The Hurt of Moyes

A very enjoyable midweek Match of the Day on Wednesday and one man outshone all others. The Biter, the Baiter, the Bugsy Bad Boy is in the sort of form that you only really ever see in your dreams. So successful is he at throttling Canaries that Sylvester must be up there somewhere in cartoon heaven praying that Luis finds Tweety Pie's address.

When I was growing up, hat-tricks got scored by nimble goal-scroungers who loitered around the six-yard box like itinerant workers hang around outside Wickes. Opportunists, they were - your Mullers and Linekers - not doing a scrap of work elsewhere and then popping up just when you'd forgotten that they were on the pitch.

These days your hat-trick heroes don't some much sniff out a chance as construct on from their own imaginations. You seriously get the impression that Messi, Ronaldo and Suarez could score at almost any time they fancied it.

Take Suarez's quartet on Wednesday night. Admittedly this was against Norwich City defence still shell-shocked from previous encounters with the Nibbler, and which therefore gave the Uruguayan the sort of room you might give an elephant with diarrhoea.

Nevertheless, each one was a work of art. The first a searing volleyed lob that left John Ruddy flailing so badly there was a bit of Seaman in the despairing lunge. Ahem. The second a bit more of a Gerd Muller, but a tricky finish made to look so simple. The third a ludicrous Gazzaesque lob and control followed by a beautifully controlled half-volley drive. The fourth just your run-of-the-mill 25-yard free kick.

And you have to be one helluva player to set up a chance that even Raheem Sterling can't miss.

It strikes me that despite the praise ladled in the direction of the Suarez-Sturridge combo, Luis is even better when he has to do more of the work himself. This is good and bad news for Rodgers. Yes I know the Reds coped well while Suarez spent the first few games licking his wounds (I think maybe he should've been licking Ivanovic's too). They weren't exactly tearing teams apart, mind you. Lots of George Grahamesque 1-0s if I remember rightly.

I make in 13 goals in 10 starts since his Nibs returned. I never thought I'd write this but it's a pleasure to have him around this season. You can't help wondering if the Something Stupid he might do is just around the corner. But till then, enjoy. He's utterly brilliant.

A blissful week all round for the city of Liverpool then, particularly the blue half of what was briefly known as Moyesyside. Bryan Oviedo's 86th winner against Manchester United finally rid Everton of 21 years of failure in the Theatre of Dreams. That it should happen while their manager of 11 years is in charge of the opposition is a deliciously cruel piece of irony.

It's easy to suggest that Moyes always treated this fixture too negatively when he was in charge of the Toffees and that's why Everton could never win. Easy cos by and large it's true. The Old Puce Glasgae Father Figure rather intimidated everyone, not least his heir apparent.

Martinez isn't walking around in anyone's shadow. Everton, with Lukaku roaming the front line like a great caged lion, and the likes of Barkley and Deulofeu being given their heads despite their youth, are playing fine and attractive football with not a backward step involved.

Mind you, Martinez has inherited a better team. Moyes is picking through the debris of Fergie's leftovers. I still don't have a clue how these lads lifted a trophy last season. Vidic and Ferdinand are done for. The likes of Nani and Young float around the fringes like tatty decorations that haven't been taken down after the Christmas party.

The midfield looked bare before Moyes arrived. Fellaini looks back to his stompingly clumsy worst. Giggs is looking more like Corporal Jones in there (Don't Panic!). Cleverly is neat and tidy and tepid. Anderson might never be anything and Carrick's calmness is actually being hugely missed. Kagawa could help if played in the right position. It's all very average.

I'd love to watch a United game whilst simultaneously watching a temperature gauge attached beneath Wayne Rooney's top-weave. The Toxteth Terror seems to be seething and steaming more and more these days as he wages a one-man campaign to get some uplift into United's season. As I have noted before, it might be good for England that Rooney is learning to play well in a pretty shite team right now.

But Wazza - good though he is - is not a Suarez, not even a Bale. He cannot keep saving a middling team with one moment of inspiration even if every time he strikes a dead ball at the moment you think there might be something in it for his team.

Van Persie's return will further paper over the cracks but Moyes has a transfer window of massive importance coming up. And I'm jiggered if I can see who might want to join a midtable outfit with little chance of making the Champions League this season. Even Leighton Baines might prefer to stay put - unless Oviedo keeps him out of the team of course.

Footnote: Australian readers might be disappointed at my lack of coverage of the Ashes cricket series. Well for the winter this will remain almost exclusively a football blog. Unless England get their shit together.