Ich bin ein Berliner

Well we can safely say the World Cup has revved into gear now we've got shot of Dommenech's enfants terrible, Lippi's pensioners and Capello's crocks of cack. Four good quarter-finals featuring plenty of grown men in tears - always a sign that things have been right tense.
NB How many England players were reaching for the man-size tissues after the Germany game? (Yeah, yeah, 'course it matters to you, boys).

Of course, the team of the tournament has been Germany. And naturally that means a bunch of lazy, half-baked analysis by the couch potatoes of MotD which has amounted to this:
Hansen: 'Great game-plan...'
Shearer: 'Organised, know their roles...'
Dixon: 'Yeah, what Alan said, erm... and what Alan said.'

They were a stone's throw away from saying 'They were only obeying orders and vorksprung durch technik.'


I am helping you to find your inner German, lads

Fact is the German team has shown more collective flair and dash than the rest of the teams put together. The fourth goal was a thing of beauty and had it been Messi to Tevez to Higuain we'd have been hearing all sorts of bollocks about how your Latin Americans can open tins of luncheon meat with one peg while constructing a matchstick model of the Casa Rosada with the other.

Look, this is the same German team that were only denied last time by a rare bit of devilry upfront from Del Piero and co and got to the final in Euro 2008. There's this idea that we can 'never discount the Germans' because they are deviously pre-programmed for success, when actually they just happen to have some seriously talented players who play well as a team.

The revelation has been Pigsticker (or Pigmounter) who we first saw being a snarling platinum blonde prima donna a few years back - a kind of German Pink minus the talent. This tournament, perhaps freed from the ponderous Barryesque plodder that is Michael Ballack, Schweinsteiger has been pulling the strings like a Prussian Xavi.

The new Schweinsteiger memorial statue

(By the way, since we pronounce that name 'Chavvy', isn't it inevitable that Chelsea will snap him up? Although extending that logic, Spurs and Arsenal will be fighting over Ponce's signature).

Can the Germans lift the trophy? Well Trochowski's a bit Mueller Lite so that might harm their chances but with Klose still defying the logic of club form in a way that might give Michael Owen renewed hope, and Ozil proving to be the best young player in South Africa, well, yes. They can.

Especially in the light of another of them off-key Spanish performances. Why the hell is Del Bosque picking Torres? I'm seriously wondering whether it's Dave Kitson after having found a bottle of Just For Men. His demeanour and movement remind me of Chrissy Waddle during his stint at Sunderland. Or Wayne Rooney in his last four games.

Still the Grattan catalogue coaching team of Germany will be crossing their fingers for Torres to turn up, even if he did terrify them two years ago.

I suppose the main thing is Spain have made it. The ref did right with both pens, although a retaken penalty is one of them sad jokes a ref likes to use just occasionally, like a foul throw, or a custodial sentence for possession of mairijuana. Yes, strictly speaking, it's wrong to encroach into the area at a spot-kick but really... who cares?

Iniesta's nous shone through in the end although clearly there's a rule in world football that if little ghostly Andres goes down, it's always a free kick. The lad's got the Becks knack of winning free-kicks for absolutely bugger-all and cos he's a player I love it's beginning to really rankle.

Of course the Spanish trump card is David 'Don't call me Aston' Villa. The lad's lethal.

Holland will win the other semi-final, no doubt. Beating Brazil was a right turn-up. Felipe Melo treating Robben like a discarded fag-end wasn't. That lads got more screws loose than a disorganised B and Q.

And of course the tie of the round was Uruguay-Ghana. I didn't give a fig about it but what a momentous game.

It will always be remembered for that handball - for which well played, Suarez lad, If that'd been Rooney I'd have been thanking him too (although Wazza displayed the reflexes of a neutered cat coming round from the op so I doubt he'd've got anywhere near it).

Me, I'll remember it not so much for Gyam's miss as the one he took in the penalty shoot-out.

That's a whole continent you've let down there, son.

It didn't stop the poor lad's eyes from gushing like a burst BP pipe after they lost, but crikey for sheer enormity of bollock it's the most admirable thing I've seen on a footy pitch for a while. And not far behind was Abreu's preposterously brave dink to win it for Uruguay.

Somehow the thrill of Wimbers failed to distract me much. Particularly the lasses which unsurprisingly featured a Williams and a megadecibelled Russian shrieker in the final. And a bunch of cowering tennis balls begging not to be hit again by the great clomping Amazons. Can't these harridans pipe down when they're playing? It's tennis not bleeding childbirth.

Brazil were my tip for the title so it's all up for grabs now. And if Germany can keep playing like they are, I hope they win it. Jesus. I never, never thought I'd ever write that sentence.