The Joe Kinnear's on You, Geordies

Spain.

You wouldn't want their economy. You wouldn't mind their food (gazpacho aside - cold soup is a contradiction in terms). You'd love to have their footballers. Indeed, a simple bit of redistribution of their wealth might go a long way to solving their financial problems.

But the iniquities of the tax system are not the first things that come to mind when you watch Andres Iniesta doing multiple dragbacks. There is something of the matador about the ghostly Iniesta. Uruguayan defenders are notorious bullish and yet he sidestepped them like a piss-taking toreador.

The first half of Spain v Uruguay was a demonstration of why the old tippy-tappy stuff is hard to disagree with. Possession is nine-tenths of the law, unless the thing that you possess is a class A drug and you're on a South London stop and search initiative. Uruguay, no mean technicians in their own right, swiped away like cows' tails at the remorseless swarming Spanish flies but to very little avail.

They are still the yardstick by which other countries are judged. Although it doesn't harm a team to have free-kick takers like Luis Suarez or Andrea Pirlo around. Both scored the free-kick I have dreamed of for all of my forty-summat years, but like a 1987 East German, just getting over the wall in the first place would be a start.

Of course the Confederations Cup - FIFA's answer to the question 'How the hell do we get by with no footy in June and July?' - has served up some beautiful moments. The sort of moments that you can guarantee will be gracing the Internet Knock-Off Sports Gear Arena next season now that Joe Kinnear is the new 'Director of Football'.

Now I'm a little old-fashioned, me, but I do kind of wonder what a director of football does that a football manager doesn't do. In Joe Kinnear's case, you can only imagine a football being directed either 'down the channels' or skywards.

It's not like Joe is going to bring a more sophisticated influence to Newcastle's playing style. The closest he's ever got to anything continental was the time his wife bought them funny quilts in the 70s. And Joe was quick to get her back on sheets and blankets, I can tell you!

Still, if you read Joe's interview you'll realise that this is an entirely mistaken point of view. Yes, he can't pronounce players' names properly but hellfire, who can? I mean I've heard his name pronounced as 'Jokin' 'Ere' - as in "You have to be Jokin' 'Ere".

Kinnear claims he can also 'open the door to any manager in the world' which might mean that the director of football is simply a glorified bouncer. He claimed to have signed Tim Krul (he didn't - Souness did which came as a shock to me), and to have won the manager of the month three times (he won it once). So his memory's shot and he can't count but - get this - he's way more intelligent than his critics.

Well I'm sorry, Lard Ashley, but this really is the final straw for your average Toonite. Geordie suspicions were held at bay the season before last when Pardew's team put together a really brilliant season. 2012-13 was less impressive but at least, you thought, perhaps too charitably, it's good to see a manager stay in place for the sake of a bit of stability. Plus the bloke's got an 8-year contract to see out. I don't know anyone who's got an 8-year contract. I bet the new Pope hasn't even been given that by God.

Now we have the apparent hiring of another geezer from down south into a role which serves no apparent purpose whatsoever. Director of football.. tsk! I mean the Chancellor of the Exchequer doesn't require the help of a director of finance, does he? (Okay, bad example).

The only hope the Gallowgate End has is that poor old Joe might not quite remember how to get there. Kinnear is right to point out that when a heart attack brought his previous tenure to an abrupt halt he got a great deal of support from the Geordie fans. But, sadly, here Joe is confusing human kindness and sympathy with respect for his work. I mean I hoped he'd get better too but I didn't want to come down the Riverside to become Pointer in Chief.

It's a bit of a bloody farce if you ask me and I think it takes Ashley's reputation and relationship with the Newcastle faithful back to square one. The only thing that I can say in Kinnear's favour is that he may know one or two players who aren't French.

Chelsea get Mourinho. United get Moyes. Everton get Martinez. Stoke get Mark. Newcastle get Muppet (a very intelligent one at that).