Monday 13 October 2014

Ricketty Rooney

It's hard watching England, almost all the time. But currently we have a new problem. The three lions are going to be up against five sets of donkeys. And given the lions are tired and toothless it's a bit like watching a veterans' match at the Coliseum circa 50 BC.

San Marino turn up first, the punchbags of international football. You'd be better off fielding eleven boxes of tissue paper. It's not their fault. The Most Serene Republic (and during previous clogging sessions against them I've wondered where all that serenity goes) is small and its team has two professionals in it. That, in short, is why they're shit. 5-0 is a pretty pathetic effort, but, you know, it's all about the three points at the end of the day and a clean sheet is always welcome.

(By the way this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGdQvqbIexk 

doesn't make that seem like an achievement. In fact it just shows you how much assistance is required.)

Then came Estonia, one of a pair of utter Baltics that our boys must tackle. A bigger test, we're told. This team had achieved notable results against Holland and Italy in recent years and, well, there's more people live there than in San Marino.

They'll press hard and get two banks of four and it might be tricky. And two of their players are named after legendary circus performers Vunk and Pikk. In the end Estonia were bloody awful. They even helped by losing their best player with forty minutes to go.

And in return England got remorselessly worse and worse. It was a weird feeling watching them - a bit like waking up in a tent and realising that your airbed has got a slow puncture and having to lie there and accept that by the end of the night you're going to feel bloody uncomfortable.

Of course you can't really criticise the defence - except for Calum Chambers who, poor lad, is continuing the England manager's preference for playing centre-halves as right-backs. Jones, Smalling, Stones - they've all had a chacne to prove that they're not as good as Nathaniel Clyne and they've done it.

With any luck Chambers and Stones will form a dependable centre-back partnership in the future but, Jeez, Woy, pick a bloody right-back to play right-back.

I slated Wilshere last game but he looked much perkier last night, although he does have the odd dozy moment. Lallana did little to suggest that Oxlade-Chamberlain or Sterling shouldn't have started in his stead.

Up front we had the Danny Welbeck that can reduce you to ripping up telephone directories with your teeth. Little tippy-tappy balls that even Mr Magoo could see coming. Dispossessed so easily you'd think he was an eel trying to keep hold of a bar of soap. Just a terrifying turn of speed to worry the defence but keep him in front of you and you're laughing.

As for Rooney, well I've said it before but the lad - or dad if you're Jack Wilshere - is simply not all that good a player. Trouble is, we all thought he was when he was 17. It's not turned out that way.

Look he's not bad. That was a decent free-kick, even if the goalie dropped like a felled redwood before fumbling it in. But he missed a hatful and if that was Ronaldo, or Messi, or anyone who is extremely good, he'd be booking himself for serious counselling. Trouble with Wazza is, like Welbeck or even Sturridge, we're not surprised.

We should remember of course that here is a lad who earns sequescadillions of quids a week and is captain of Manchester United and England. And frankly it's debatable whether he should be in either side (bans permitting). There are times when he looks laboured in movement and thought and even the gifted right foot can't stop a football from escaping him like an unreined toddler in a shopping mall.

The trouble is, England still want him as a focal point and he's not up to it. As an out and out forward he's never reached the heights of his teenage years. There are better players in that squad - he knows it - and that's why his confidence is shot.

Still, you can't drop Dad, but you can, apparently, drop the stroppy tired teenager Raheem if he tells you he's like, you know, knackered. He's 19!!! How's he going to feel when he's 49? I've every right to wake up feeling cream-crackered.

Maybe that bouffant Pepe Le Peu job is a lot of weight to carry around? Or maybe he's got a manager urging him to keep his powder dry and that ain't Hodgson. Whatever it is, it's a ludicrous state of affairs and if he keeps belly-aching like that even Nigel Farage might suggest that we don't want to keep Sterling after all.

But any road, people, we've got several more of this grinding bores to get through. They'll tell us absolutely nowt about the team's capacity to progress in the tournament proper. (Mind you Capello's England qualified in rampant fashion, and then slid way like shite on a continental toilet when the real business began, so who knows?)

Suffice to say, it's nice to have some proper footy to watch at the weekend.









79 comments:

  1. Could have been worse,you could have missed the game because you had 2 daughters to take clothes shopping.

    Or maybe that was better...

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  2. Good stuff Robbo, but I reckon those performances tell you exactly how England will progress at the tournament (they won't).

    Oh well, back to watching Spurs make a bollox of things.


    Jedi

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  3. PS shouldn't there be a picture of Lynda Carter on this blog?


    Jedi

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    Replies
    1. Why not? She's got more up front than England!

      Spider

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  4. Did you watch the Scotland game also Robbo. We played the best we have for ages. At least you know England will play better in the "friendly" next month

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  5. I was glad England won both games but the lack of quality up front and a clinical finisher reminded me too much of many scotland games. If there were a decent two teams in the group I would worry for England but luckily there is no opposition. They will need to play a few decent teams ( and even scotland to say you boys saying it) to try and work out a proper team before the tournament

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  6. Top Ten for me. The missus spent most of the game yelling, "Get that twat Rooney off, he's effing useless....." and, to be fair, I was agreeing with her. Apart from the free kick he was Keiron. Watching that game was like a 90 minute visit to the dentist.

    Spider

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    Replies
    1. A couple of years ago, it was aging prossies yelling, "Get Rooney off that twat, he's effing useless!" in tabloid headlines...

      That was back when Robbo did podcasts. Which we'd love to have another of. *ahem*

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  7. Good stuff Robbo. I agree with Spider's missus and I didn't even watch the game.

    Oh when the Saints go marching in... http://www.mirror.co.uk/sport/rugby-league/watch-wigans-ben-flower-punch-4422159

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  8. I watched the highlights on x6 fast forward to a backing track of Benny hills yackety sax. Hilarious. Then i watched Woy doing his Fred Scuttle.impersonation. Funny as Fuck.

    My expectations for England are finely calibrated now to render mirth whatever the outcome. We're like a parody of a good side, a year ago we were dads army on exercise up against the SAS crack troops of the Germans and Spanish DON'T FUCKING.PANIC MAINWARING YOU CUNT and now we're I don't know, a slightly disturbing kids program Lazy Town or something sshhhh Sportacus is having a nap again. So funny it disguises the fact that I'm weeping bitter tears inside.

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  11. Interloping American here who's enjoyed Robbo from his BBC days, as well as the "banter" from the vets of the comments section (you know who you are). It seems almost the whole Euro 2016 draw is a vast bore. Should there be preliminary qualifiers for the minnows, or is the gate, or political equality, just too important regarding the smaller nations?

    PS-- sorry for the deletes...new mobile...fat fingers

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  12. Drop dad for some kids and who knows how far you can go. Maybe beyond the group stage at the World Cup, like the US. No Donovan, no problem. Sort of.

    And c'mon Kevin, let the little ones in. Besides, Iceland just beat the Dutch. They're no minnows now, but they had to start somewhere. Not that I agree with 24 teams getting in, but everyone should be allowed to play an equal part in the qualifiers... even if that part is getting beaten repeatedly (e.g., San Marino) or making England play down to you (e.g., everyone ranked between England and San Marino).

    Maybe if England woke up and realized they didn't have any world class players (despite being paid as such) they might play like a team, instead. Again, USA, better than the sum of their parts. Not world-beating better, mind you, but world-drawing and world-squeezing past, and we'll take it.

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    1. Thanks. Maybe it's my doubt that a team of semi-pros has a shot against professionals of most any stripe? The principalities seem to offer no more than that, and I sure as heck wouldn't pay 50 pounds plus to witness it in person. Aside from that, I agree on David and Goliath-- Poland and Iceland, take your bow. As far as the English side, well, as they used to say about the Boston Red Sox of the late 70's, they are 25 guys leaving in 25 different taxis after the game. The USMNT (the official ESPN term) still pulls as one, except for LD! Ask Jurgen!

      Delete
  13. they're not paid well because they're great players, they're paid well because they're well televised and merchanised, and the advertisers pay boat loads of dosh and the punters keep pouring their hard earned into the whole fuckin' scam and buying their Budweiser piss water. Now, where can I buy my new Neil Lennon track suit in home and away colours?

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    1. What about the third kit, the European change strip, the commemorative friendly kit, the FA Cup kit, the League Cup kit, the World Cup kit (one for each nation), the commemorative pre-promotion kit, the commemorative relegation kit, the training tops (and bottoms), and the branded piss water mug and shot glass to help you through the tough times, er, celebrations?

      Geez, what kind of fan are you, anyway?

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    2. I'll get all that as soon as I'm done watching my officially licensed 2014 season so far dvd volume 2.

      Delete
    3. I just received my limited edition Tim Howard beard, made from real Tim Howard beard. With a Certificate of Authenticity signed by Tim Howard.

      Meanwhile, no one can afford to go to a match anymore:
      http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/29614980

      Delete
  14. Goddamn foreigners will stop at nothing, kidnapping and brainwashing our parrots.

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/11160576/British-parrot-missing-for-four-years-returns-speaking-Spanish.html

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    Replies
    1. Courtesy Google Translate and Monty Python:
      Pájaro hermoso , el azul de Noruega - precioso plumaje
      ("Beautiful bird, the Norwegian blue - lovely plumage!")

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  15. Oyston: "I don't think I've come across any institutional racism in football, certainly not at Blackpool."

    That's because you're white, dumbass.

    http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/29611658

    While I do agree that the appointments shouldn't be made on grounds of skin color, interview them anyway. Society isn't at a point where we are beyond needing measures like that. Institutional racism does exist, and just because you've hired a black manager doesn't make it all go away. If he isn't qualified, don't hire him. But at least interview him.

    Oh yes, him. Not her. Because she's definitely not qualified.

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    Replies
    1. At least Oyston actually employed a black manager, even if he did sack him!

      Spider

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  16. As if being a referee or running the line wasn't prickly enough already.

    http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/29612605

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  17. I had a whole opus typed, but it hasn't posted, ah well, you've been spared.

    Cheers RR.

    Not the greatest performance, but in the end 6 points from 2 games means max points for England is achieved. The Durtch only managed half that amount, while ze world champion Germans only managed a solitary point.

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  18. Even Scotland got 4 points. Great game against Poland that could have gone either way. So much improved these days

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  19. Ola compadres, and Bells. Been lurking for months but been so busy. My Australian adventure comes to an end in a few months, so I've been sorting shit out, selling stuff, shipping stuff home as well as trying to write my thesis.

    Anyhow, in the meantime you've written a couple of cracking blogs Robbo. England are as uninspiring as ever, Rooney is undropable for club and country despite being the cause of most of the uninspiringness. Utd have spent their way out of their malaise, as expected. Liverpool have been shit despite Saint Brandon stating that they wouldn't 'do a Spurs' because they bought a squad, not individuals. How's that working out there Brenda?

    What do you think to the 6 month ban for Flowers, Trotts? I thought the first punch was ok, as he'd just copped a cheap late elbow (the worst kind of elbow), but the second was inexcusable. Great typo over on the BBC saying that 'Flowers gets 6 month ban for lunch.' Poor old James Graham lost 5 grand finals with St Helens, then moved to Australia and has lost 2 more, while his old club finally wins one.

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    1. Noel, what's the thesis on? I'm about to start collecting data for my dissertation on... oh... wait... I mean... er... While Flowers is banned, expect him to feature as a center back alongside Pepe when Real Madrid face Barcelona with Nibbles up front.

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    2. the first punch was alright, you'll see that every game except he connected so well, they rarely do. Hohaia was running back, Flowers turned into him and a case could be made that Hohaia's arms came up almost to prevent or cushion a collision. Let's go with the idea that he gave him a bit of a forearm smash while cushioning said potential collision, the Flower's punch was totally in order. However, hitting him again when he's already unconscious is something that nobody in their right mind would do. So, he's either insane or an utterly uncontrollable thug and in either case he shouldn't be playing the game. Of course, with professional and helpful counsel he can change. Just like Suarez did after he bit the bloke in Holland.

      Poor James Graham, 8th time lucky?

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    3. My thesis is on the Optimisation of Isolated Electrical Networks. It's as exciting as it probably sounds too.

      Delete
    4. When you're done you feel like this, Noel...

      http://img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131213184917/marveldatabase/images/6/68/Maxwell_Dillon_(Earth-616)_from_Amazing_Spider-Man_Vol_1_9_001.png

      Delete
    5. About as exciting as mine on the Modification of Attributes, Affordances, Abilities, and Distance for Learning Mathematics Using Technology.

      Yup. MAAAD for Learning using technology.

      Best of luck finishing up.

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    6. Lets hope so Blog. Can't wait to get back to working for a living instead of being a student.

      Wow, that's quite a thesis title, Stephen. I could have done with some of your advice during my first few years when I preferred to stay in bed instead of going to my maths lectures.

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    7. Buenas tardes to you Noel - nice to have you back, Are you sad to be leaving OZ (& the VB)?

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    8. I am a bit sad, Bells. It's a wonderful country, and we've spent 5 good years here. I think more than anything though, I'll miss the rugby league. Won't be able to watch it back home, with our internet being so shit.

      I actually changed to Crown lager about a year ago - less calories! Luckily, it tastes better too.

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  20. Mindless thuggery and habitually shitting in each other's pints etc is bad enough but the problem I have with rugby players is the tory-voting thing.

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    1. there's no pint-shitting in Rugby League.

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    2. Blogs, don't confuse Union and League. Whilst the former are now officially "professional" and the grass roots public school Tory (in England), I still reckon most League players stay true to their roots and would rather die than vote Tory. (Of course there is that thuggish minority who might vote BNP!)

      Spider

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  21. at first I thought the drone at the Albania match was just Andy Townsend...

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    1. And I thought it was only the Yanks who went mental if anyone desecrated their flag!

      Spider

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    2. If you think we go mental about desecration, try desegregation.

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    3. I thought desegregation of the flag was tried by the Confederacy 150 years ago.

      Spider

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  22. Not sure if Un**ed are out of the shit yet Noel.... they haven't played anyone of note yet. I'll wait until they play a decent team before I make any judgement about them.

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    1. I'd agree Bo that they're not totally out of it yet, but they're better off than they were before breaking the British transfer record, and paying an alleged 8 million for a season long loan. They only stopped spending because the window shut. Come January 1st, the cheque book will be out again.

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  23. Surely the best set of results has to be from Northern Ireland? Their best start ever to European Championship qualifying?

    Spider

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  24. NFL fans - one of rugby leagues genuine superstars has just quit and revealed that he's heading to the US to try to make it in the NFL. Jarryd Hayne is 26, the highest paid player in the NRL, two-time player of the year and was about to enter the prime of his career. He doesn't have a team lined up (although he has trained with the Seahawks in the past), but wouldn't he have to enter some sort of draft system to get a team? Surely he'll be up against it trying to make it in a game where players have been training to play one position since high school? I'm not even sure if he'd be that big a draw commercially for an NFL team. Would be interesting to know if it even draws any media attention over in the US.

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    1. High school? If he waited til high school, he'd be 10 years behind most kids. Not sure about draft rights since he isn't playing for a college team. Looks like the coach isn't sure either. Wrong football for my money, but then again, he'll be the one making the money instead of spending it. And then again again, I don't have any money anyway.

      http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/11707932/seattle-seahawks-coach-pete-carroll-coy-team-signing-australian-rugby-star-jarryd-hayne

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  25. Serbia v Albania; went to the political fight and match almost broke out. Best part? The eagle-eyed viewer may notice something interesting in the picture with the caption "Albania players leave the pitch during the Euro 2016 Group I game against Serbia."

    http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/29627246

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  26. I'm waaay over here in America, but when I hear Serbia and Albania (or other countries that have blood feuds) are having a match, I think one of three things has to happen:

    1. Neutral site - still with plenty of security
    2. Rig the draw so they never get in the same group (don't get in this mess in the first place)
    3. Have the match at an empty stadium, and supporters from both sides can go to a different stadium and watch on a big screen. When the inevitable riot breaks out, lower the barriers and start playing the fight music from the original Star Trek series episode Amok Time (Kirk v Spock):

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NJQvswrSPg

    Take your pick - for #3, optionally hand out pugil sticks with a blade at one end. 20,000 Quatloos on the newcomer!

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  27. Couple of quick comments. Rooney isn't as bad as you think it's just the England team think the term focal point means let him do all the work and don't give him any decent service.


    Welbeck is rubbish but then so is the centre of England's midfield. Wilshere and Henderson are hopeless. Delph and someone actually creative is what is needed.

    As for the Rooney rule do none of these dozy gits realise that it is against UK and EU employment law and therefore illegal to shortlist based on colour. Affirmative action in the US was ruled illegal and the Rooney rule is simply an extension of that.

    The reason that there aren't many black managers is that in the 1980s and early 1990s there weren't that many black players and therefore they haven't graduated into management and as players are all really rich now how many actually want to. How many black pundits and club ambassadors are there that could be managing.

    Why didn't Patrick Vieira become a manager, not because of his colour but simply because he didn't want to. Desire not racism is the main factor (and don't say Sol Campbell as he doesn't get jobs because he's an ass, insecure and not very good)

    Also United won't be out of the proverbial until we've played Arsenal, Chelsea, City & Southampton (you know some actually good teams)

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    1. Oops.... I'm not up to date on Euro/UK laws and statistics. Were only 2/92 footballers in England in the 1980s/1990s non-white? Thankfully, the NFL is extrajudicial, so no need to worry about unconstitutional practices.

      Though I do agree that there are other avenues besides management, the lack of open opportunity to gain and apply the necessary skills are two related but different issues that make it very hard for any non-white person to break into management. Insert nearly any other high-status position instead of management and it works the same way. Doesn't mean it should be addressed by hiring/interviewing requirements, but maintaining the status quo isn't palatable, either.

      Delete
    2. NFL teams didn't operate a colour bar, they simply played all white teams! Then the quarterback was white even if most of the rest of the team wasn't until a black quarterback (Williams ?) threw three touchdowns in one quarter to win a Superbowl for the Washington Redskins. Then it was Head Coaches until Tony Dungee (I think) won a Superbowl with the Indianapolis Clots (but then Peyton Manning was the QB). Now its simply, "who is the best player/coach" because you need the best to win regardless of colour. I'm sure black managers will become much more common but to me the big question is why are there so few asians playing football at the top level given the enthnic mix? Baltis anyone?

      Spider

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  28. I might be appearing racist here and I certainly am not, but I dont understand this furore over the number of black managers. So what if there arent any? Are there any laws getting in their way today? Is there institutional racism which would be evidenced by fewer black soccer players? No to both. So there arent too many black managers. Just like there arent too many white basketball players or black swimmers. Its just life, no one needs to be spend too much time worrying over it.

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    1. Er.... institutional racism does exist. It is a logical fallacy to assume that simply because there aren't black fewer players means that a) there is no institutional racism regarding the players (how many captains?), nor b) the number of players has a strong connection with the number of coaches (which has to do with leadership opportunities).

      Would be interesting to see stats on UK football akin to the figures in this article:

      http://fivethirtyeight.com/datalab/diversity-in-the-nba-the-nfl-and-mlb/

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    2. The absence of evidence for institutional racism proves nothing either way but when you look at the arseholes who own football clubs, their manifest evil makes a racist component to the selection procedure highly probable. British Footballers are thick a shit so its a slight surprise that any of them make it a managers, black or white but is football any less racist than any other walk of life here in the land of ukip? Probably not, so are black footballers less likely to be offered management positions? Of course and it needs to change. There are six English managers in the prem, none of them astonishingly bright or charismatic, so the competition aint that intense. About two years ago, i seem to remember there were none, so things can change quite quickly.

      The Asian absence is a good q. Just not a cultural priority, i guess. Strong families encouraging academic achievement, kung fu and cricket. If i hasn't been brought up kicking a football, I'd do the same.



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    3. hard to think of millionaire footballers as a discriminated against group ain't it. Bit on second thoughts who the fuck in their right mind would go into adult life thinking I want to be a football manager.....it's obviously a compensation mechanism for a small penis. Which is why black men and me are not fuckin interested.

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    4. On third thoughts, 'that would be an ecumenical issue'

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  29. Anyway off home soon so have good weekend everyone!

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    1. And another week without a picture of the yummy one on Robbo's blog!

      Spider

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    2. Looks like Warnock loves Maureen even more than you di, bels.

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  30. Adam.

    While I will agree Rooney is not as bad as he is being painted by many, he is nowhere near as good as he was suppossed to be. Over rated and over paid, world class? Not a chance.

    However, I think Englands major problem is not the players, it's the manager. He really should of got the heave ho after the embarrassing debacle that was the summers WC, He is tactically inept and has nothing that resembles a plan b. To be honest his plan a is pretty poor too. Who plays a diamond against a team that will sit back, even worse, continue with it when the opposition is down to ten men? Well, Woy will.

    Ofcouse the midfield was "shit" they were all on top of each other crammed through the middle, where was the width? Rooney was played as a target man, not his position, pushing Welbeck out rendering him toothless, I can't blame either of them, the manager decides where they play, or at least I hope he does. Still, as long as he's in charge England will be no more then filling for the group stages with the occasional forray into the second round.

    You're description of Welbeck is as predictable as it is sad, he's no longer at Manure, so all of a sudden he's "rubbish", pathetic. You do realise that this "rubbish" player has notched more goals then van Persie and Falcao combined, players who are pulling in 3 ton a week each, since his move.

    Ah well, I'll take your word for it, just like I did when you were telling us that Ben Foster was the future between the sticks for England.

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    Replies
    1. Seems to me wherever Rooney has a bad game, which is often, somebody says he was played out of position... the man is supposed to be world class, he should be able to play anywhere on the forward line.

      H2, you know Adam, England's woes would be solved by selecting all of Un**ed's England players.... including Wellbeck when he played for them.

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  31. Welbeck is a talented lad - not sure about his head. Hopefully, the transfer was a wake-up call to a kid who underachieved at ManU and "played when he wanted to play," a quote attributed to American football player Randy Moss after he was called out by a pundit who showed game footage of Moss doing fuck-all when a play didn't involve him as the focal point.

    Welbeck may have thought that going to the club after a CL loss was just getting up Moysie's nose, without considering the wider consequences of what club administration or a new manager might think. We already know players don't give a toss for supporters, or what they have to pay for match tickets - just ask that controversial pundit Robbie Savage!

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  32. Whatever happened to that Gareth Bale kid? He played for an English team a while back. Must've been English.

    What? Welsh?

    Bloody foreigner.

    Good riddance.

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  33. Anyone following the Oscar Pistolorious case? I have a feeling its been decided a long time ago what the outcome will be, and it dosen't involve jail time. Hope I'm wrong.

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  34. Great start for Lennon, eh, Trotts?

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    1. yeah, sent off is a good start, lead by example, inject a bit of passion! We'll be up with Boro in no time.

      Delete
    2. Lennon. What a rotter. The gall of the man, stepping onto the pitch in a dead ball situation to tell his lads who should take a penalty. Just who does he think he is?

      That last question referred, of course, to that fifth wheel of officialdom, the fourth official. Just so happens that he was a she. In this case, Amy told Mark what that cad Neil was up to, and Mark dealt with him straightaway.

      Next week - will Mark's feelings for Amy cause him to take drastic measures against Phil? Or will Jocasta convince Dr. Chastwick to fake the results of her baby's paternity test to keep Mark at her side? And of course, what will Neil do about the touchline ban?

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  35. Did you manage to get one of them burnden park second hand toilets in the auction when they closed it down, trot?
    http://bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-29460621

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    1. no, Blog, we have different plumbing over here but I don't remember toilets, only troughs. Stinkin' filthy overflowin' troughs.

      Delete
    2. At the Clockend Highbury, it was basicaly a wall that you pissed against. In the middle of the North Bank, there was a trench, so that you could get to the middle of the terraces, by half time it was a river of piss.

      Aaah, the good old days.

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  36. QPR-Liverpool... 87 minutes of boredom followed by ten minutes of madness.

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    1. Those own goals were ridiculous.

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    2. Owengol? Caulker! Caulker? Dunne!

      Little tribute to Airplane! there by QPR...

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  37. Bloody hell, our defence that makes Zamora appear unplayable face CR7, Bale and James Rodrigues in a few days. This is not going to end well.

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    Replies
    1. Not for you, AH, but I'm looking forward to chucking long balls toward Costa...

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    2. What an amazing end to a game. Thought Liverpool could have been 3 down before half time but they showed some grit, determination and married Lady Luck to get the result

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  38. Liverpool are really going to struggle without Sterling on Wednesday against Real. Having played a full game today and needing 2 days before he can even wear his boots again I can only assume Brendan will tuck him up in a onesie watching kiddies tv before he announces the team

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