Wednesday, 19 August 2015

More More Mourinho

Okay. It's been a long, long time. There are reasons why I've not been opining on footy for a while.

1. I was out the country and didn't fancy guessing how things were going back here.
2. By the time I got back it was pretty much done and dusted and you lot hate it when I write about the golf or the tennis.
3. I have had a personal bereavement - and apart Boro not making it to the top tier, my Dad passed away n all.
4. I was going to write a blog to coincide with the start of the new season but frankly I was too excited about the Aussies truly wonderful capitulation that I believe we should have postponed the start of the Premier League, collectively jumped on a bus, all come down to London and found as many bar staff as we could and pointed at them, yelling "Ha-haaaa!"

Fifthly, the beginning of the Premier League was already being hyped up like a bloated floating corpse on the Tees estuary and I didn't want to buy into it.

It felt like the same old, same old. Chelsea or Citeh to win, unless Van Gaal could arbitrarily arrange his overly expensive trinkets into summat resembling a team. Arsenal arrive neck-deep in optimisim only to be turned over by a bit of hard work and organisation. Liverpool keep slapping the cash around like a jilted bride indulging in retail therapy in order to forget about the guy that left.

And yet, it is footy we're talking about. And although come the end of the season there'll be the usual suspects in the top four, and a plucky upstart scraping into the Europa League, and the Stadium of Light will be emptying out by half-time every other weekend, the beginning has been a little web of intrigue all its own.

And, as ever, the spider at the centre of the web is the smirking, preening narcissist Jose Mi Amor Mourinho. It can't last but for those of us whose favourite psychiatrist is Schaden Freud, it's been a hugely enjoyable beginning.

First, the draw with Swansea and the scapegoating of medical staff; then the hammering at Citeh. In the first instance, the referee's decisions were beneath comment (i.e, correct); the second was a 'fake result'. It must be very frustrating for Mrs Mourinho if and when she has a genuine orgasm.

Of more long term interest was the substitution of one John Terry at the Etihad. Mourinho's rationale was wholly logical. Navas, Sterling and Aguero vs JT is the least fair fight since Goliath told David that slings were not allowed. Indeed Aguero seemed to be thriving on the Sterling Silva service.

Needless to say as Terry sat on the bench you could almost see his skull rattling like a pan-lid on a pot of boiling potatoes. Meanwhile Costa, a man who probably has to turn all the mirrors in his house to face the wall just to avoid punching himself, stormed around with a bandaged head like Dr David Banner after a particularly irritating call to his insurance company.

All this means that there's one of these early-season doomsday scenarios looming "What's gone wrong with Chelsea?" Well, they've lost a couple of games. And a couple of doctors. And a sense of reality, if Jose's perceptions are to be taken literally. But this is not a crisis. It's just quite funny. Enjoy. Here's two blokes doing just that having heard about the Etihad result.

(I can't tell you how hard it was to find a pic of Wenger smiling)

On Thursday the final test begins and I'd like to enjoy that as much as the last two. Like Chelsea, the Aussies will bounce back at some point but while England continue to bowl against the biggest load of nickers since Fagin patrolled the streets of Dickensian London, let's not give 'em the chance of a sliver of self-respect.

What's been most enthralling about the cricket - and yes I have really enjoyed it as much as any sporting event since London 2012 - is the fact that England are relying on the flair and exuberance of young lads to carry them forward.

Root continues to taunt like one of them ridiculous twelve-year old wunderkinds that occasionally get on to Countdown and humiliate middle-aged wearers of Pringle sweaters and floral frocks. Stokes flings himself about like Boris Becker in his pomp (and if you see his courtside at a Djokovic match you'll never believe how impressive that once was). Wood and Moeen frolic about like giddy lambs, unafraid of the perils that have dogged their ancestors.

And meanwhile Broad, Anderson, Cook and Bell beam like grandparents newly-enlivened by the arrival of delirious toddlers. And all of this under the inebriate eyes of a nation of sun-kissed revellers totally unused to such splendidness. Except we hammered them two years ago. and then four years before that. In fact they're not much cop. 'Kin brilliant isn't it?

Oh... and PS
Premier League champions? Chelsea - I know, I know.
FA Cup? Everton.
League Cup (or whatever the hell they call it now)? Liverpool
Chumps League Qualifiers? Citeh, ManU, Arsenal, bold eh?
Europa League? Spurs, Everton.
Going dahn? Sunderland (by Christmas), Bournemouth, Newcastle.


  1. I had just about given up on you Robbo, Great to have you back.

  2. Lovely to have you back Del Boy.

    I'm sorry for your loss.

    Maureen is as Maureen does. (I'm surprised noone (is he still playing?) has picked up on his remarks at Reading a few years ago when Petr Cech got clattered)

    As for PL,well it's either one of the two teams in blue.City have strengthened,Chelsea haven't and Toure looks in the mood.So that's the kiss of death for City then.

    Most important of all,however,is we're top of the league.Whether we're there in 43 games time,who knows?But I'll enjoy our brief moment in the sun whilst we've got it.

  3. Welcome back and commiserations Robbo.

  4. Nice to have you back Robbo. Condolences to you and your clan on your Dad's passing.

  5. Sorry to hear about yer Dad. Glad your back though. Good blog, but one question - how the deity of choice does that clown Benitez land all the top jobs when he's, well, pants is a mild description. Mind you we need El Camerero Gordo back in the PL if only for the entertainment value.

    My lot for the cup, eh? That's kiboshed that, then!

  6. Woohoo...happy days are here again. So sorry to hear about your father. Sincere (not fake) condolences.

    Do you have an opinion Robbo - " Is Benteke going to be the next Suarez or the next Balotelli"? Well, no one can be the next Suarez, but you know what I mean, 20+ goals.

  7. Very sorry for your loss, Robbo. Happy to have you back!

    I really hope Everton stand firm against Chelski regarding John Stones. A little stumble out of the gate, but they played some nice stuff against Southampton. Be nice to see what the squad could do if left intact, for a change. Fairly certain I heard Maureen a couple of months back singing the hits "We Don't Need to Strengthen" and "Big Clubs Buy Early."

    And I miss the pre-Sampras Wimbledon days as well. Becker was a great, exciting champion.

  8. ROBBO! I'm joining Van Gaal in saying - "I'd like to kiss you tonight". Welcome back! And really sorry about your Dad.

  9. OH SHIT!!!!!!!! ROBBO IS BACK!!! FEELING SO DAMN EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW!!! i can't even read the blog right now.........need a moment to take all this in.

  10. Condolences Robbo...........excellent piece by the way.

  11. Nice having u back Robbo! Thought that was it for a while there but as long as you write, you'll always have a loyal reader. i speak for many here.
    Cricket was good from ENG, be it against a very very poor AUS display.

  12. Sorry to hear about your sad loss, it really puts football into perspective. You have been missed though.

    By the way Maureen had been deflecting the media with his crazy guy act you can tell how bad the performances have been so far. Long may it last. Also as a bitter United fan I hope Pedro performs as well for Chelsea as Torres did. Will they soon be renamed from Chelski to El Chelsas?

  13. +1 for condolences Robbo and +2 for the welcome backs

    On a different tack, fookin? Chelsea? Can't see it, they look like inter Milan the year after.. Fabregas, ivanovich, Terry, wossisname on the wing all look shit. Igor up front spends more time in chains in the catacombs than he does marauding around graveyards in fact I think we should just give it to citeh NOW Aguero its the best striker I've ever seen in England and..I just checked..the highest scorer pet match ever in the prem. The squad is staggering in quality and depth ..there's thingy, whoja and geezer all unstoppable. Sunderland look doomed they've looked doomed for so long now they look like the Australian middle order.

    1. ERRATUM...the English middle order

  14. Welcome back Robbo, deepest condolances for your loss.

  15. My deepest condolences for your loss, Robbo.

  16. Great to have you back Robbo, my deepest condolences for your loss.


  17. I may seem crazy but I don't understand why Man Utd (or another of the top 6 clubs) don't rush to sign Charlie Austin. He scored good goals for QPR and is cheap as Jenas notes. Surely he is worth a punt even if you fear injuries, just take out insurance.

    1. To be honest I reckon he would have scored against Newcastle on Saturday. At £15M he is worth a punt although I'm still annoyed Ed Woodward didn't get Pedro. I know he is supposed to be the Equalizer but he is supposed to get us equal with Real Madrid not Stoke

  18. Robbo, sorry to hear about your Dad. Great to have you back to brighten up the otherwise uniform landscape of sporting commentary. Schaden Freud was a v.nice touch...

  19. Wenger Out.

    Thought I'd get that in early doors.

  20. Mr Wet Underpants 198925 August 2015 at 12:44

    Some great news at last from the beleaguered Sunderland camp:

    - They earned their first point of the season at the weekend.
    - Younes Kaboul picked up an injury.
    - Adam Johnson’s girlfriend did really well in her GCSEs.