done boys, now its too late, top job. Plonkers.

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  135. It's pretty hard Col I'll agree but look at the alternative, supporting a team that has Rooney, Ferdinand and whole host of slightly lesser arseholes.

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  136. Wenger is a shit manager, who got lucky.

    He inherited the spine of a team, and discovered a winger who turned out to be a top striker and Viera.

    It's time for him to piss or get off the pot.

    I've said it before and I'll say it again, Wenger is locked in a loveless marriage with Pat Butcher (nee rice) that has become increasingly abusive.

    ReplyDelete
  137. They are getting a divorce eeore, it is rumoured that Pat is leaving him.

    ReplyDelete
  138. BojanglesOfOz said...
    It's pretty hard Col I'll agree but look at the alternative, supporting a team that has Rooney, Ferdinand and whole host of slightly lesser arseholes.
    ----------------------------------

    Unfortunately Bo I've got to go with the slightly lesser arseholes. Much as I hate ManUre having Mr Potato Head up front it doesn't cancel out the total arseholeness at stamford bridge.

    ReplyDelete
  139. As David Coleman nearly said, John Terry has a habit of pulling it out when it matters the most

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  140. "Toshack's leg was just not long enough"

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  141. And my favourite...

    Britain's Olympic Gold medallist.....Daley Cathlon.

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  142. He's running the club as a financial analyst....if only he'd put some heart into it....

    With all the cash at his disposal, all he needs to do is buy two yeti(s) for defence,a mascherano look-alike for holding the mid-field and a man-enough goalie , n force these blokes to drink the 'team chemistry' formula in the pre-season....and lo , you have a team worth competing with the other giants !

    ReplyDelete
  143. like Ronald Reagan, the first Arsene was assassinated and replaced with a lookylikey. the old Ronnie was installed as arsenal manager after reanimation and ipcress preconditioning by SAF

    well that's the only explanation I can come up with for the double miracle - all that success up to 2005 then tippy tappy stranger to success

    ReplyDelete
  144. (kate bush plaintive wail)

    I still dweam
    if Jim gannon...
    I wake up cwying

    ReplyDelete
  145. He's won two doubles Blog. Not one.

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  146. and today, we are gonna help* chelsea's bid to retain the title by beating the manure on our state of the art pitch.





    *caution to chelsea, dont leave hanging on arsenal's help. they are useless.

    ReplyDelete
  147. Spit - heehee

    but was the second double the Boston strangler? (another famous choker)

    ReplyDelete
  148. many opinions have been proferred and suggestions made to alleviate the woes of that perenially nearly-but-not-quite Tantalus of the footballing world, Arsene (snigger) Wenger. Heres mine :

    Orthopaedic shoes.

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  149. orthopaedic shoes and a touchline horse whisperer to stroke his face and mumble calm things in his ear

    ReplyDelete
  150. orthopaedic shoes, a horse whisperer and a snow white costume (as catharsis: he's GOT to get those dwarf sex fantasies out if his system so he can start employing normal size human men again)

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  151. orthopaedic shoes, a personal horse whisperer, snow white cozzie and let's not forget a pair of fucking glasses

    ReplyDelete
  152. You better add shorter pockets to his suits blog, so he can reach his cash in order to buy a player or two.

    ReplyDelete
  153. can they pull one off here ?

    C'mon arsenal

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  154. For fuck sake Foy.

    CLEAR Hand ball by Vidic.

    ReplyDelete
  155. Yet another penalty not given against Un**ed. Vidic deliberately handled. Couold have seen red for it too.

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  156. United unbeaten in 18 matches where Chris Foy has played, sorry, refereed before this one.

    Keeping hte proud tradition alive I see

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  157. For fuck Foy,

    now he's even intercepting passes on ManU's behalf

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  158. For Fuck Foy: Manchester United's best player for the 1st half.

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  159. Once again Arsenal had most of the play without looking dangerous up front. Did Anderson come on late in the first half? He was mentioned for the first time at the 41st minute.

    ReplyDelete
  160. He's certainly made more interceptions than a number of Un**ed players Spit.

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  161. well done arsenal. But did you notice what kind of shoes Arsene was wearing? Took my advice.

    Go Chelsea!

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  162. Pride restored!! Fantastic effort on the pitch by the team led by Robin van Persie. Aaron Ramsey - the hero of the day!!!

    Who needs Cesc Fabregas after all???

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  163. Finally, the Chris foy-SAF-UNICEF-barca-uefa conspiracy against truth and fairness has been defeated

    ReplyDelete
  164. that being a sarky ref to the Owen penalty that wasnt given

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  165. A penalty disallowed apiece... fair enough I guess. We still cant win the league but it feels great to beat the bastards.... a deserved win too

    GO Chelsea.

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  166. After the Vidic hand ball in the first half, which if seen was a penalty and a straight red, I thought it was gonna be another one of those days. But a gritty performance insured that we got the three points that keeps the title race alive and leaves us once again contemplating what might of been.
    Wuth Utd chasing the game in the last 2o minsm I feel AW made a big mistake by replacing Walcott with Eboue, surely Theo is the kind of player that you'd want on the field when the opposition are throwing everything forward in search of an equaliser.
    Aaron and Jack looked good together in midfield, good to see the former getting into his stride, I see the future of the club in this pairs hands.

    I appreciate that the ref tried to let the game flow by not blowing for every little niggle, but he really should learn to watch the game better and get the fuck outta the way every now and then.

    ReplyDelete
  167. Bo, mathmatically we still can win the league, but even the most half glass full having optimist inside of me can't see it happening.
    But, you never know!?!!??!!

    Ah fuck it, who am I trying to kid.

    ReplyDelete
  168. to tell you the truth, performances like this one are what replace my anger at some of the cock-ups with the bitterness of what coul have, should have been...

    any road, I'll savour this with a couple of cold ones.

    ReplyDelete
  169. Well played trotts sir..you got the better off me by 7 points in a well fought game. took a gamble playing roger johnson and ben foster thinking they would keep a clean sheat against wolves, but trotts had obviously paid off foster.

    After briefly danglingin the top 5 for a few weeks, now a struggle to finish the season in the top 15. Ah well, in true scouse fashion, there's always next season I suppose.

    Speaking of which, I cant hardly believe we're in 5th spot right now. I hope Spurs overtake us though. Apart from the brief joy at playing in Europe, all the Europa league does is tire/injure players and affect your PL results. It's not like it means shit to anyone, even if you do win the trophy.

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  170. We can H2... but it would need both Chelsea to lose two games and Un**ed need to lose all three or at least lose 2 and draw 1). Chelsea could possibly lose two of their next three but there is no way Un**ed will. They play Blackburn away and Blackpool at home after hosting Chelsea.

    No, we can only sit and contemplate what could have been.

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  171. I get worried when we play like we did last night. I worry that Wenger may start to believe again that we do not need to buy players.

    I think we played so freely and positively because the pressure had been lifted from the players. The younguns were able to play unrestrained.

    For what it is worth, I think ol' red nose got his tactics wrong last night. He used pretty much the same tactics that he did against Shalke. Sat back, soaked up the pressure and tried to hit us on the counter. It had been successful against us in the past admittedly but we were more prepared for it this time.

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  172. Despite admitting the presence of naivety in his squad, Wenger maintains he does not need to make major additions in the summer.
    ======================================================

    As I said earlier, I fear him thinking he doesn't need to buy. Arsene you do need major additions this summer, you needed them last summer and in the January window too.

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  173. AH - no it's ok, you take 5th spot. We don't want it. With the squad we have now (plus the world class striker and safer keeper we should buy this summer!), and a season without European distractions, we could mount a pretty serious challenge to the top of the league. If we can't finish 4th, then I'd rather we finished 6th.

    COME ON CHELSEA!!!

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  174. So the Yanks have got Osama at last. Unconfirmed reports state that his dying words were 'Come on Chelsea. I fucking hate Utd. That Fergie is a right nasty piece of work.' And he should know.

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  175. Seeing as how he was an avid Arsenal fan, least Osama bin Laden died a happy man after the 1:0 win over Manchester United.

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  176. I hear Donald Trump is demanding to see the death certificate

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  177. I'm more concerned about the deaths of Ted lowe and enry cooper


    RIP

    ReplyDelete
  178. Bush always promised to dance on his grave ....

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  179. Fuck me the BBCs Pakistani Homes Under the Hammer team moved quickly .." the frontage has been restored and while the property retains its 'terrorist kingpin hideout' feel, the interiors have been updated to modern standards of comfort, including - nice touch this - an internet connection "

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  180. yeah, always thought the Grand Designs was a good enough program as they featured the HOUSE WITH THE 14 FEET HIGH WALLS RIGHT NEXT TO PAKISTAN'S VERSION OF THE SANDHURST; EQUIPPED WITH BARBED WIRES RUNNING THE PERIMITER AND SECURITY CAMERAS left something wanting in its lack of internet and a telephone land line.

    but the BBC are in a class of their own.

    ReplyDelete
  181. Chelsea defender John Terry has claimed that overhauling Manchester United at the top of the Premier League this season would rank up there with his biggest achievements in the game. After a 2-1 win against Tottenham on Saturday, Chelsea moved to within three points of United, who lost 1-0 at Arsenal on Sunday.
    ---

    yes, winning the league would rank up there with his greatest achievement ever, erm, winning the league.

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  182. Frank de Bleeckere, one of the five referees who had their credibility queried by Real Madrid boss Jose Mourinho in his rant last Wednesday, has been awarded the potentially explosive Champions League semi-final, second leg between Barcelona and Real at the Nou Camp on Tuesday night.
    ---

    uefa do know how to handle criticism, dont they?

    ReplyDelete
  183. This just in: Elton John to sing at Bin Laden's funeral his reworked, "Sandals in the Bin.."

    ReplyDelete
  184. Why did Osama need an internet connection?
    He never tweeted nor did he post any comments on McNulty's blog. I also wonder if Osama had a Facebook account.

    ReplyDelete
  185. Spit its the old hide somewhere really obvious and no one will think of looking for you there trick, which really isn't working for torres either

    ReplyDelete
  186. he had internet, SS, but his wife complained when he become hooked to 72 virgins in paradise niche porn for terrorists

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  187. the 72 virgins porn niche is a niche because apparently, they dont know what they are doing.

    an arab friend once told me that the word for virgin is also sometimes used for a 'raisin'.

    imagine the latest suicide bomber arriving in heaven and being presented a bowl of raisins, the horror...

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