The Admirable Marky Dashford

That Daniel Rashford eh? One minute he's bigging up the trans community, the next he's getting the government to make a U-turn on their policy of hiding in big houses while poor children starve. 

Of course Twatt Mancock's a busy fella and it's easy to make mistakes. Like standing right next to someone in parliament when you've been banging on about social distancing for three whole months you dozy prick. Or like Turkish PPE. Amazing how we were lied to about the Turks coming into Europe in 2016 and now we're so desperate for cheap gloves and aprons that we'll buy any old shit off them. 

Still xenophobia is a go-to solution when you've run out of credibility. There's still a market for it, if we look at the Churchill-in-a-Fred-Perry-Looky-Likey Competition that occupied Parliament Square on Saturday. Sexy men though, eh? Everyone just ripe for the wank-bank, ladeez? Lager, hair-loss and spittle roughly thrown together in humanoid form. Lush. Mind you, don't let these Grim Gurgles of Reflux distract you from the racists who manipulate, inflame and then abdicate all responsibility.

Black Lives Matters is here to stay, I hope. As a response 'All Lives Matter' just makes me want to stove in the television. Here's an analogy that might appeal to your average Daily Telegraph bigot. 

Say you want to renovate a tumbledown mansion. And Kevin McCloud says to you "I expect you'll start with the foundations in the Great Hall: the damp course has been neglected and the floorboards are rotten." And you turn to Kevin McCloud and you say "Kevin, ALL THE ROOMS MATTER!" And Kevin says "Well, yes, but if you don't fix the foundations then the whole building's in trouble." And you say "ALL THE FLOORS MATTER, KEVIN!" And Kevin says "You're two of the biggest wankers I've ever met" and you say "ALL WANKERS MATTER, KEVIN." 

Now of course if you're a poor white person you might find it hard to understand why rich brown people like Raheem Sterling are getting all the attention. (By the way it's cos although he's extremely wealthy and very good at his job, people still shout obscenities at him). But of course while this is an issue of race it's also an issue of poverty.

Which brings us back to Marcus Radcliffe. 

Darcus Rashworth's greatest strength in all this - and by God if he can lead the line for England with the same skill and fortitude in 2021 I'll be grabbing the Queen by the ermine and demanding his knighthood be presented on the pitch there and then - but, yeah, his greatest strength is that he's been there and he hasn't forgotten. He was that hungry kid: raised by a devoted but hard-working single parent but without the recourse to family wealth that will no doubt help the children of other more notable absent fathers. Like PM Norris Johnstone. Jernstern treats difficult political issues like he does the offspring of his own carefree spaffing - he heads indoors and hides for a couple of weeks and reappears when Cummings tells him the coast is clear.

Despite the media saturation of  Marius Bashful's call to feed hungry children rather than wait for them to devour each other, Johnson only heard of it yesterday. Which begs the question, what the f**k were you up to? 

Turns out he was busy recording a video to celebrate a brand spanking new trade deal with Australia. As Liz Truss put it, her oratory as uplifting as a seal cull, it's a long-established relationship - we gave Australia some steel to build a bridge and they gave us Edna Everage. See that Europe!? Yep we're in the financial and cultural big league now. Swapping sickening biscuits and salty spreads. And they systematically abuse brown people too! 

(Also Bernice Whoreson was onanistically splurging £960,000 on the prime ministerial plane - it's going to be covered in Union Jacks as it pollutes its way into foreign lands. A sort of airborne hooligan, full of shit-for-brains and begging bowls and on its way to a quasi-dictatorship not very near you.)

Anyway once Marvin Duxford made BJ aware of this iniquity the PM quickly donutted his Limousine of Indifference and headed back towards the foreign country that is Common Decency. These U-turns are becoming as regular as disappearing scientists these days. What Doris Jenson and his breezy sidekick Mitt Handsock tend to do these days is name a figure or a date and then find out later whether any of that is feasible. I'm sure as a flaxen-haired junior gargoyle Beavis Jizzbomb would often declare to anyone that was listening that he'd love a crown and a cloak to swan about in 'and by Tuesday it will be here' and lo and behold some lackey had made it happen otherwise the immigration authorities would have been made aware of his potentially illegal presence in the home of a wholly unaware toff. 

It may be how the world works in Downton Abbey but government policy requires consultation and time - two things Bernice DimSum has no concept of. 

But at least we have distractions to comfort us ordinary mortals. Yes we look around the world and think 'Why are we in the top three stupidest countries in the world?' but forget that - the Premier League's back on. I though I'd be utterly unmoved by the prospect but, actually, I can't wait. In fact we're half an hour into Sheffield United v Villa and I'm writing this pigging blog! 

Any road, whatever else with this footy bonanza let us not forget the magnificent contributions from the footballer Marcus Rashford - not to mention the brilliant and capable young fellas like Sterling and Mings and Sancho - who are proving that players of the beautiful game have smart and beautiful minds too. 

I'm going to watch the match now (well the second half any road). I'm going to cheer like nobody's watching. Where's that lager?