Commonwealth? It's Bad For Your Health!

Well here’s an opportunity if ever there was one. The sort of chance that even Fatty 'I've Got A Head Like A Bowling Ball' Yakubu could tap home.

The organisers in Delhi appear to have mucked up big time. And muck’s the right word. Collapsing bridges, dirty sinks, animals footprint everywhere – doesn’t India realise they are about to play host to the cream of world sport?

Well I say cream – it’s not even semi-skimmed, is it? Not one athlete worth his Bolt has bothered to incorporate this swollen appendix on the corpse of the British Empire into his busy schedule.

The Commonwealth Games is bloody pointless. The only reason it’s there is to flannel the egos of sportsmen and women who might otherwise only set foot on a podium as a stunt double. All we’ll have to look forward to is Sue Barker saying crap like ‘And more medal news – and it’s good news for Huyton as Phil No-Mark has just bagged the silver in the 20mm pistol summat or other. He was just pipped by a one-eyed narcoleptic Fijian fella.’

I hear some spokesmen for the England team assure us that these really are important Games – for example the top three netball teams in the world will be competing. Netball. That’s the game where you have to stand still when you’ve got the ball. Basketball but without the bouncing or running or fun (unless you’re the sort of bloke that gets moved on from the perimeter fences of school tennis courts all too frequently).
State of the art equipment as featured in many a British comprehensive school

And any road, for Chrissakes do we really need a massive substandard shindig just so so lanky birds can play pat-a-cake? Let ‘em have the World Netball Champs and have done with it.

The Commonwealth Games is to the Olympics as my grandson Wilf is to Usain Bolt. It’s like what the Olympics would be like if it was sponsored by Primark. It is the Pound Shop of major international sporting competitions.

And now Delhi have provided us all with the excuse we needed. Finish the damn thing.

My first reaction to hearing that the athletes’ village was a bit substandard was ‘Great’. British sportspeople are always telling us how shite our country’s facilities are so surely they’ll be used to it. Might even give them the edge over them pampered, over-sportified Aussies.

But now I’ve seen the pictures and they look like they’ve been sent in to Watchdog by some irate holidaymakers. I’ve got visions of Nicky Campbell staring into my lounge through my telly screen with his ‘concerned’ face on. Shudder.
He’s a kind of TV Blair. You suspect he means it, so you’re bewildered as to how he can come across so fake.
Why haven’t the Indian authorities got their shit together before now? (Unless the shit they’ve got together is being rammed down every available bog and plughole in the athletes village and that looks feasible).

One of the problems is that all the tiptop construction workers of India are working for tuppence a week for the wealthy lovelies of Dubai. These blokes could erect a skyscraper quicker than a teenager’s todger.

But in all seriousness I dunno why it’s such a bleeding mess. And judging by the emergency meetings convened by India’s leading politicians – neither do they.
It’s not a good time for the reputation of the Asian subcontinent – although I’ve never much rated that phrase. ‘Subcontinent’ makes it sound like it’s not quite up to the rest of the landmass. Pakistan’s cricketers have, I think, finally departed our shores although I wouldn’t bet on it.

Of course an unholy row has broken out now after the aptly named Ijaz Butt – given that most of his orations come out of his backside – responded to the pressure by saying England’s players were throwing matches, according to some bookies he’d spoken to.

Not sure you should be telling the world you've been chatting to bookies after what’s been going on, Ijaz, but y’know, as the laser-witted yoof of today might put it, ‘Whatever!’

Of course it’s nonsense and the England team have reacted with upper lips stiffened and jaws jutted. ‘What us? Cheating? How dare you!? Next you’ll be telling us we rub dirt on to the ball to affect its ability to swing! Tsk!’

Of course Butt was resorting to the first rule of playground debate which is to adopt the ‘So what, you’re just as bad’ argument which is silly cos (a) he has no evidence and (b) whatever you think of Pakistani cricket – and there are some bloody wonderful players of the game even in the latest batch – the fact is that when it comes to corruption and in-fighting they are without peers.

Some might argue that the Carling Cup is the Commonwealth Games to the FA Cup’s Olympian status. Especially if you live on Miseryside. But I warm to the competition more and more each year. Top teams don’t go all out to win it, and teams from lower divisions trot out on to the pitch with the mantra of ‘Just enjoy yourself, lads’ so you tend to get very open and decent games of footy.

It really looks like Moyes and Hodgson have got their work cut out, mind. The Toffees bought Beckford but can’t buy a goal – I think those two things are linked somehow. And if you want to know why Liverpool are going to win nowt this season just look at the rest of the squad on show v Northampton. There’s more depth in Wayne Rooney’s thought processes.

Whatever you do put October 17th in your diary. It’s the Merseyside derby and you will want to miss it. Oh and I think that’s the day that the Delhi plumber’s popping by to fix Tom Daley’s cistern.
'Probably going to take a coupla weeks mate, but don't worry, I know some eight-year-olds who could do it in a day'