Germany here we.. erm, dawdle

I keep thinking of Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction: 'Okay boys lets not start sucking each others dicks just yet.'

Yes, we were much better.

Defoe for Heskey was like butter for lard. A centre forward who scores. Novel.


Here's Jermain looking at a dodgy front two and hoping he can get in there and score.

Milner for Lennon was like Phil The Power Taylor for Cupid. Positively Beckhamesque delivery.

Upson for Carragher was like racehorse for donkey. The last ditch tackle was immaculate and I can't see the worthy doddering Scouse getting another bash at it.

Other than that they remembered some of the basics. Keep the ball, pass to each other and perhaps now they'll remember the other principle of the modern footballer, keep your press conferences bland.

Capello was hearty and tactile afterwards, and it looked a bit uncomfortable, like a boisterous uncle after a couple of pints.

And me? I made a stupid vow before the game. No booze and no fags until England lose. Bugger me if it didn't work. And now I've been ordered to keep it up.

So in order to support a great run for our boys I am prepared to put my wellbeing on the line. Not a B&H or a bass will pass me lips till we lose. And when I say no booze that includes wine, cider and even beer that you swig out of a bottle with a slice of lime in it like it were a campari or summat.

I'm not being a pessimist. I just don't reckon that next pint is far away.

Rooney isn't fit. You can see it. He was better than against Algeria but then a lump of igneous rock would have been an improvement. He lacks that instant movement and quickness of foot and mind (in a purely footballing sense) that a fully firing Wazza would have in spades.

Joe Cole's appearance was welcome but he's still got that kiddy mentality where he comes on and tries to do way too much too soon. He's like one of them numpties who joins a motorway and is weaving between cars before he's got off the slip road.

Barry gave Slovenia every chance to counter attack and mishit so many more passes than his midfield mates that I thought there was a divot stuck to his boot throughout the second half.

And we should've tonked six past them.

At least we won't have to listen to our boys whispering how difficult it is to be cooped up in one place with nothing to do when they're not training. There's a world outside Grand Theft Auto and beer and shagging the missus.

There are things called books. Terribly clever people have spent a long time writing them and they're like stories. Like The Hungry Caterpillar but even longer.

There are things like pens and paper. You could do pictures with them. Post them to the children. They might even send something back that looks like what it's supposed to look like.

You can create shapes with the paper if you can't remember which end of the pen to point at the paper. It's called origami. No Ashley you're getting confused - the Dutch fans are nicknamed the 'Orange Army'.

Which reminds me. Other people talk different to us. You can learn how to do it and it might help you get a job where they live.

Plus you know the crap you bung on your headphones. That doesn't just happen you know. People who make those noises learn how to play things called musical instruments. It's tricky at first but once you get the hang of it, you'll never get be boring again. Unless your name is Chris Martin. Or Dido.

There's also internet porn. But they know that. How can they be bored?

So there's a job lot of beer sitting under canvass in the back garden, just waiting for the sprightly Germans to send our back four scattering. They've got Terry Hall as skipper and a real star in Ozil. Plus they move it about the park in well nifty fashion like a slightly wooden Argentina.

It'd be nice to stick one up sneery Franz Beckenbauer's schnozz but I can't see one of them brews being called Schadenfraude come Sunday night.

I'm not being unpatriotic, and I'm not whingeing about a beer embargo (unlike our boys in Rustenberg) I'm just basing it on what we've seen so far.

'I can't vait for ze latest hilarious piss-take of vat is one of ze greatest pervormances IN ZINEMA HISTORY!!!'

Of course no one wants an English victory more than the Youtube subtitling fraternity of Downfall. It's going ot be endless, I tell you.