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Wednesday, 4 May 2011

The End of Mourinho?

A Robbo Robson Exclusive

Reports coming in from UEFA are suggesting that special operatives from UEFA have, following extensive and meticulous covert surveillance, found and killed Josama bin Mourinho.

Mourinho, whose whereabouts was not shared with Castillian secret intelligence for fear of a leak, was found cowering behind his pizza margherita with extra jalapenos in a hotel room not far from Las Ramblas in Barcelona’s city centre.

'Don't look at the eyes, boys, don't look at the eyes!'

He was unarmed but officers were obliged to avoid the monster’s glare and wear protective earpieces should his sultry sneers for mercy convert them instantly into Special Ambassadors for his mission.

For a long time now UEFA (Upholders of European Football Artistry) have waged a clandestine war on the one they call The Special One. He has been the Beautiful Game’s Public Enemy Number One, Football’s Most Wanted and Least Loved, a man who is the ultimate in Ends Justifying The Means.

Mourinho’s ability to escape capture has been one of the great mysteries of modern sport. He is rumoured to have traversed great distances in any number of modes, and once passed through several banks of security in a laundry basket. (Admittedly the baskets at Chelsea need to be enormous given the amount of dirty laundry they get through each week). It is said that Mourinho once travelled from London to Milan in a flight powered entirely by his own ego.

While much of the evidence of Mourinho’s misdemeanours is anecdotal at best, there are many who put down their demise to the overweaning influence of the Portuguese-born translator. Referees have felt compelled to retire, and voyeurs have fervently felt the need to defend themselves.

Members of FC Barcelona have also been victimised. Sergio Busquets has been so manipulated by Jose’s Special Forces that he seems to feel every scratch, tug and nudge by an opposition player through his face. It is thought that this condition has led to cerebral damage that may have turned him into a racist shit. (Certainly Emmanuel Adebayor, a Mourinho aide, seemed to think so when he was sent on an assassin’s mission last night. Personally I was on his side although having said that, it’s not as if the Madrilenos aren’t averse to the odd monkey chant when it suits them.)

Then there’s Javier Mascherano, a fearsome man renowned for his power and malice that a Mourinho operative reduced to the role of writhing soap queen yesterday evening. Rumours are that the Masch spent the evening on Monserrat Caballe’s washing line though he rejects the idea that he is that big a girl’s blouse.

Image from a grim pro-Josama website

Mourinho has maintained that the Catalan capacity for fakery is not of his making. Indeed sources at Real Madrid are said to be pushing for an investigation into the whole structure of FC Barcelona. They have recommended that a special commission be headed up by Lord Scarman in the full expectation that he will find the Masters of Magical Footy guilty of ‘institutional simulation’.

While few share Moaninho’s beliefs, he has insisted that his failure to win every European competition he has ever entered is down to a conspiracy. When UEFA has been unable to defeat him, they have invented victories from goals of a paranormal nature, made members of his crack squad ‘disappear’ early in proceedings to face the water torture of the ‘early bath’ or forced him to squeeze into uncomfortable corners from whence he has had to communicate in more inventive ways.

Even then, UEFA have been powerless to prevent him from using such cutting-edge technology as the I-pad, the mobile telephone and even, fiendishly, a notepad and pen.

There are some mainstream sympathisers with the arch criminal’s view that diving divas need to be punished. If UEFA really wanted to deal with this they could view video evidence and start suspending the pimping plungers here and now. To the average man in the street – and I’m nothing if not that – it seems such an obvious and fair policy that even Nick Clegg would have difficulty reneging on it.

Central to the mission to destroy Mourinho has of course been the match they call El Crappico. El Naffico is a long-held tribal dispute somewhere in the fictional confederacy of states known as ‘Spain’. It is Moronho’s belief that the forces of evil are reined to the cause of the Catalans.

In particular he has sought to blame the organisation known as Unicef, which as everyone now knows, stands for the Unfeasibly Naughty Institute for Cheating Embryonic Footballers. There is circumstantial evidence that for years now Barcelona has been flooding its training camps with tiny schoolboys who for the first year are trained in dodgy play-acting and the second year learn how to do a triple twist with pike and tuck. Even the stadium’s name ‘Nou Camp’ translates as the ‘New Theatrical’.

Mourinho attempts to lure a young boy away from the Camp Nou

Of course Maureenio’s contempt for Barca may also derive from the first time he ever translated Bobby Robson at the Nou Camp. (And, bless Sir Bob, but it’d been nice if Jose had worked as a translator for the old fella when he was England gaffer too.)

Whatever the source of his malice and menace there seems to be little international outcry at Jose’s demise. UEFA have however been unforthcoming with photographic evidence of the end of the Special One and counter-conspiracy theorists are even now suggesting that the dark lord will rise again. Indeed to my certain knowledge he’s been seen driving a cab in Stockton-on-Tees.

In the meantime Barcelona officials have distanced themselves from exuberant celebrations on the streets of Barcelona. They have insisted that allegations of improper conduct by their representatives are completely unfounded and - well, it’s thought unlikely that we will witness any more third-rate Hollyoaks style tizzy fits from them in the final. Especially if Scholes plays as the Ginger Ninja always leaves plenty of evidence on the thigh of an opponent to make play-acting unnecessary.

Me? Were it not for Messi and Iniesta (another serial diver, mind) I wouldn’t care too much for Barca at the mo. Still they’ll be up against United. And they’ll beat ‘em. As for the Moochinho? Beware the second coming.

277 comments:

  1. Still undecided about the Europa league spot. It obviously is the shittiest trophy to win
    ==========================================================

    A shitty trophy it may be AH but better than the bloody League Cup which is a total waste of clubs and players time and is only there to wring a few more dollars out of the punters each year.

    Oh, turn the page.

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  2. So it's a straight out fight with Liverpool now or 5th. If we do that I'll eat my hat.

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  3. We need to go on a good cull anyway H. Kranjaer, Woody, Roman, Bentley and Keane will go in the summer. Probably Lennon and Gomes too if 'Arry's gotten fed up with them both.

    Pletikosa, or however you spell his name will go too as his loan is almost over.

    Sure there are others who we can let go but can't remember off the top of my head.

    Hopefully that lot will drum up some cash for a keeper who hasn't got a bipolar switch between extreme talent and extreme stupidity, a CB who will stay fit and partner Dawson and a couple of decent strikers.

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  4. couple of decent strikers?

    who do you think you are?
    Manchester fucking united*?

    ----


    *DISCLAIMER: Word decent refers to the players' ability and talent in terms of on field football and NOT the character on and off the pitch.

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  5. One decent striker that could fill in for van Persie when he is injured (3/4 of the season) would suit me. Plus a GK, CB's and a solid DM... not asking for much.

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  6. .... and a coach that can teach em how to defend set plays.

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  7. When you say it like that Bo, it does appear so that the Arsenal squad is pretty thin (and small, and meek ...) in terms of quality.

    got a couple of decent midfielders and 1/2 defenders on their day plus RvP and , erm, thats about it.

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  8. Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger is reportedly ready to conduct a major clear-out at the Emirates Stadium this summer after seeing his side go without silverware for a sixth consecutive season.
    ---

    yeah. Thats right wenger, build it up from scratch.

    take your time mate, no worries.

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  9. Tottenham are ready to move for Birmingham's England international Ben Foster to replace under-fire goalkeeper Heurelho Gomes. Strikers Jermain Defoe and Roman Pavlyuchenko could also be sold in a summer shake-up at Spurs.
    ---

    why would Foster forego the chance of playing european football and sign for Spurs?

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  10. Former Sunderland and Ipswich boss Roy Keane says he will return to football management - but only when the time and club are right for him.
    ---

    which begs teh question, is there ever a right time for having Keane as your club manager?

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  11. Stranger things have happened Spit. Truth be told I'm not all that sure about Foster. Has he come good now or has years warming the bench at united messed him up?

    Ah well, least the Europa league will be entertaining given Stoke are playing now lol.

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  12. Mid table mediocrity - bring it on - and GD of zero - or Zoro - in the words of Spit - we neednt have bothered - now then

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  13. Hey Robbo
    I was talking to someone who looked like Gary Hamilton in the George last night - bloke stood next to me having a piss

    On way out the bog I held door open and he said "thanks" in a galswegian or glaswegian even accent- and guess what - it was Gary Hamiltion!!!!

    Not much of a story - but its all I got.

    Oh I failed to get elected by 100 votes - part time vacancies anyone???? :)

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  14. p.s. What is Cross site scripting - my laptop is stopping it or sumat

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  15. 'ell FBH,

    How goeth?

    If your laptop is stopping Cross Site Scripting, then its doing you a service.

    Let him Be.

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  16. Alright muckers, what have I missed?

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  17. mornin lads, fifa corrupt? Well you could have knocked me down with a feather.

    If Spurs need a clear out and Arsenal need a clear out, first dibs please!

    Hard luck FBH, next time maybe?

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  18. H2H moves to within 1 point in the H2H, is this what they mean by "a gripping climax"?

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  19. No trotts. A gripping climax is something totally different. Could be quite painful as well if she has sharp fingernails.

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  20. re: triesman's allegations ...im not sure we can trust the word of a former communist who accepts a peerage. this is the man, remeber, who also said the russians were planning to bribe the world cup refs (as if ....now if he'd said they were going to poison them with polonium-210 id have believed him).

    But COME ON triesman! FIFA, corrupt???!?!? Niver!

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  21. I'm 5th in both leagues ... could that be a sign?
    Wish Spurs's league form mirrored my H2H form. 6 games unbeaten and now 4 points off the top having been languishing in 18th at one point ...






    ... Hang on .... I seem to be the FFL equivalent of Liverpool.

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  22. Warner said he was certain the resumption of hangings would curb crime in this country (Trinidad and Tobago).

    "I am convinced that were we to reinstitute hangings, which is the law of the land, it will have a dent on crime. I am convinced," he said.

    ----------------

    HANG HIM!

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  23. Well Hang ON blog.

    he's convinced. Not convicted.

    Or is he?

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  24. i think the allegations by the sunday times about the qataris bribing their way to the wc are way more significant by the way

    hmmm now that would explain it. given that absolutely nothing else possibly remotely can

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  25. warners got a long well established track record of these allegations against him, spit, as a quick glance at wikipedia shows. how we can allow this kind of clown (keano's description of him) this kind of power is beyond belief.

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  26. Lots of stuff - Warner & Fifa corruption (no surprise there)

    QPR Fined while Luton got ocked 40 points in 2 seasons (Bernie greasing the wheels of power again)

    Europa League. Great article on Harry's opinion on that at the following: -

    http://adampsb.blogspot.com/2011/05/jupiters-icy-moon.html

    I don't know why he's bothered after all Stoke, Birmingham and Liverpool will be in it next year anyway

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  27. time for the worlds football playing nations to pull out of this circus and leave it to the clowns

    even better if we can split the worlds leading football nations in half by forming a new governing body WITHOUT germany we might even win the bloody cup

    England lift the Youropey World Cup for the 8th time in a row! Runners up Burkina Faso (28-0 in the final). Come on lets do it, it would be hilarious.

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  28. Damn unlucky there by the way FBH with the election mate.

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  29. i would have voted for you, fbh

    if you gave me £2.5 million to build a new football stadium, in my garden. oh and buy a new garden big enough.

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  30. Spitfire said...
    Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger is reportedly ready to conduct a major clear-out at the Emirates Stadium this summer after seeing his side go without silverware for a sixth consecutive season.
    ---

    yeah. Thats right wenger, build it up from scratch.

    take your time mate, no worries
    ---------------
    Spit, you forgot to mention that that snipet was from caughtoffside.com, or as I like to call it letsmakeupsomeshitandputitupontheweb.com

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  31. FBH - I have tweeted my blog address - can you retweet to your legion of followers to aid my push for fame and recognition (in Yarm at least).

    I'd claim to have voted for you but as you know where I live I'd be fibbing

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  32. TrotterUSA said...
    H2H moves to within 1 point in the H2H, is this what they mean by "a gripping climax"?

    ----
    Yes indeed, I've sneaked up the table using a cunning combination of relying on other teams bad results and blind luck. Thanks to your victoty over Ngog the gap is now only one point.
    Problem is, next round Ngog is up against blacktongue, and by the look of his team he hasn't bothered changing it for quite a while (ever) so that should be an easy 3pts for him, BUT, the last game of the season is..... wait for it...... yes, Ngog v H2HFC.... "gripping climax" indeed.

    Oh yeah, I've still got a wildcard.

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  33. I think the least said about the FFL the better, well done for this past weekend H2, and even more well done for not laughing in my face at my humiliation!

    If Spits is the equivalent of Liverpool, then I must be the Wigan lolling about the bottom all season waiting for the almost inevitable drop - not a "gripping climax" in sight, not unless you count Max Moseley video

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  34. Starfire, Spitfire: common mixup on Robbo's

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  35. or is a black tongue just another symptom of a gripping climax?

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  36. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  37. Thanks 'Bells.

    Not one to gloat me, unless of course I win the H2H league in which case a gymungus smug cloud will eminate from the region of North Holland North. (Tone, I hope your not at Schipol that day as all flights will surely be cancelled)

    As my dear ol' mum used to say "don't count your chickens...."
    But as I grew up on an urban council estate, that made no sense to me at all.

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  38. I'd have voted for the candidate with the biggest tits.

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  39. brown tongue is a sympton of....

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  40. too much coffee and cigarettes?

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  41. Well done Trott.

    That's enough about multi coloured toungues for now, the sun is shining and I can hear my beer calling me.

    Laterz.

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  42. TrotterUSA said...
    I'd have voted for the candidate with the biggest tits.
    ---------------------------------------------
    That'd be me then :)

    p.s. thanks chaps

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  43. which fbh isnt. Hence he didnt win.

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  44. TrotterUSA said...
    I'd have voted for the candidate with the biggest tits.
    ---

    when most simply vote for the biggest tits.

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  45. "We have conceded 21 goals from set pieces and only 17 in open play...", according to Wenger, which to my calculations adds up to 38 goals. Yet the BBC PL table on the BBC website Arsenal have conceded 41 goals this season so far. Someone needs to redo math 001 methinks.

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  46. Former England caretaker boss Peter Taylor says current coach Fabio Capello's successor must be English - and believes the likes of recent internationals David Beckham, Alan Shearer and Gary Neville should be considered for the job.
    ==========================================================

    I always thought Taylor may have been a bit of a dick, he has just confirmed it.

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  47. Blog - I was going to post the link about Micky Adams getting sacked yesterday, but events have superceded that news story - Port Vale have offered him his old job back today.

    Is that good or bad?

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  48. thanks for that Noel, I hadn't seen the story. its definitrly a good thing, we should reappoint him, pretend he never left and NIVER MENTION IT EVER AGAIN.

    wot a bloody soap opera. they'll have to pat him more than the reported £65k p.a. he was on before. the chelsea tea ladies are on more than that (but they do 'extras' the filthy sluts. You can get a cup of tea and a blow job for £2.60 at Stamford bridge. It's part of Red Romans paradoxical experiment in untrammelled free market capitalism)

    will mickey return like some kind of hybrid chubby messiah/kicked dog? Well he'd have to be either nuts or desperate, wouldn't he. unless he misses the.pies. you see you can never really second guess someone's motivation. He might have liked the pies all along, put up with the club but really liked the pies.

    Same with yer average chelsea fan. Shit, soulless plastic club owned by an evil Russian oligarch - IT'S NO COINCIDENCE CHELSEA FANS ...THAT STRINGE COLOCATION OF GRINDING VODKA SOAKED POVERTY I'LL HEALTH IGNORANCE AND PREMATURE DEATH IN RUSSIA AND THE EXTRAVAGANT OVERSEAS PURCHASE OF HANDSOME BUT SHIT MEGASTARS ...TORRES KAKA (fernando, you let me rub down your injured groin, nyet?) IT'S THE SAME MONEY STOLEN FROM THE RUSSKI PEASANTS YOU'RE COMPLICIT COMPLICIT! but you know that, chelsea fans, don't you, its not the boring team of egocentric overgrown schoolboys not the plush peasant-funded facilities that keep drawing you back week after week, its the blow jobs from the tea ladies .... Ive no idea what's in it for you, bhb...

    So Noel, do I think its a good thing, thanks for asking, yes I do. Micky Come Home, son, we're even more desperate than you are....

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  49. so, a bloke and his wife are at the marriage guidance office and the counsellor suggests they need to start by reviewing things they have in common as that'll give them a platform to build on. So, he turns to the husband and asks him to go first...."well", he says, "the one thing we have in common is that neither of us suck dick".

    I'm guessing she's not a tea lady at the bridge!

    Welcome home Micky!

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  50. I would think the tea ladies at Chelsea would not have a minutes peace seeing how many dicks are on the books.

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  51. This shit is gotten way out of hand

    I so wish Lennon wins the title just for the sake of all the abuse the racists have directed against him and his family for the last decade


    the bias in the SFA against celtic and lennon is simply of disgusting proportions

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-13368945

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  52. Well done Polish Dad you've got yourself known.

    As a total cock.

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  53. FIRST!!!!

    Since the hostile takeover.

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  54. Send in the sniffer dogs to search for mines, evidence of dodgy carpentry or shody plumbing.

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  55. Polish dad goes to the opticians

    Optician says can you read the top line if the eye chart for me?

    Polish dad says "read it? I know him"

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  56. FINALLY!

    This stupid thing will let me comment.

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  57. In other news the authorities are mounting a search for polish dad (aka Mr Sheen) but they're not habouring much hope as they think he's got clean away.

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  58. Polish son goes up to his Polish dad and says

    Polish dad why are you such a cunt?

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  59. That joke shines bright in a wicked world, H

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  60. Lucky our aviator engeniering friend who resides in Germanuy wasn't around yesterday.

    Otherwise we'd of have had to be dealing with Spit and polish...



    Coat!!

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  61. Spit.

    You didn't by any chance used to work in the costume store that Mr Benn used to patronise did ya?

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  62. Fell asleep watching the cricket waiting for a dot ball

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  63. Dont know what you are talking about H.

    was just trying to see if the polish dad had lifted his curse.

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  64. Wasnt that a bit of fun. Gives us something to talk about other than jaffa cakes for a while. Polish dad for president (of fifa).

    Everyone set for 2 weekends of pointless football (except maybe for the relegation battles)?

    Go Stoke! (never thought Id say that in a million years)

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  65. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr_Benn

    Maybe you're too young to remember Mr Benn Spit, nevermind.

    Anyway lads, it's Friday night and all that beer's not gonna pour or drink itself, duty calls.

    Laterz.

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  66. while the polish dada had taken over Robbo's page, blog and his very limited twitter time, he did manage to bundle in a podcast.

    http://soundcloud.com/robbo-robson/we-think-its-robbo-six

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  67. OR

    you could just click it on top of the blog, under the mugshot.

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  68. 1971 / 72. wasnt even born then H.

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  69. New blogs up!

    Bit minimalist like, but I appreciate you're pressed for time, Robbo

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  70. I still cant get to Robbo's blog... managed to get here through google. anyone have a link to the new blog

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  71. yes mourinho go and fuck fc barcelona

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