Too Close To Call

Well this is really turning into one brilliant Premier League season. To think at the start of it, I'd all but given up on footy. It was too cynical, too centred on money and monstrous ego, and not played all that well either. Some of that is still true. But having four teams with a genuine chance of winning the whole thing is simply very exciting.


Even within the hyperbolics (hyper-bollocks?) of football punditry, it is hard not to be intrigued by the upcoming battles: Chelsea-Arsenal; Arsenal-Man City; Liverpool-Man City; Liverpool-Chelsea - they're all to come.


And this weekend has shown all of us that the tension is ratcheting up a few notches, which is how we like it. Wall-kicking, head-pressing, finger-wagging, ball-throwing, tantrum-tossing. It's grand.


And while we're on the subject, are there really going to be fines lobbed out for folk, like Kompany, who kick a wall cos he's furious (with himself probably) for getting a red. Or Sherwood for throwing a ball a bit crossly? This is the stuff we want from our footy!


I'm all for Ramires getting the rest of the spring off for jumping onto a fellow pro's shin-bone like a poor man's Roy Keane, but bits of passion and frustration? Nah!


I'm guessing Joe Hart might be in trouble for pressing heads with spitty George Boyd but hellfire his team were hanging on comfortably and a man down and the cheating little headbanded tit had just tried to cheat his way back into the game.


Ditto Daniel Sturridge who succeeded in fooling Clattenburg and got his opponent sent off for not touching him. Be ashamed, son. The only difference is that United didn't have a fish in the sky's chance of surviving that game, so poor were they. Oh, and Rafael shouldn't have been on the park anyway. And Sturridge had a stonewall pen denied later. So, whatever.


Except that if the FA introduced this retrospective ban on diving little bastards we'd seen a marked improvement on behaviour all round. Five games without Sturridge would really test Liverpool on their run-in. And presumably Vidic's second yellow will be rescinded as he never touched the lad, so how does that leave the Liverpool striker in the clear?


Incidentally, both managers - Bruce and Rodgers - were eager to point out that Boyd and Sturridge aren't 'that sort of player' when, quite obviously, they are. Stop being so facile, gentlemen. If it was against your team you'd be spitting feathers. Rodgers also said that it's not a coincidence that Liverpool get so many penalties and looking at the front two - their pace, power and propensity for falling over - I'd agree with you, Bren.


Oh and note: there are fixtures involving Man United and Spurs and the top four coming up, but no one seriously thinks they'll affect the title race much. Some, including Steven Gerrard, have said that winning at Old Trafford is 'a statement'. Well, yes. And that statement is: 'Manchester United are shite.' Citeh have to go there and they'll be barely a goose-bump on their flesh as they stroll to victory. 4-0, I reckon, if Aguero is back.


So who do we neutrals want to lift the big bucket of glory by the season's end? And speaking of a Middlesbrough fan, I can't feel more neutral if I tried. Someone score a fucking goal, man, please. To be fair, relying on Danny Graham in such matters is like asking Alan Pardew to oversee diplomatic negotiations in Crimea.


So... Chelsea? I don't think anyone wants them to win anything do they? Even the romantic rescue act of Didier Drogba in the Champs League left most of us cold. And Maureen doesn't help, with his strange musings. True, it would be a first to win the League without ever using a centre-forward worth the name but... no. Not you. (Although if it happens I'll take my chit down the bookies and cash it in of course).


Man City? Still the most likely but there is one area of hope for their rivals. Like tame pit-bulls, all of their centre-backs have a horrible moment in them. Even Kompany. So maybe not. I'd certainly prefer not.


Liverpool? You'd think the last time they won it, dinosaurs walked the earth. You've bagged a couple of cups along the way for Chrissakes. But I wouldn't begrudge 'em it now. Particularly, dives aside, with the way the team plays the game.


And Arsenal? Well it's not going to happen is it? They won't get enough from the Chelsea and Citeh games and (despite Koscielny and Mertesacker's really wonderful form this season), like the first digestive biccie in the packet, they still look a bit crumbly around the edges. I'd be pleased for Wenger but it won't happen. Make do with the Cup instead, eh?


So what I'd prefer: 1/2 Arsenal/Liverpool; 3. Citeh; 4. Chelsea.
What's more likely: 1. Citeh; 2. Chelsea; 3. Liverpool; 4. Arsenal.


But it's all genuinely hard to predict - and that makes it brilliant. I haven't even mentioned the nether regions of the division where all the clubs are jostling like ferrets in a fat man's trousers, with no telling who might nudge out above the waistband by the end.


I say Fulham and the Baggies've had it and they promptly win. Best say nowt. (But I look forward to welcoming the Cottagers and Vincent Tan's Redbirds to our charming Riverside apartment in the next fourteen months or so. We might have scored again by then.