Friday, 24 January 2014

The Ballad of Moyes

Once there was a fire
When the Mighty Hairdryer
Had the dream to aspire
For more

Yea once was a brute
And a low-flying boot
And each man would shoot
And score

Once, twas fantastic,
And if things got drastic
Then time grew elastic
For you

And last-minute winners
'Gainst right old dog's dinners
Turned groaners to grinners,

Yea the devils made merry
Opponents they'd bury
(Like that slipshod John Terry):
The worst!

Ruud, Ronnie and Scholes
Scored all sorts of goals
But now, mate, the roles
Are reversed.

The Great Govan God
(Or Puce-Faced Old Sod)
Did summat quite odd -
He left

But before he could go
He left all in the know
That they should not look quite so

But there in his wake
Stood a pasty young rake
Who would certainly make
Them feel bleak.

Said he to his boys:
"Look! It's David Moyes!
Make some real fuckin' noise!"
(Not a squeak).

Not a red-shirt called out
How the Rooney did pout:
"Well he's won fuckin' nowt"
And 'twas true.

Said Robin Van Persie
"He did well by the Mersey
But he's just isn't Fergie"

Of course time, it will tell
But it didn't start well
Did nae buy, did nae sell
What's he doing?

And the Theatre of Dreams
Fell apart at the seams
'Mongst the clamour of screams
And of booing.

Somewhere up in the stand
Poor old Moyesy is scanned
And the veteran's hand
Becomes fist

And the truth is revealed
As defence and midfield
All too easily yield:
Here's a list.

Vidic is finished
Evra's diminished
And Rio looks pished
When he's picked

Welbeck's a no-no
Kagawa's so-so
And young Chicarito
Is licked.

They wail: "We're in tatters!"
"Even Sunderland twat us!"
"Twenty-seven Juan Matas
Can't save us!"

"There's no talent, no class,
Not a player who can pass!"
"And Fellaini's an arse -
We need favours!"

"So Fergie don't sit
In the prawn sandwich bit
Like you don't give a shit -
While you're here...

"We need a revival
It's just bloody vital
This lot won the title
Last year!"

"You'll say what do we know?
But over some vino
Ask Jose Mourinho
He's fine!"

But they watch the club fall
And they bark and they bawl
And real fuckwits call
Nine nine nine.

(Meanwhile, cross the nation
Folk sing in elation
For the Dark Domination
Is done

Yes we thank God for Moyes
And the sheer lack of poise
Of his witless young boys.
Oh what fun!)


  1. I waited all my life to see the away team get a penalty at Old Trafford, then 5 came along at once.
    And it was my team!

  2. reminiscent of Kipling but without the icing... I declare it a masterpiece of modern day football poetry about the fall and fall of Manchester United. Brilliant!!!

  3. Sheer class. Poet laureate?

    This isn't the same team as last season. Fergie had Rooney and van Persie, and the dying embers of the old guard. Moyes has to rely on Janusayshewon'tplayforEngland and Welbeck, though he should have bought sooner. (And not Mata. This is even worse than him warming the Chelsea bench, especially if you're Arsene Wenger.) With the current resources at his disposal, Fergie would struggle to reach the top four.

    That said, it is nice to see them poised to finish behind Everton...

  4. Genius.

    Moyes is the worst example ever of a fading senior manager choosing someone who reminds him of a younger self. Moyes or Mourinho, who shall we appoint? Ozil or Fellaini for midfield. No brainer. In the summer they need add new striker and have to decide whether to buy Falcao or Fat Chaz who plays for the Dog and Duck but is a friend of safs uncle's neighbour's baby sitter.....

    1. i was there that Sunday morning at Craphorn park when Fat Chan scored the quickest hat-trick in the history of the North East Fannington County Kebab Cup 3rd qualifying round... i dont think he's a realistic option for united, he has the world at his feet that lad, the world at his chubby not chinese but chinese looking hence the nickname feet.

    2. ah, chaz is it.... not chan... should probably have read that properly before entering a meandering diatribe about the chinese.... now it just seems like im a faux-racist... only racist against people who are not of but look like they are of an ethic origin.

    3. i actually have lots of friends who are not of but look like they are of an ethnic origin...

      vote UKIP... wait... what?

    4. No rba mate you were instinctively right first time it is Fat Chan, Chas was a typo.

      Hrs not only Chinese looking and had a Chinese name but also no one knows where he lives (you've never seen a Chinese man get out of his cat and go into a house, I bet, nobody has) he lives on take away ( takkee - awawee is Chinese for gloopy) and everyone assumes he is hard as nails (default benefit of doubt in case he's a ninja or check-in preist) so until everyone twigs he's half French and from barking he does have the world at his chubby feet and Moyes it's therefore likely to sign him as cover for Phil Jones who is actually Chinese, he just looks like a fat English lesbian

  5. Neymar will apparently cost nearly £100m, at least £34m of which ends up with his parents. Puts Frankel to shame.

    1. Every time (EVERY TIME) I come across "Neymar" in print, I get visions of a 60's actress in a Catwoman suit. Not complaining, just an observation...

    2. Can you get tablets for that?

      Sounds great! No wonder you come across it.


  6. that's brilliant Robbo. Just brilliant. Still, I'd thought this was to be their 40 year relegation…'34, '74, 14 so in those terms it looks like being a very successful season and nothing that 250m won't fix.

  7. Fantastic Del Boy.

    Un**ed fans made me smile this week,happy to have lost to Sunderland as it means that they won't lose to City in the final.

  8. Meant car not cat but if you think cat yoga position it stil makes about as much sense

  9. Similarly ...shao-lin / check in priest

  10. Gutted who gets random strangers sitting around him on the ground?

    "People just want to talk about half-time team talks,” he says. “They sit down in front of me in public places. What is that all about?

  11. i actually have seen a chinese man get out of a cat... it was one of the more creative hentai films i have seen, but not without artistic merit. and to be fair to Phil Jones, he isnt really masculine enough to be a fat english lesbian, ironically however he has no problem pulling off a man.... *insert frankie howard sound effect here*

    1. was it a giant robot cat which he climbed out of by means of a step ladder or was he a tiny chinese robot who climbed out of a real cat's ear by means of a really tiny step ladder?

  12. -6f this morning and now Cardiff have scored it looks as if puttin' the leccy money on a Bolton v Port Vale final might not have been a good idea.

  13. Next year, trots.

    Vale well win something. If it takes a year or the rest of my life, which ever is the longer, I'll be waiting.

  14. Why the devil did no one put the "New blog up H" comment on the previous blog ? Lazy bastards.

  15. More to the point where is everyone?

    1. Out celebrating The Ballad of Moyes Bisq.

    2. hibernating and who can blame them. put me in a box under the stairs someone.

  16. The Man from the Boro
    Has been very thorough
    In listing the horror
    of ManYoo

    Top stuff Robbo


  17. BBC Sport's Phil Cartwright: "Bolton Wanderers confirm David Ngog has joined Premier League side Swansea City for an undisclosed fee."
    Congratulations Trott, there is hope after all.

    1. You see, dreams do come true. Ngog is a ngoner! Dougie next.

    2. I don't know why Bolton aren't disclosing how much they paid Swansea to take him.

    3. my sources inform me the fee was in the region of 2 dozen daffodil bulbs.

    4. yet another example of the fragrant overspending by premier league clubs.

    5. Something like this happens every blooming transfer season.


    just some stuff i writ about phone hacking - yeah i'm cutting edge me.

    1. Your next column should be about gardening RBA.

      Real cutting hedge stuff.

    2. for good reason, some people prefer to keep their obsession with "trimming" erect deciduous bush strictly privet, jacks

    3. Go for golf next. Real putting, wedge stuff.

    4. I've just given the guitarist from U2 a hair cut.

      That was cutting Edge stuff.

      Shame the lead singer wasn't in as that would have been cutting neck until the fucker dies stuff.

  19. where's Adam? He should get PSB to put some music to Robbo's poem.

    1. I'm with you H, it was more about luring Adam out of the shadows so he can enjoy Robbo's poetry.

    2. Adam must be looking at the results between the fingers of his clenched fingers and probably assumed theyd lost again. Not beyond the realsm of possibility that the arrival of mata will have a similar cataylsing effect as ozil at the emirates (sounds like a middle eastern childrens classic - ozil at the emirates, cat in the hat, emile and the detectives)

      AH will also be encouraged - liverpool now red hot favourites for the old arsenal slot in 4th now after smashing the obviously over rated everton team.

      really exciting season, with the renaissance of arsenal (not quite there yet i think in terms of squad depth i think - next year will be different as the money starts to flow again) liverpool reborn aand a probably resurgent united plus spurs and everton with competitive sides and talented squads like newcastle and southampton there and there abouts wrecking the world conquest plans of the richer than croesus hubristic oil billionnaire top two evil oligarch clubs mancity/chelsea

      League 1 is now the quality of the old pre prem Division 1. George best would be playing for Fulham today

    3. George Best played for Fulham back then too!

      Have you read the Junie B. book series Blog? Brilliantly suited for ages 4 - 104. Not quite a Beanfield War but up there.

    4. Moomintrolls for me, trot. moomin midwinter is the closest thing they had in the 70s to these suicide websites for teenagers

  20. Have the Everton side arrived at Anfield yet?

  21. ang abaht let me check aht the shrapnel in me pocket...i'll have 6 please, SOT council...

  22. Breaking News:

    Mourinho to offer Everton £50m for the slumping, injured, Lukaku.

  23. £50 million to take him away from stamford bridge permanently?

  24. west ham are an embarrassment. mourine is right

  25. Ha Ha Ha, at maureen’s reaction, what a precious little biatch.

    Yes, Josie, your team play the right way, never sit back and always go for the win. Your players never waste time, cheat, dive, commit fouls, fart in the presence of a lady or charge punters for stadium tours.

    oh yeah, and this;

    Jose Mourinho after Arsenal 0 Chelsea O on December 23:

    “Boring is the team who plays at home and can’t score a goal.”

    1. It's true, Di Mateo won Champs league for Chelsea playing like that! Sour grapes much? tehehe 39 shots. Mata would have had a field day last night, there's still time to buy him back!

    2. He's just doing his job, H - which is to get under the skin of the opposition and create pressure through the media. SAF was a genius at this. Moaureen (hi Bells!) is a close second.

      The fact that he's massively hypocritical and has no moral authority to make these criticisms is irrelevant.

      He's also, as i say, right - who want to pay £50 to watch that steaming pile of monkey crap? Sam alladyce always boasting about outwitting people when he'd struggle to outwit a goldfish.

    3. in fact come to think of it being massively hypocritical and having no moral authority to make these criticisms is exactly what gets under the skins of le prof, Honest Dave and Brenda...pellegrini seems to be from some italian outpost on mars so probably not him)

    4. I haven't seen much of Chelsea this year - quite frankly their football bores the tits off me - so I can't say whether Mourinho is a hypocritical donkey-knob or just a donkey-knob. I can't believe that football pundits fall for his cliched, designed-to-get-a-reaction ramblings and that noone ever calls him out for it.
      Anyway, just want to ask if you know that Pelligrini (the manager of Man C.) is Chilean; maybe that's why he's so chilled. Not that it stops him being from an Italian outpost on Mars.

    5. Let's see what happens at Middle Eastlands on Monday shall we? I expect to see a bus firmly parked in front of the visitors' goal. This is just Mourinho whinging because his team failed to win.



    Thank fuck for that, Ashley Young banned from diving for 6 months. Hopefully they'll catch up with Suarez, Gerrard etc in the near future.

  27. had to happen trots he had 12 pints on his license


    Arsenal sign Moomintroll...more to follow


    Get back to your best Robbo!

    1. That couldn't be JDMaggot slagging off whilst bravely hiding behind the Anonymous moniker, could it? Course not, JDR would say it is the third worst blog ever, behind X and Y.
      BTW - does anyone ever see JDR posting elsewhere on BBC blogs?

    2. It's probably David Moyes himself.

  30. There's only one Yannick Bastos! The future starts now.

  31. Racing Santander make a statement... Imagine Portsmouth (or any of the other bankrupt clubs) doing this in the FA Cup.

  32. BBC Radio Manchester have had it confirmed that Liam Trotter has joined Bolton from Millwall on a loan deal until the end of the season with a view to making in permanent in the summer.

    With a name like that it was inevitable.


  33. What's in a name?

    Liam Trotter has joined Bolton from Millwall on a loan deal until the end of the season

  34. Oops, beat me to it Jedi.

    Maybe should F5 before posting.

  35. 14:24: We are hearing Bolton are poised to sign Millwall midfielder Liam Trotter on loan with a view to a permanent deal.
    With a name like Trotter, where else was he going to end up ?

  36. Just need Del Boy and Rodney now!

  37. We just need Liam Cunt to sign for man utd

  38. Trotts.

    1. thanks Jacks. We've seen darker days than these but it's a different world now. The debt doesn't matter much as it's almost all owed to the owner. What matters is what's missing, a subtle blend of skill and commitment. No point explaining it or excusing it, it's all Meggo's fault and he should be put in the stocks outside the Town Hall.

  39. new blog up H :)